How to stop being jealous, 10 tips and when it becomes control

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Wondering how to stop being jealous? Much of it is within your own control. Chronic jealousy can seriously damage a relationship.

The short answer. Jealousy is a common emotion and does not in itself mean that something is wrong with you. It helps to work out what triggers it, to avoid acting straight away when you feel jealous, and to talk to your partner about the feeling instead of checking up on them. If the jealousy does not go away and starts to rule your days, see a psychologist or a registered marriage and family counselling centre, where counselling is free.

If, on the other hand, it is your partner who is jealous and checks your phone, tracks your location or forbids you from seeing friends, this is not a sign of love but a warning sign. If you are afraid of them, call your local domestic abuse or victim support helpline (in the Czech Republic: Bílý kruh bezpečí 116 006 for all victims, or ROSA 116 016 for women), ideally from a phone your partner cannot access.

Where jealousy comes from

Jealousy appears when you feel that someone or something could take away a person you care about. Psychologist Susan Albers of the US Cleveland Clinic describes it as a complex and unpleasant emotion that is also normal. According to her, it comes in short bursts, but in its extreme form it can be toxic.

“For many people, the real root of jealousy is insecurity,” says Albers. Cleveland Clinic lists common triggers as low self-esteem, anxiety, a tendency to fixate on details and past trauma, such as betrayal or emotional abuse in a previous relationship. That is why jealousy can say more about what you have been through than about what your partner is doing right now.

Jealousy and insecure attachment

Psychologists Sharpsteen and Kirkpatrick looked at the link between jealousy and attachment in a study published in 1997 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. According to them, the research is consistent with the idea that jealousy is “at least in part a product of threats to attachment relationships”, in other words the fear of losing someone close to you.

People with different attachment styles experienced jealousy differently. Anxiously attached people were more likely than others to keep their anger to themselves and not express it. Avoidant people directed their anger and blame at the third person. Securely attached people were more likely to express their anger directly to their partner while keeping the relationship intact.

In practice, this means one thing. If your jealousy keeps coming back even though your partner gives you no reason for it, it is worth looking at how safe you generally feel in relationships. If your relationship swings between closeness and distance and you never know where you stand, read about what an ambivalent relationship is.

How to tell healthy jealousy from unhealthy jealousy

An occasional pang of jealousy is part of life. “It simply means you’re human,” says Albers. Healthy jealousy is brief, you can name it and talk about it, and it does not lead you to keep watch over your partner. It fades after a conversation or with time.

Unhealthy jealousy lasts, returns without any new reason and dictates what you do. Cleveland Clinic lists its signs as an obsession with what your partner is doing, growing distrust and a feeling that you are worthless. If you check your partner’s phone, interrogate them or want to decide who they can see, jealousy has turned into control.

Albers also points out that jealousy is not always just in your head. Sometimes you pick up on a real threat to the relationship, and it is hard to tell what is fact and what is fear. That is why it helps to ask yourself what you actually saw or heard, and what you are adding to it in your mind.

If the facts confirm your suspicion, for example your partner tells you themselves that they are seeing someone, it is no longer about your jealousy but about a problem in the relationship. Talk to them calmly, and if you do not want to sort it out on your own, a couples counselling service can help. How to decide whether the relationship is worth it is covered in the article 15 signs that a relationship is going nowhere.

How to stop being jealous when there is no reason?

Your partner may not be giving you any reason at all. Or perhaps their behaviour does give you some reason to be jealous after all. They flirt openly, guard their privacy or were the school womaniser in the past. But hand on heart, is it really that serious? If you are looking for an answer to this question, you may already suspect that you have no sensible reason for such strong jealousy.

1. Why are you jealous?

What situation triggered your jealousy? When does the sting of jealousy dig deepest under your skin? When your partner is texting someone on their phone in the evening and you cannot stop wondering who it is? Or when your partner does not call you from work? Or when you go out together and your partner gives the waitress a smile that seems brighter to you than the one they gave you?

Take a pen and paper and describe each of these situations in detail. Above all, analyse your own feelings. Try to work out why it is this particular situation that makes you jealous.

Tip: Do not write on a computer or phone, but by hand. Writing by hand helps you become more aware of what you are writing.

2. Understand your own reasons for jealousy.

The answer to why jealousy is eating you up lies in your own mind. It may be an unresolved past. Your ex-partner left you for another woman and was a chronic liar. Remember that you chose your current partner precisely so that this would not happen again. But your current partner is not your ex.

You may also have deep-rooted patterns from your family in which a man or woman cheats on the other. Spend some time thinking about the reasons for your jealousy. Write down what you discover.

3. Work on your self-esteem.

Low self-esteem is one of the common causes of jealous tendencies. We do not know our own worth and are convinced that other women or men must seem more attractive to our partner. That is usually not the case, because they are with us, not with them.

But if we do not believe in ourselves, sensible reasons will not be enough. Your partner, however, is not to blame for your low self-esteem. That is something you have to work on yourself. How? You can include these tips, among others:

• Write a list of your good qualities.
• Write a list of your achievements.
• Make friends with your body.
• Write down the reasons your partner is with you.
• Praise yourself often and out loud.

Tip: Work on yourself. Simply starting on personal growth can give your self-esteem a boost.

4. Find your own hobbies.

Perhaps you are not even jealous of other women or men. Perhaps you are jealous of the time your partner does not spend with you. You are stuck at home with time to think. Go back to the hobbies you had before you met. Or find new ones.

What matters is that it is something that belongs to you alone, something your partner is not part of. Your time for yourself. Your own hobbies will help you with jealousy in several ways:

1. You will boost your self-esteem.
2. You will keep your speculating mind busy.
3. You will gain a sense of direction and purpose.
4. You will meet new people.
5. Your partner will see you in a new light.

Tip: The point is not to make your partner jealous. The point is to have a life of your own that you enjoy even without them.

5. Cut down on social media and electronic communication.

Do you follow your partner on Facebook? Do you worry about what they posted on Instagram? Then stop it right now. Social media easily feeds jealousy, and you will not find answers there. Whatever you do find there, your mind can pick apart endlessly.

Over a single afternoon, you can interpret what you read ten different ways. Then, when you ask your partner in the evening, you find out the answer was perfectly simple all along. Why torment yourself?

The same goes for trying to make your partner jealous through your own social media activity. If you post photos just to make your partner jealous, you may well make them jealous. But your partner will wisely keep it to themselves and not comment on the post. And on top of your jealousy, you will be eaten up by the feeling that your loved one is not interested.

6. Put your jealousy through a cross-examination.

The following advice is widely used to deal with intrusive thoughts in cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). The cause of your jealousy is not cool reason but turbulent emotions. Make reason your defence lawyer and subject the prosecutor inside you to a merciless cross-examination.

Take a pen and paper and write down all the reasons you have for your jealousy. Also add the arguments for the defence: what evidence is there of your partner’s innocence? What verdict would a fair judge or an impartial jury reach in your place?

7. What would you tell your best friend?

If your best friend came to you and confided her suspicions, what would you say to her? List all the reasons you have for your jealousy to your imaginary friend.

You can also add everything you have learnt about yourself and your partner by following the previous tips. And imagine what she would probably say to you. What would you say to a friend who confided such a thought to you?

Tip: Start by saying your suspicion out loud, exactly as you feel it. Sometimes it is enough to hear with your own ears how absurd it sounds.

8. Send your speculating mind on holiday.

Sometimes our own reason is at a loss and we are simply looking for ways to calm down. Intrusive thoughts are called that precisely because they are hard to get rid of. Sometimes it is exactly by examining and analysing them that we make them stronger. By trying to disprove them with reason, we pour oil into the hot pan of our jealousy. And the jealousy spits and burns more and more.

Once you have written down your reasons and the thought still keeps coming back, picking it apart further no longer helps. That is why we think the best way to deal with obsessive thoughts is simply not to pay attention to them. If you know they are nonsense, you do not have to argue against them.

If jealousy still torments you unbearably, give your mind something else to feed on. Instead of letting it keep inventing scenarios of infidelity, go and read. Tell yourself plainly, “So I’m jealous, so what?” Accept the jealous voice inside you, just do not give it your time and attention. Enjoy the things you like doing instead.

9. Do the opposite of what your paranoia tells you.

We keep learning throughout our lives. Unfortunately, the unpleasant consequences of our actions stick in our memory much more deeply than the pleasant ones. But pleasant experiences can also shape the way we think. What would you do if your partner was chatting with an attractive colleague at a party? Jealousy would tell you to put on a sour face, have a shot and sulk. The rest of the evening would then be ruined. A negative experience only deepens our jealousy.

What if you do the opposite? What if you put on a convincing smile and go and join them? Your partner puts his arm around you, introduces you as his girlfriend, and you often find out they are talking about something completely innocent, such as her wedding to her fiancé. This positive experience weakens jealous thoughts and strengthens your reason in the fight against irrational emotions.

10. Confide in someone.

If you have someone you can trust, tell them about your suspicions. With jealous fantasies in particular, a third person can give us a sensible perspective. They may even have real evidence that your partner is innocent.

But be careful who you confide in. You should talk to your partner about your jealousy yourself, rather than him hearing about it from someone else. Also think carefully about whether your best friend suffers from the same kind of jealousy, and consider what kind of relationship she and your partner have. If you have no one suitable, it is better to turn to a psychologist or a counselling service than to confide in the wrong person. We describe where to find free help below.

What to do when jealousy suddenly hits you

The tips above help in the long term. But when jealousy hits with full force, for example when your partner is not replying in the evening, the main thing is not to do anything rash. A message full of accusations or a look through his phone is hard to take back.

• Name what is happening. Say to yourself, “I’m feeling jealous right now.” The feeling will not go away, but it will stop pulling you along unnoticed.
• Put your phone down. Do not reply, do not call repeatedly and do not search on social media. Wait until the first wave of emotion subsides.
• Slow your breathing. Breathing exercises for calming down can help, and a few minutes is enough.
• Separate facts from assumptions. Write down on one side what you know for certain, and on the other what you are imagining.
• Write down your worst fear. Next to it, note how likely it is and what you would do if it really came true.
• Decide whether and when you will talk about it. Ideally once you are calm, not at the moment when jealousy has the strongest grip on you.

The last two steps are based on advice from Cleveland Clinic, which, in an article with psychologist Chivonna Childs, recommends writing down your biggest fears and asking yourself how likely the worst outcome is and what you would do if it happened. On paper, they often look smaller than they do in your head.

When the jealousy fades, do not see the fact that it came as a failure. Instead, notice what triggered it. If the same situation keeps repeating, you have a specific topic to talk about with your partner, or to work on yourself.

How to talk to your partner about jealousy

“Trust can be built through communication, not detective work,” says Susan Albers. But a conversation only works if it does not feel like an interrogation. Talk about how you feel, not about what he is doing wrong. Choose a moment when you are both calm, not late in the evening after an argument. Sentences like these can help.

• “When you were messaging your colleague late into the night yesterday, I felt pushed aside. I know it’s mainly my feeling, but I want to tell you about it.”
• “I don’t want to check up on you. I just need to hear how you see it.”
• “It would help me if you let me know when you’re running late. Then I have no reason to imagine things.”
• “When your ex gets in touch, I feel insecure. Can we agree on how we’ll handle it so that it’s fine for both of us?”

On the other hand, questions like “Who are you texting this time?”, “Show me your phone” or “Why were you smiling at her like that?” do not help. Your partner gets defensive and the conversation turns into an argument. You can find more about how to talk to each other without accusations in the article why communication between partners matters.

Also pay attention to how your partner reacts. According to Albers, it says a lot whether he is willing to talk and understand your jealousy, or whether he reacts with irritation, shames you or blames you. The article how to build trust in a relationship describes how to build trust gradually.

Jealousy of exes and of social media

Your partner’s past

Some people are not bothered by what their partner is doing now, but by who they were with before. Cleveland Clinic calls this retroactive jealousy and describes it as an unhealthy fixation on a partner’s romantic past. It includes repeatedly asking about past relationships, looking up exes on social media and feeling anxious every time the past comes up.

“You’re with this person now. You’re the one they want to be with,” says Childs. She recommends focusing on the present and on shared experiences, because over time they make the past matter less. If your partner has children or mutual friends with an ex, contact is normal. Rather than banning things, agree on what works for both of you.

Social media

Research shows this too. Researchers Amy Muise, Emily Christofides and Serge Desmarais from the University of Guelph in Canada published a survey of 308 university students in the journal CyberPsychology & Behavior in 2009. Those who spent more time on Facebook also reported more Facebook-related jealousy, even after taking personality and relationship factors into account.

The authors explain this as a loop. Facebook often shows ambiguous information about a partner, which leads to more searching. “Jealousy leads to more frequent monitoring of a partner’s Facebook page, which results in further exposure to jealousy-provoking information,” Christofides said, according to the Canadian broadcaster CBC.

Desmarais, who supervised the research, added, according to CBC, that people in relationships were not previously exposed to their partner scrutinising their contacts on a daily basis. “But for some, this is a new reality,” he said. The study looked at young people and Facebook, but in our view the same loop can easily start on Instagram too. Read more in the article on the effect of social media on mental health.

When your partner is jealous and when it becomes control

Your partner can be jealous too. If he can talk about it and does not forbid you anything, it is an ordinary emotion that he is working on and you can support him with. It is a different situation when jealousy is used as a reason to watch over you. You are not to blame for your partner’s jealousy, and you cannot solve it for him.

The UK’s NHS lists among the signs of emotional abuse a partner who monitors your social media profiles, tracks your location via GPS, cuts you off from family and friends, decides who you see, or accuses you of flirting and cheating. According to the NHS, abuse is always about power and control over you. In practice, it may look like this.

• He checks your phone and messages.
• He tracks your location, for example through location sharing on your phone.
• He forbids you from seeing friends or family, or makes scenes when you do see them.
• He accuses you of cheating for no reason and expects you to keep proving otherwise.

Jealousy that turns into control is a warning sign of abuse. According to the NHS, such control is already a form of abuse in itself, even if your partner has never hit you. You will not solve control by giving him your password or trying harder. Control and accusations can go hand in hand with other types of manipulation in a relationship.

If you are afraid of your partner, call your local domestic abuse or victim support helpline (in the Czech Republic: Bílý kruh bezpečí 116 006 for all victims, or ROSA 116 016 for women; both are free and available around the clock). Ideally, call from a phone your partner cannot access. If your partner checks your phone, delete the call from your call history and browser history afterwards, or call from a friend’s phone or from work. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number, such as 112 in Europe, 911 in the USA and Canada or 999 in the UK (in the Czech Republic: 158 or 112).

Couples therapy is not a suitable first step in this situation, because your partner may use your openness against you. It is safer to start with a helpline or an intervention centre, where they can also help you with a plan for what to do next.

When to seek professional help

It is worth seeking professional help when jealousy does not go away, takes up a large part of your day, you check up on your partner, or your relationship suffers because of it. In such cases, Cleveland Clinic recommends talking to a couples counsellor or therapist. It is not a failure, but a way of caring for yourself and your relationship.

For jealousy that goes round in circles of the same thoughts, cognitive behavioural therapy can help. “CBT works well for changing how you think and how you behave,” says Childs. You can find out what such a visit involves in the article when to see a psychologist and what to expect.

There is no medication that would get rid of jealousy. If it is driven by anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder, a psychiatrist will decide on treatment, including any medication, after an assessment. Never take medication without a prescription, for example from people you know.

Help does not have to cost money. Registered marriage and family counselling centres provide specialist social counselling under Section 37 of Act No. 108/2006 Coll., the Social Services Act (zákon o sociálních službách), and under Section 72 of the same Act social counselling is free of charge. You can find a counselling centre by your town or region. You can go on your own or with your partner.

People sometimes talk about pathological jealousy. Only a specialist can judge whether this is the case after an examination, not an article or your partner. If thoughts of infidelity haunt you for days on end and you cannot stop them, contact a psychologist or psychiatrist. You can read more about what psychotherapy involves separately.

Final tip

Working on your own self-confidence remains an important piece of advice. People who believe in themselves usually find jealousy easier to handle, because they know they are valuable to their partner.

Every relationship is about trust. But who should you trust? Above all, yourself.