Listening means understanding what the other person is trying to tell us. It is not just about hearing someone. When you listen, you take it in, you understand and you give feedback. Listening to others is important because communication is the basic building block of all relationships. And in today’s age of social media, it is perhaps even more important than ever before.
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How to listen, not just hear
There are many ways to listen. However, it is always important to remember that when listening, we must be in the here and now. You cannot let your thoughts drift somewhere else while giving feedback to the other person. When we listen, we fully grasp and understand what the speaker is trying to tell us.
It is not just about hearing words and taking in information. It is about trying to be “part of what is happening”. You try to empathise with the other person, understand their problem and situation, and help them let go of their fear. You give them feedback and try to develop the conversation.
That is why we must above all listen attentively. Our attention must be focused entirely on the speaker. We can use our body, facial expressions and signs of agreement. But we never give unsolicited advice or pass judgement. We do not push our own issues onto them, and so on.
How to improve your listening
Active listening can be helped by simple yet clear tools. You could say that every form of communication has its own rules. Here too, listening follows several specific elements:
- Your attention should not be directed anywhere else than at the person who is speaking. If you are truly listening to someone, your attention is focused only on the conversation. No checking your phone, no absent “hm” sounds and so on.
- Eye contact. Look the speaker in the eye and maintain eye contact. This of course means doing so kindly, warmly and naturally. Staring at the other person like a “frightened deer” will not help them much.
- Use your body. Now and then, nod your head in agreement. Or to show that you understand the topic.
- Do not forget your facial expressions and hand gestures. For example, a facial expression that shows how you feel about what you are hearing.
- Another listening tool is verbal agreement or understanding. For example: I see, I get it, I understand you.
- Understanding and respecting the other person. When we listen to someone, we do not try to judge them.
- We give feedback and gather more information. You can share your opinion or ask further questions to learn more. Asking questions lets you make sure you understand the message.
When we listen to someone, we are telling them that they can trust us. We are saying that we are friends and that we want to help and support them. Not to use the information and hurt them. So keep this in mind. Your attitude towards the speaker matters. How you look at them and how you respond.
The difference between hearing and listening
Are you listening or just hearing? As mentioned above, there is a big difference between truly, actively listening and merely hearing. If someone is trying to tell you about their problem and you reply, “Yeah, sure, I’m listening.”, then you are not really listening.
However, there is also a difference between active and passive listening. In active listening, we give the person feedback, work through the issue with them and express agreement and our own feelings. In passive listening, however, we simply listen carefully and do not give feedback.
In passive listening, we take in the information coming our way. Usually we do not fully understand the topic or problem. By listening, we give the speaker space to sort out their own thoughts. We give them the chance to find a solution themselves by putting the problem into words.
The forgotten art of listening
We often forget how important the art of listening is. It builds trust, deepens relationships and helps people in difficult situations and in illness. In romantic relationships, it deepens intimacy and mutual feelings. On the other hand, it is also an excellent tool for communication and gathering information.
When you listen, you gain the speaker’s trust, and as the conversation deepens, you learn a great deal. This does not have to be meant negatively. In a relationship, for example, information matters. When else would you want to learn more about the other person? Listening means grasping and understanding. And therefore also gaining the tools for good relationships.
Today, however, life is very hectic. We often hear, “I don’t have time for this.” But then we lose trust and understanding. The art of listening is also gradually disappearing with the arrival of electronics. People communicate via mobile phones, Skype, emails and so on. The only way to express emotion here is an emoticon.
The gestures and facial expressions that show understanding of the other person are missing here. Words such as I understand you, or I get it, lose their meaning here because it is so easy to write anything. When it comes to listening, nothing beats personal contact. You could say it is actually essential.
Communication is a game built on the art of listening
Communication itself is quite a demanding field. Many relationships, situations, business meetings and even political acts fail because of poor communication. Often communicating is not easy at all. Emotions, opinions, feelings and prejudices usually get in the way.
These are part of communication, but you need to know when, what, how and to whom you can say something. Choosing the right tools and suitable words is what we call the art of communication. And communication goes hand in hand with listening. You can be a skilled speaker and a brilliant diplomat. But if you cannot listen, it may be of no use to you.
If you want to master communication, learn to listen well. Not only do you gain information, but also feedback. Because when we are able to give feedback, we are also able to receive it. Listening often helps us too. Specifically through so-called abreaction, when we sort out our own thoughts.
7 tips, how to listen properly
- Set aside time for it. You will usually know in advance that someone wants to confide in you. So make time so that nothing disturbs you during the conversation. It is not good if your thoughts are elsewhere or if you keep glancing at your phone to see whether anyone has tried to reach you.
- Silence your phone. Definitely turn the sound down on your phone. You do not have to switch it off completely, as someone might urgently need you. Still, let the person know that you want to give them your full attention and that a ringing phone will not interrupt you.
- Choose a nice place. It depends on the issue you need to discuss. You should find a suitable place for the conversation. You do not need to arrange a picnic in a meadow. But discussing something delicate in a pub full of people is not ideal.
- Make sure you are not inappropriately involved. You may find yourself listening to something you are personally involved in. However, this may not be appropriate. For example, what happens if your sister-in-law comes to you and complains about your brother? You might lose your composure and make the situation even worse. The choice should of course be up to the speaker, but if they lack good judgement, you should make it for them.
- Forget your prejudices. If you are going to listen to someone, leave your prejudices at home. This is not the moment to take a harsh stance and try to convince the other person of your strict views on a conservative approach to life. You should keep the conversation meaningful.
- Be patient. Try to be patient, understanding, kind and friendly. The person sharing important information with you trusts you completely and is putting their fate in your hands. Appreciate that.
- Do not let them down. The most important point comes last. Never reveal what you have been told. Show that the person turned to the right person, and do not betray their trust.
