15 types of relationship manipulation and the phrases to

What are the different types and tactics of a manipulator? Are all types of manipulation equally serious? And, hand on heart, do you use manipulation in your own relationship?

Simply put, manipulation is any behaviour where we don’t tell our partner clearly and openly what we want, but use some kind of trick to get our own way.

The short answer. Common tactics in relationships include guilt-tripping, playing the martyr, making excuses and being accommodating in return for a favour. More serious ones are gaslighting, the silent treatment, emotional blackmail, love bombing, triangulation and controlling money. Manipulation differs from an argument because it keeps happening, it is meant to make you back down, and it leaves you feeling guilty, confused or afraid.

How do partners most often manipulate?

Few people enter a relationship planning to deceive and manipulate their partner. Most people want to be authentic and open in a relationship. And yet many partners become manipulators when they think their direct requests will not be granted.

They may not intend to take advantage of their partner, but simply feel they will be more successful if they use a strategic tactic in certain situations. They may not even be trying to be manipulative, just doing what they believe will improve their relationship. So even the most loving partners can use manipulative techniques to get their partner to do things they would not otherwise choose to do.

1. Guilt

People feel guilty when they fail to meet the expectations of those who matter to them. They then try to get rid of this guilt by giving in to their partner. If a partner knows what makes the other person feel guilty, they can use this knowledge to get what they need. This kind of psychological manipulation in a relationship often borders on emotional blackmail.

It is one of the most serious of the nine tactics listed, especially when it turns into emotional blackmail.

2. Martyrdom

If one partner regularly gives too much, they may be trying to build up an “emotional balance in the relationship account”, which can make the other person feel obliged to agree to a request they would otherwise not like at all. Manipulation in a relationship where one person casts themselves as a martyr should certainly not be underestimated (even if you are the martyr who does everything). After a while it inevitably leads to resentment on both sides.

3. Using others to “sell” an idea or suggestion

This kind of pressure happens when one partner makes biased references to other people to get the other to give in. “Everyone thinks…” or “Our best friends always take at least two holidays a year” or “The latest research shows that…” The problem starts when the manipulator’s lines begin to refer to loved ones or family, which are harder to resist.

4. Hiding your own mistakes

If one partner fears criticism or doesn’t want to disappoint the other, they may hide the fact that they did something wrong. They then usually wait for a good moment, when the other person is in a good mood, to reveal the truth and soften the blow or the criticism.

This behaviour is common in children, but between adult partners it is better to talk openly. Someone who hides mistakes out of fear of their partner’s reaction is not manipulating, but is under pressure.

5. Giving exaggerated, embellished or false reasons for your behaviour

If a partner is caught doing something the other doesn’t like, they may try to escape by creating a more acceptable story that justifies their behaviour and persuades the other to react more mildly. The aim is for the other person to believe that, under these circumstances, the behaviour can be seen as legitimate, so they tone down their potentially negative reaction.

6. Overreacting so that your partner feels bad about their emotions.

Creating drama is a typical way to make a partner back down. This applies especially to partners who dislike scenes, emotional turmoil or extreme consequences. The partner consciously or unconsciously counts on the other backing down to avoid the intensity of the situation.

7. Making excuses when the partner really doesn’t want to do something but also doesn’t want to disappoint

“I have a headache,” or “It’s been a really hard day. I just didn’t expect so much stress. I’ll get to it tomorrow,” or “I’m so sorry, I just forgot. I’ve got too much on my mind.” It can sometimes be hard to tell whether it is manipulation, when the partner never ends up doing the thing, or whether it is genuine. Of all types of manipulation, this one is easy to understand, but it is still better to be completely honest with your partner.

8. Trying to avoid passive or aggressive behaviour

If one partner agrees to something only so as not to disappoint or upset the other, it is not a sincere agreement. When this happens all the time because the other person’s reactions are unpredictable, it is a very unpleasant form of manipulation.

Someone who tiptoes around like this is not manipulating, but being manipulated. Jumping through hoops so as not to trigger a negative reaction really shows a person what frustration is, especially when the partner’s behaviour is unpredictable. If you have ever asked yourself “how do I know he cares about me”, your partner’s behaviour probably falls into this category.

9. Being accommodating only as a strategy for the next win

Most partners know what the other likes, so they readily agree to one thing just before asking for something the other then cannot easily refuse. Don’t confuse this strategy with the compromise that happens in healthy relationships.

The most serious types of manipulation and the lines that give them away

The nine tactics above are common in relationships, and some are more of a clumsy habit than a deliberate plan. The following six types of manipulation are more serious because they gradually take away a person’s confidence, contacts or money.

The World Health Organization (WHO) classifies psychological abuse and controlling behaviour by a partner as forms of intimate partner violence. Persistent manipulation aimed at controlling the other person is therefore not just a “difficult personality”, but can be psychological abuse.

For each type, we list lines that are typically heard in such situations. A single line proves nothing on its own. What matters is whether it keeps happening and what it does to you.

Gaslighting

In gaslighting, the other person makes you doubt your own memory and perception. Researchers Bellomare, Genova and Miano from the University of Palermo, in a 2024 study, describe it as behaviour aimed at controlling and changing what a partner feels and thinks, how they see themselves and what they consider to be real.

“That never happened, you’re making things up again.”
“You’re oversensitive, a normal person wouldn’t take it that way.”
“You remember it completely wrong.”
“I never said that, you must have dreamt it.”

A typical sign is that you apologise after a conversation, even though you don’t know what for, and stop trusting your own memories. Keeping a diary helps, more on that below. We cover gaslighting in detail in a separate article, linked at the end.

The silent treatment

The silent treatment means that after a disagreement the other person doesn’t speak to you for days, looks straight through you and won’t say why. Silence here serves as a punishment and only ends when you apologise or back down, even if you don’t know what you did wrong.

“Nothing’s wrong.” (said in a way that clearly means something is)
“You know why.”
“I have nothing to say to you.”
No reply to messages, calls or direct questions, sometimes for days.

In 2014, Paul Schrodt, Paul Witt and Jenna Shimkowski reviewed 74 studies with more than 14,000 participants in the journal Communication Monographs. They looked at the pattern where one partner pushes and the other withdraws and goes silent.

This pattern was linked to lower relationship satisfaction, less closeness and poorer communication. The study did not look at silence as punishment, but at the demand-withdraw pattern in general, which harms a relationship whatever role each person plays in it.

The silent treatment needs to be distinguished from taking a break. If you say you need an hour to cool down and then come back to the topic, that is fine. A break is announced and ends in a conversation. The silent treatment ends in your surrender.

Emotional blackmail

Emotional blackmail works with fear, obligation and guilt. In her 1997 book Emotional Blackmail, therapist Susan Forward used the acronym FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) for this mix and described four types of blackmailer.

The punisher. “If you go on that weekend away with your friends, don’t bother coming back.”
The self-punisher. “If you leave, I’ll do something to myself.”
The sufferer. “After everything I do for you, you’d do this to me?”
The tantaliser. “Once you do what I want, everything will be like it was before.” But the promised reward never comes.

Take a threat of self-harm seriously, but you are not responsible for the other person’s life. If someone is in immediate danger, call the ambulance service on 155 or 112 and tell someone close to you about the situation.

A threat like this can mean a higher risk for you too, which is why the British SafeLives DASH domestic abuse risk questionnaire asks about it directly. Seek advice from a local domestic abuse helpline or victim support service (in Czechia: ROSA 116 016, Bílý kruh bezpečí 116 006 or an intervention centre).

A blackmailer often talks about love. But the sentence “If you really loved me, you’d do it” says nothing about love, only about what the other person wants from you.

Love bombing

Love bombing is a flood of attention, gifts and declarations of love right at the start of a relationship. It feels romantic, but only one of you sets the pace, and the first demands soon follow.

“We’re soulmates, this happens once in a lifetime.”
“Why wait? Let’s move in together right now.”
“You don’t need your friends, you’ve got me now.”
“Reply within five minutes, otherwise I get worried.”

In 2017, Claire Strutzenberg and her colleagues at the University of Arkansas surveyed 484 university students aged 18 to 30 in a student research project. Among those who, by their own answers, used love bombing, it was linked to narcissistic traits and lower self-esteem, as well as to more frequent texting and social media use in the relationship.

However, narcissistic traits are not a diagnosis. Narcissistic personality disorder can only be diagnosed by a professional after an assessment, not by a partner based on behaviour. We look at how narcissistic traits show up in our article on narcissism.

The opposite game with attention is playing hard to get, where a person deliberately hides their interest. Healthy infatuation needs time and respects you when you say you want to slow down.

Triangulation

In triangulation, the manipulator drags a third person into your relationship: an ex-partner, a colleague, a friend or a parent. They compare you with that person, stir up jealousy or use them as an ally against you.

“My ex would never do this.”
“At least my ex knew what romance was.”
“My colleague understands me better than you do.”
“Even your mum says you’re overreacting.”

The aim is to make you try harder and compete for their affection instead of dealing with what bothers you. You don’t have to take part in this competition. If you are not afraid of your partner, you can say that you want your relationship to be discussed only between the two of you.

Financial control

Financial control tends to be subtle because it can be passed off as care or thrift. The British health service, the NHS, lists it among the signs of domestic abuse, along with preventing someone from working or studying.

“Send me your pay, I’ll keep an eye on it.”
“What do you need money for this time? Show me the receipts.”
“You don’t need to go to work, I’ll take care of everything.”
“Sign this loan, you don’t understand it anyway.”

If you don’t know how much your household earns, have no access to the account or have to ask for every penny, this is not a normal budgeting arrangement. If it is safe to do so, at least keep your own account and an overview of what you have signed.

How to tell an argument from manipulation

Happy couples argue too, and one nasty remark doesn’t make your partner a manipulator. The difference is not how loud the disagreement is, but what purpose it serves and how you come out of it.

An argument is about a specific issue, such as money or visiting the parents. Manipulation revolves around the idea that you are the problem.
In an argument, you can both say what you think. In manipulation, your complaint is turned into an attack on the other person, and in the end you are the one apologising.
An argument ends with an agreement, a compromise or at least making up. Manipulation ends with you backing down, and the issue keeps coming back again and again.
After an argument you are angry, but you know what happened. After manipulation you doubt your own memory and feel guilt or fear.
An argument is an exception. Manipulation is a pattern that repeats over weeks and months.

The NHS also lists as warning signs a partner denying or downplaying what happened, monitoring your social media or location, or cutting you off from family and friends. If you recognise yourself in this, it may be one of the signs, but what matters is whether it keeps happening.

It also helps to ask yourself how you feel in the relationship overall. If you are walking on eggshells and thinking ahead about what will make the other person angry, also read 15 signs that a relationship has no future.

We describe other typical tactics people use to push others where they want them in our article on communication tricks and how to recognise manipulation.

My partner is a manipulator. What now?

Not all manipulation is the same. If it happens only rarely and involves some of the more harmless kinds of manipulation, there is no need to look for a drastic solution yet. Which of us has never said “But everyone…” (fill in whatever fits your situation)? In this case, it is enough to listen to yourself and your partner, and if a sentence like this comes up, try to rephrase it straight away and say what you mean openly.

The second possibility is that your partner learned this behaviour at home, where it was the normal way his parents communicated, or where as a child he had no other way of getting his needs met.

In this case, it can help if your partner decides for himself to learn self-love, self-belief and more open communication, perhaps with the help of a professional. But you cannot do it for him, and his behaviour is not your fault.

The last possibility is that the emotional manipulator you are dealing with uses this behaviour against you deliberately. In that case, breaking up with the manipulator is the right step. It won’t be easy, but if your partner is not willing to change and have an open relationship, it is time to start looking at how to heal a broken heart. We describe how to leave safely below.

What to do if you suspect manipulation

Manipulation works mainly because it happens quietly and behind closed doors. Three things help against it: your own record, the people around you and an impartial professional.

You don’t have to decide anything straight away. The first step is to get clear about what is really happening in the relationship.

Keep a diary

Write down the date, what happened, exactly what was said and how you felt afterwards. After a few weeks you will see whether these are one-off disagreements or a pattern, and no one will be able to take your memories away from you.

Don’t keep the diary on a shared phone or in a cloud your partner can access, or leave it with someone you trust or at an intervention centre. The British organisation Refuge, which helps victims of domestic abuse, warns that anyone who knows your password or pays for your phone can often also see your location, calls and other data.

Stay in touch with the people close to you

According to the NHS, isolation from family and friends is one of the signs of a controlling relationship. So keep at least one person you can tell what is happening, even if it is just one message a week. Choose someone you trust who is not in contact with your partner.

Someone close to you sees things from the outside and can tell you whether what you are going through is really OK. If your partner forbids your contacts or mocks them, that is a warning sign.

Turn to a professional

A psychologist or psychotherapist can help you tell an ordinary conflict from manipulation and restore your trust in your own perceptions. We describe when it makes sense to see one in our article when to see a psychologist and what to expect.

Under the Social Services Act (zákon o sociálních službách), professional social counselling at registered marriage and family counselling centres is free of charge. However, couples therapy only makes sense where you are not afraid of your partner.

Couples therapy is not suitable where there is violence, threats or fear of your partner. Instead, contact a local domestic abuse service or crisis helpline (in Czechia: an intervention centre, which helps free of charge, or the 24-hour helplines Bílý kruh bezpečí 116 006 and ROSA 116 016).

How to end manipulation or leave

If you are not afraid of your partner and the manipulation is more of a bad habit than a system, try naming it. Talk about a specific situation and what it does to you, not about the other person’s character.

For example: “When you tell me I’m making it up, I stop trusting my own memory. I don’t want to talk like this.” Then say what you will do if it happens again, and stick to it. We describe how to set and keep boundaries in our article learn to say no.

But confrontation is not right for every situation. If there is violence or threats in the relationship, or if you are afraid of your partner, don’t confront him alone and don’t tell him in advance that you are leaving. First call a local domestic abuse or crisis helpline (in Czechia: Bílý kruh bezpečí 116 006, ROSA 116 016 or an intervention centre).

If your partner has no interest in changing, deciding to leave is fine. You did not cause the manipulation, and you don’t have to put up with it just because the other person is nice at other times. We describe how to cope with the time after a break-up in our article 10 tips for getting over a break-up.

Leaving a controlling partner

Leave a partner who controls you with a plan. An intervention centre can help you put one together free of charge and advise you on what to do next.

Documents. Keep copies of your ID card, passport, children’s birth certificates, health insurance cards and important contracts with someone you trust, or in an email account or cloud your partner doesn’t know about.
Phone. Contact help from a phone or computer your partner doesn’t know about. Change passwords and location sharing according to your plan. Refuge warns that a controlling partner may notice a sudden change and his behaviour may get worse.
Cloud and accounts. Check whether your partner has access to your email, photo cloud or online banking, and whether you share devices or a family account.
Money. If possible, keep your own account and a small reserve that your partner cannot access.
Who to tell. The NHS advises thinking carefully about who you share your plan with. Your partner should not know where you are going.

If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number: 112 in Europe, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 in the UK (in Czechia: 158 or 112). In Czechia, the police can evict a violent person from a shared home for 14 days; elsewhere, ask local police or a lawyer about protection orders. Free help is available on a local crisis or domestic abuse helpline (in Czechia: Bílý kruh bezpečí 116 006 for all victims, ROSA 116 016 for women, both 24/7).

In Czechia, abusing a person living in a shared home is a criminal offence punishable by six months to four years in prison (Section 199 of the Czech Criminal Code, trestní zákoník). Ask local police or a lawyer how the law applies where you live. According to the Czech victim support organisation Bílý kruh bezpečí, abuse can be physical, psychological or sexual.

You do not have to decide alone whether and how to report it. A local victim support or crisis helpline can explain your rights as a victim and where to find further help (in Czechia: Bílý kruh bezpečí, 116 006).

How self-confidence returns after years of humiliation is described in the story of Julie, whose husband took away her self-confidence.

Manipulation in the family and at work

The same tactics also appear outside romantic relationships. In families, it is often about guilt and duty, for example “after everything we have done for you”, or about comparing siblings. How to defend yourself when a parent manipulates you is described in the article how a manipulative mother can affect your life.

At work, manipulation overlaps with bullying, for example when your manager withholds information from you, ridicules you in front of colleagues or denies what they asked you to do yesterday. Write down what happened and save your emails. You will find more in the article on bossing and mobbing in the workplace.

Read also about gaslighting or the right questions to ask a psychologist.

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15 types of manipulation in a relationship and the phrases that give them away