An ambivalent relationship is not just a matter of love or hate. It is more a crossroads of conflicting emotions and thoughts that can lead to psychological conflict and indecision. In this article, we explain what an ambivalent relationship means, how it shows itself and what causes it.
You will also find its link to anxious attachment and to hot and cold behaviour, signs that it is no longer about mixed feelings but about manipulation, and practical steps for dealing with ambivalence in a relationship.
The short answer. An ambivalent relationship is one in which you feel both love and aversion towards your partner, a longing for closeness and distrust at the same time, and you are often unsure whether you want to stay. The Swiss psychiatrist Eugen Bleuler introduced the term ambivalence in 1910 to describe simultaneous conflicting feelings, thoughts or desires.
Mixed feelings in themselves are neither a disorder nor a reason to break up. You can work with them through conversation, boundaries and, if needed, therapy. But if your partner humiliates you, controls you or threatens you, it is no longer just mixed feelings but abuse, and conflicting feelings towards such a partner are common in an abusive relationship.
If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number (112 in Europe, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 in the UK; in Czechia: 158 or 112). Otherwise, call a local 24-hour crisis or domestic abuse helpline (in Czechia: 116 006 Bílý kruh bezpečí, for all victims, or 116 016 ROSA, for women), ideally from a phone your partner cannot access.
Table of contents
What ambivalence means and where the word comes from
Ambivalence means feeling two opposite things about the same thing or person at once. Ambivalent therefore means conflicted, torn or double-edged. You have an ambivalent attitude to work when it both excites and exhausts you, and ambivalent feelings towards your partner when you love him and he hurts you at the same time.
The term comes from psychiatry. The Swiss psychiatrist Eugen Bleuler first used it in 1910 in articles on schizophrenia, and in a lecture in Bern that same year he distinguished three forms. Volitional ambivalence means you cannot decide what to do, intellectual ambivalence means you see equally strong counterarguments for every opinion, and emotional ambivalence means you feel conflicting emotions towards the same person.
Sigmund Freud soon took the term from Bleuler and used it for the lasting coexistence of love and hate towards the same person. Today, psychology also speaks of ambivalence in completely healthy people. According to a review by psychologists Julianne Holt-Lunstad and Bert Uchino, people view roughly half of the important people in their lives with ambivalence.
So mixed feelings are common. The problem only arises when the conflict lasts a long time, robs you of your peace of mind and paralyses your decision-making.
Ambivalent relationship
An ambivalent relationship is a term used to describe a relationship in which there are opposing or conflicting feelings and thoughts. The term often refers to emotionally demanding relationships, where a person is caught between love and hate, desire and aversion towards their partner or someone else. Ambivalence creates complex relationship dynamics and can have various causes and consequences.
Signs of an ambivalent relationship
The main feature of an ambivalent relationship is alternating emotions, where we can experience strong loving emotions alongside feelings of aversion or anger towards the other person. These feelings can alternate or occur at the same time, which creates psychological conflict.
This ambivalence leads to indecision and uncertainty about the future of the relationship. People are unable to say clearly how they feel and often swing between extremes.
Ambivalence can be linked to fears of intimacy and closeness. The person longs for connection but also fears being hurt or losing their independence.
What ambivalence looks like day to day
Ambivalence usually does not show up in one big argument but in small, repeated situations. If you recognise yourself in several of them, it does not mean your relationship is bad. It is a sign that it is worth talking about.
- You look forward to seeing your partner, and after an hour together you feel like leaving.
- You plan a holiday together while privately wondering whether you will still be together.
- When your partner gets in touch, you feel relieved. When he does not, you are flooded with anxiety or anger.
- When talking to friends, you describe him by turns as the best person and the biggest mistake.
- After an argument you are determined to leave, and after making up you cannot imagine life without him.
- You long for closeness, but when it comes, you feel suffocated and look for reasons to pull away.
Ambivalence can be on one side or on both. Sometimes one partner longs for closeness and the other resists it, and then the roles switch. The result is a relationship in which neither of you knows where you stand.
Causes of an ambivalent relationship
According to attachment theory, an ambivalent relationship style is often linked to early experience of a parent who was available but unreliable. Sometimes they were understanding and supportive enough, other times they acted purely according to their own needs, regardless of you. More on this in the section on anxious attachment below.
The roots of ambivalent relationships lie deep in personality, emotional or relationship factors. Here are some of the main causes of ambivalent relationships.
- Lack of trust. Previous experiences of disappointment or betrayal can damage trust in later relationships. A person may long for connection but also fear being hurt again.
- Low self-esteem. A lack of self-confidence and self-esteem can create ambivalent feelings in relationships. A person may struggle to accept love or support because they do not believe they truly deserve it.
- Communication problems. Poor communication leads to misunderstandings and conflicts, which trigger ambivalent feelings. A lack of clear communication can make it harder to understand needs and expectations within the relationship.
- Fear of intimacy. Ambivalence can arise from fears of losing autonomy and independence as a result of an intimate connection with another person.
- Repeating patterns in relationships. Some people may find repeating patterns of ambivalence in their relationships. These repetitions are often linked to unresolved problems from the past.
- Unrealistic expectations. Expectations that do not match reality can also contribute to ambivalent feelings. If a person expects perfection or complete agreement in a relationship, it will be hard to cope with disagreements and differences.
- Poor understanding of emotions. Being unable to identify and express your own emotional needs and feelings can create ambivalence. Partners feel confused and do not understand each other.
Working to understand these factors and actively looking for ways to build healthier relationship patterns can lead to positive change. In some cases, it is helpful to seek professional support.
Dealing with ambivalent relationships
These steps apply to relationships without fear and violence. Otherwise, read the section on manipulation below. If you are afraid of your partner, your safety comes first.
Dealing with ambivalent relationships takes time, effort and deep reflection. Identifying your own emotions, needs and values is a key first step. Learning to recognise and express your feelings helps you better understand your own inner world.
- Open communication is a basic element of a healthy relationship. Open dialogue allows partners to share their feelings, thoughts and expectations. Focusing on active listening and respecting the other person’s point of view is key.
- Working on trust is very important in a relationship. Building trust takes time and consistent behaviour. Constructive behaviour and transparency help restore damaged trust.
- Conflicts are an unavoidable part of every relationship. What matters is learning to handle them in a healthy and constructive way. Looking for shared solutions and respecting differences can lead to better understanding.
- Focusing on the positive sides of the relationship and appreciating the good moments helps strengthen the bond between partners. Actively looking for and expressing gratitude increases a sense of satisfaction.
- Building individual strength and independence can contribute to a healthier relationship. Each partner should have room for personal growth and development, which brings strength to the relationship.
- Rethinking unrealistic expectations and accepting the reality of the relationship can reduce conflict and ambivalent feelings. Realistic expectations can lead to greater understanding and acceptance of each other’s differences.
In some cases, it is a good idea to seek professional help. A professional can offer tools and a perspective that support the development of healthier relationships.
Every relationship is unique, and what works for one couple may not necessarily work for another. The key is to be open to change, actively work on developing the relationship and respect the individual needs and boundaries of both partners.
Ambivalent and anxious attachment
Attachment theory explains where ambivalence in relationships comes from. It was founded by the British psychiatrist John Bowlby, who developed it in his trilogy Attachment and Loss, the first volume of which was published in 1969. According to the theory, people form an inner picture of what they can expect from those close to them based on early experiences with their caregivers.
In the 1960s and 1970s, psychologist Mary Ainsworth observed how young children behave when a parent leaves them for a short while and then comes back. Some children were clingy when the parent returned and were hard to soothe. This pattern was named anxious-ambivalent, or resistant, attachment, and it is linked to care that is unpredictable: responsive one time and not the next.
What Hazan and Shaver found
In 1987, psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver applied attachment theory to romantic love in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Their questionnaire was the first to measure attachment in adult romantic relationships. Respondents chose, from three short descriptions, the one that fitted them best.
The anxious-ambivalent description read as follows. “I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away.”
People with this style described love as an obsession, with a longing for reciprocation and union, emotional highs and lows, jealousy and strong sexual attraction. According to the authors, the three styles are found in adults in roughly the same proportions as in young children.
Attachment describes a pattern, not a diagnosis, and it is not a label to pin on your partner or on yourself. Nor does it mean that an ambivalent relationship is your fault. According to a 2002 meta-analysis by psychologist R. Chris Fraley, attachment security is only moderately stable from birth to age 19, so early experience does have an influence, but the pattern can change.
If you recognise yourself in the anxious description and it troubles you, talking to a professional can help. The article what a psychologist asks and what it tells you describes what such a conversation is like.
Ambivalence and hot and cold behaviour
Hot and cold is a term for behaviour in which a partner alternates between warmth and distance. One week they message every day, plan a future together and are attentive; the next week they go quiet, reply in single words and cancel dates. Anyone can behave like this, regardless of gender.
The switching is not necessarily ill-intentioned. It may stem from the partner’s own ambivalence, when they do not know what they want, or from a fear of closeness. Sometimes it is a deliberate game, for example feigned disinterest as a seduction tactic. From the outside, these reasons are hard to tell apart, and you do not need to tell them apart to decide what you want.
Whatever the reason, hot and cold behaviour has a similar effect on you. You live in uncertainty, wait for messages and read every reaction for clues about where you stand. We look at how to read silence in a chat in the article they’re online but not messaging: what it usually means.
On-again, off-again relationships
The extreme form is relationships in which partners repeatedly break up and get back together. American communication scholar René M. Dailey has studied them for many years. According to her studies, these relationships have lower satisfaction and more uncertainty than relationships without break-ups.
A 2014 study by Vennum and colleagues in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships examined 323 unmarried cohabiting couples and 752 married couples. A break-up and reconciliation had been experienced by 37% of the unmarried couples and 23% of the married couples. These couples had more uncertainty about the future of the relationship and were less satisfied.
If the same cycle keeps repeating in your relationship, try writing it down. What came before the distance, what came before the return, and what changed in between. If nothing changes, that is valuable information for your decision. If your partner’s interest is fading gradually over a long period, read what to do when your partner is losing interest.
When it is no longer ambivalence but manipulation
Ambivalence is an inner conflict that a person struggles with themselves. Manipulation is behaviour through which someone secures power over another person. The line between them is not always sharp, but some signs point to manipulation or control rather than mixed feelings.
If your partner humiliates you, controls you or threatens you, this is no longer just mixed feelings but abuse, and conflicting feelings towards such a partner are common in abusive relationships.
- Coldness and silence come as punishment when you do something your own way.
- Your partner questions your memories and perceptions until you start doubting yourself.
- They check your phone, your money or who you see.
- They gradually cut you off from family and friends.
- They threaten you, the children or themselves if you leave.
- You fear their reaction and think ahead about what might anger them.
The point is not to diagnose your partner from a distance, but to take seriously how you feel around them. You can find more about typical tactics in our articles on the most common types of manipulation in a relationship, a manipulator’s phrases and tactics and gaslighting.
If you are afraid of your partner, do not try to resolve the situation through a one-to-one conversation or couples therapy. Plan your departure with professionals and with your safety in mind. Help is available around the clock; ideally, call from a phone your partner cannot access.
- 158 or 112. If you are in immediate danger, call the police straight away.
- A local victim support helpline. A helpline for victims of crime and domestic violence (in Czechia: Bílý kruh bezpečí 116 006, which runs around the clock and is free).
- A local domestic abuse helpline. A crisis line for women experiencing domestic violence (in Czechia: ROSA 116 016, a centre for women, which runs around the clock and is free).
- Intervention centre. Helps people at risk of domestic violence. You can find the nearest one in the Register of Social Service Providers (Registr poskytovatelů sociálních služeb) on the website of the Ministry of Labour and Social Affairs (Ministerstvo práce a sociálních věcí).
- Local emergency number and crisis helpline. If someone is acutely threatening suicide, call your local emergency number (112 in Europe, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 in the UK; in Czechia: 155 or 112). For your own support, contact a local crisis helpline, a doctor or a therapist (in Czechia: Linka první psychické pomoci 116 123, available around the clock).
You can call even if you are not sure whether it is abuse. You do not need evidence or a decision already made.
Ambivalence in a long-term relationship
In a long-term relationship, ambivalence often arrives not as a storm but as a quiet sense of being torn. You love your partner and value what you have together, yet some things hurt or exhaust you over the long term.
In their 2019 review in Perspectives on Psychological Science, Holt-Lunstad and Uchino report that across three studies of American couples, 47% to 86% of people viewed their husband or wife at least partly ambivalently. In their definition, an ambivalent relationship is one that contains a lot of good and a lot of bad at the same time.
Mixed feelings also matter for health. In a 2014 study by Uchino, Smith and Berg in Psychological Science, spouses had more calcification of the coronary arteries mainly when both viewed each other as a source of ambivalence.
A 2015 study by Birmingham and colleagues found higher blood pressure during an ordinary day in people who viewed their partner ambivalently, and also in those who rated their own behaviour that way. This is an association, not proof that ambivalence directly causes illness.
Ambivalence in a long-term relationship does not mean the relationship is over. It helps to name what brings you joy and what hurts, and to talk about it before small things turn into a wall. You will find tips in the article 7 tips for a harmonious relationship. If you are wondering whether it makes sense to carry on, go through 15 signs that a relationship has no future.
How to get out of an ambivalent relationship
The way out of ambivalence is not a single right decision but clarity. The aim is not to stop feeling torn, but to find out what is missing for you in the relationship and whether your partner can and wants to give it.
If there is fear or abuse in the relationship, the following steps do not apply and your safety comes first. Otherwise, you can proceed in three steps.
Conversation
Choose a calm moment, not an evening after an argument. Talk about yourself and a specific situation, not about your partner’s character. The sentence “when I don’t hear from you for three days, I feel insecure and don’t know where we stand” opens a conversation better than “you’re just unreliable”.
Ask how your partner sees the relationship and listen, even if the answer is not pleasant. You will find more on how to talk about a crisis in the article how to save a relationship and when it is no longer worth it.
Boundaries
Boundaries state what you accept in a relationship and what you no longer do. With hot and cold behaviour, a boundary might sound like “if you cancel a date at the last minute, I won’t suggest another one”. It is important that you stick to it, otherwise it loses its meaning.
Boundaries are not punishment or blackmail but information about you. If you find it hard to say no, the article how to learn to say no and set your own boundaries can help. If you feel you cannot function without your partner, read about dependence on a partner.
Therapy
If the conflict drags on for months and conversations lead nowhere, a professional can help. Individual therapy helps you understand your own patterns, including those from childhood; couples therapy helps you understand where the two of you get stuck. The article on psychotherapy describes the forms available.
Under the Social Services Act (zákon o sociálních službách), marriage and family counselling centres provide specialist social counselling free of charge. However, neither couples therapy nor counselling is suitable if there is abuse or fear in the relationship; in that case, contact the helplines listed above.
Tip. Enjoyed this article? Also read When to see a psychologist and what to expect
