What would you do if the person closest to you did everything in their power to make you believe that your basic instincts, feelings and common sense were false? Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that leaves you unsure whether what your own eyes tell you is true or not. It can be one of the hardest experiences a person can go through in a relationship.
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What is gaslighting? And why is it so dangerous?
The term gaslighting comes from a 1938 play called Gas Light, in which a husband slowly convinces his wife that she is going mad by dimming their gas lights and then denying that he has done so. A person who uses this technique is called a gaslighter.
Gaslighting can be seen in all kinds of relationships:
- in a working relationship between an employer and an employee
- in a family relationship between a parent and a child
- in a social relationship between a politician and their voters
- in a romantic relationship between partners
It is in a romantic relationship that it can have the most devastating effects, because intimate partners know each other thoroughly and the gaslighter knows best how to confuse their victim.
Common practices include denying what happened. The gaslighter quite deliberately claims that something did not happen that way and that their victim remembers the event wrongly. An even harsher manipulation tactic is when the gaslighter starts convincing their victim that they are mentally unstable and cannot always trust their own judgement. They will often try to convince the victim’s close family of the same thing.
This technique does not spare the victim’s emotional world either. When the victim tries to express feelings of disappointment or hurt, the gaslighter belittles them or says they are far too sensitive. After all, nothing that bad happened. Typical apologies also include: “I’m sorry you think I hurt you.” In this way, the gaslighter shifts responsibility for the feelings onto their victim, who then starts to wonder whether their reaction really was over the top and whether something might be wrong with what they feel.
Gaslighting has three main features and purposes
1) Undermining the partner: The gaslighter does everything to make the feelings, beliefs and even the facts their victim observes seem “false”, so the partner soon starts to question their own sanity.
2) Strategic intent: There is strategic intent in the way a gaslighter behaves. They back off and apologise only enough to confuse their victim even more. They know when to stop and when to carry on for maximum effect
3) Manipulating reality through denial and confusion: Part of the gaslighter’s tactics is to confuse their victim, which makes it harder for them to recognise the technique.
Recognising gaslighting
Defending yourself against gaslighting can be difficult, mainly because it is hard to recognise from inside the relationship. The victim has the best chance in its earliest stages, because this is before their perception of reality has been distorted. But spotting the early stages can be almost impossible, and the victim often makes excuses for the gaslighter’s behaviour and sees it as merely bad behaviour.
What are the common signs of gaslighting in a relationship?
- The victim often wonders whether they are a suitable or good partner
- They no longer trust themselves even with the most basic decisions
- They feel that they are useless
- They have a confusing feeling that something is wrong in the relationship but cannot work out what it is
- They constantly apologise for things they do not understand
- They feel lost, crazy, confused and emotionally immature, especially during arguments
All these feelings revolve around a single theme: questioning your own basic reality, your own common sense, instincts and feelings.
Stages of gaslighting in a relationship
Stage 1: Lies and exaggeration.
When gaslighting begins, it involves small lies and exaggerations that the partner might simply brush off as jokes or banter. The gaslighter plants the idea in their victim’s mind that something is wrong with them.
Stage 2: Creating dependence.
The gaslighter puts their victim in a situation where they become completely dependent on them. This can be financial, emotional or social. Perhaps the gaslighter earns more money, or convinces the victim that their relationship is the only good thing in their life.
Stage 3: Escalation.
Through various techniques and tactics, the gaslighter keeps the victim on the defensive, where the victim has to keep questioning their reality to avoid or ease seemingly pointless conflicts. Victims start asking themselves: Am I the problem? Am I wrong? Am I crazy? In the end, they become convinced that they are.
Stage 4: Control through hope.
This is where the psychology of gaslighting is used at its worst. The gaslighter keeps the relationship going by controlling it with false hope. A constant stream of pressure and manipulation keeps the victim insecure and broken, but every now and then the gaslighter offers just enough kindness to make them stay.
How to escape a partner who uses gaslighting?
If you have recognised your partner in this, compromise is not possible and the only solution is to end the relationship. Escaping this form of manipulation means much more than just leaving physically. It takes more than working out how to move out.
First of all, you need to accept that you have become a victim of gaslighting and that your partner has altered your view of the world and your instincts. Escaping this relationship means, above all, freeing and straightening out your own mind again.
- Recognise the situation and accept that you have become a victim.
- Separate fact from fiction. Your world has been distorted and you have been convinced that things that were true were not.
- Realise that your partner was trying to gain power over you in this way and that it is all right to leave.
- Leaving the relationship means being able to convince your mind that it is all right to live life without the relationship.
- A long-term side effect of gaslighting is losing the ability to trust your instinctive feelings. Pay attention to your feelings (the ones that appear on their own, not the ones you think you should have).
- Seek help. Your reality is no longer something you can trust. Turn to people you knew before your relationship. At this point, true friendship is the most precious thing you have.
- Be kind to yourself.
Trust yourself
Gaslighting is the worst form of manipulation. It means losing trust in yourself and in the reality around you, and being suffocated by a partner whose goal in life is to make you stop trusting your own thoughts and feelings. The consequences should certainly not be underestimated. For many victims of gaslighting, the effects can last for months, if not years, after the relationship has ended.
To truly heal, a victim of gaslighting must learn to trust themselves again. Accept that your senses and your mind are able to perceive and understand the truth.
