They say we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. Nothing could be closer to the truth. Are you spending time with the right people, or are there toxic people among your friends and family? Cutting them out of your life may not be easy, but it will help you more than you think. How do you do it, and who should you spend time with?
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How to recognise toxic people and who to avoid
Humans are social creatures by nature and seek the company of others. Whether it is your family, friends, work colleagues (or even your bosses), all of them have more influence on you than it seems. It just depends on whether that influence is positive or negative. The people around us build our self-confidence, support us on the way to our goals and make us better people, or they can be so-called emotional vampires who drain our energy and our joy in life.
“People inspire you or drain you. Pick them wisely.”
Hans F. Hansen
There are several signs in other people’s behaviour that we should look out for. If we notice these traits in someone, we should not let them get too close, and in extreme cases they can make our lives hell. So how can you tell that you have met a toxic person and that your paths should part quickly?
We don’t want to spend time with them
Spending time with such people does not enrich us and is not enjoyable. Whether we are fully aware of it or only sense it subconsciously, we do not want to spend time with toxic people. Perhaps it is our intuition telling us, who knows? But if such a person calls and invites us to dinner, we somehow don’t feel like accepting on principle. Your head simply says No first and only later Yes.
They know manipulation inside out
These people are often masters of manipulation. Even if you don’t realise it, they may be manipulating you too. You can also observe whether they manipulate other people, such as their partner, family or a colleague at work. If they love telling you how they managed to talk someone else into something, alarm bells should start ringing. Aren’t they doing the same to you?
Your problems come second
Sound familiar? You are sitting with your friends over a glass of wine, sharing all your recent troubles and successes. The toxic member of the group is easy to spot: they love the sound of their own voice but don’t listen. Your problems don’t interest them and they pay them no attention. If they do listen, they immediately use your topic to complain about their own life. They don’t advise, don’t listen properly and don’t ask follow-up questions.
A compliment that offends
We can also recognise toxic people by the fact that they really don’t like paying compliments to others. We mean sincere compliments that every true friend makes now and then. A comment from an emotional vampire usually contains a compliment followed by a big BUT, which brings you straight back down to earth and cancels out the praise. Jealousy often plays a major role too.
A compliment from a toxic person might look like this:
- That red skirt goes perfectly with those blotches on your neck. You do know about them, right?
- I haven’t seen you for ages, you seem to be doing really well. (Accompanied by a pointed look at your figure)
- I think this make-up is just right for you, but don’t put so much on next time.
- You did a great job today, but that’s not your best, is it?
The scapegoat
They have the biggest problems in the world, nobody understands them, nobody likes them. The whole of life is against them and everyone puts obstacles in their way. Or at least that is how they present themselves to others. And you feel that you constantly have to support them, reassure them and talk them out of it, saying it surely isn’t so. Doesn’t that wear you out?
So let’s sum up the typical traits of people who should not be sharing our lives:
- Spending time with toxic people drains us and isn’t enjoyable
- They like manipulating people
- They won’t listen to your problems
- Their compliments tend to hurt rather than please
- They constantly see themselves as the victim (of everyone and everything)
Leaving them can be hard
Have you just realised that you are tolerating toxic people in your life? Out with them. Your life will be nicer and more relaxed without them, even if that may seem impossible right now. You may have found that the negative person in your life is a family member, a close friend or even your partner.
It is very important to realise that these people really do drain the joy from your life and have a negative effect on your mood and your overall mental wellbeing. Without them, you can free yourself from jealousy, stress and other killers of happiness. Which of us wouldn’t want to be happy? And when a toxic partner or family member stands in your way, the decision to leave them can be really hard. It takes courage and determination. Or your patience has to run out completely. Isn’t it better to prevent all this and start choosing the right people for your circle?
Who to spend time with and how to filter out toxic people
Do you remember picking teams for dodgeball at primary school? You always chose the strongest, the fastest and the most agile. Why not do the same in life? Why not keep only the strongest personalities, those growing fastest in the right direction and the most agile at enjoying life in your closest circle? Those are the people worth meeting.
You can try various networking events, meet-ups or ordinary social occasions. You can meet great people anywhere, and they may be noticeably more interesting than those you spend time with now. It is a well-known truth that we are very strongly influenced by the five people we spend the most time with.
Are you the smartest person in the room? Then you are in the wrong room.
We already know what the person we want to spend time with should not be like. So let’s look at who we do want to spend time with. The people in our closest five should be roughly two steps ahead of us. This helps us focus better on our goals, and we can share our experiences with them. Such people guide us and support us in the right direction. Do you want to run a marathon, for example? Then you should spend time with someone who regularly runs 15 kilometres but has not yet run a marathon. They are further along than you, but not so far that it demotivates and exhausts you.
Another quality the people close to you should have is joy and positivity. You don’t necessarily have to look for friends in a hippie community, but another person’s positive attitude will breathe joy and good mood into yours too.
Spend time with people who inspire you. Stop and ask yourself: how does my partner inspire me, for example? How does my brother inspire me, and how does my colleague from the office next door? The answer may be completely different for each person, but what matters is that the people closest to you help you move forward. If you already feel like the smartest person in the room, you should probably change your surroundings.
Support from loved ones is a cornerstone of our self-confidence. Surround yourself with people who love you and whom you love. You enjoy spending time in their company and feel sincere support in everything you do. Taking advice now and then and listening to criticism or another person’s point of view is very enriching, and you will accept that opinion much more easily from the right person.
Filter out the toxic people around you, surround yourself only with the right ones and always keep in mind the saying from the start of this article: you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. So who do you want to be?
