Are you always the one left alone in the office on a Friday evening, finishing work for everyone else? Do you babysit a friend’s child while you haven’t properly been out anywhere yourself for ages? Do you organise family celebrations, birthdays and presents for everyone? Are you dropping with exhaustion at the end of the day, yet still have no time for yourself? We’ll show you how you can learn to say NO. And in a polite, assertive way that won’t offend the people around you while still protecting your own boundaries and priorities.
Table of contents
How thin is the line between helping and being manipulated?
We all like to help the people around us. But what if all the tasks you’ve promised to do overwhelm you so much that there’s no time left for you and your priorities? You end up constantly stressed and collapsing with exhaustion in the evening. It’s right to help one another, but you can’t pour from an empty cup. As soon as you stop looking after yourself first, there will come a point when you burn out. Learn to recognise whether your help is really necessary or whether someone is manipulating you.
💡 Tip: How to recognise manipulation?
When do we form the boundaries of our self-respect?
The roots of the behaviour that drives us to try to please everyone lie, unsurprisingly, in childhood. At around eighteen months, every child starts answering everything with NO. You won’t hear a proper YES until at least a year later. NO is an important milestone through which a toddler learns to form their own boundaries. The ability to become aware of the invisible line that creates a kind of protective zone around each of us is directly linked to self-respect and is the cornerstone of healthy mental hygiene. When a child cannot naturally learn to hold on to their self-worth, it shows up in adulthood as an effort to please everyone.
Canadian doctor of Hungarian origin Gabor Maté even argues, based on his practice, that the inability to say NO can lead to serious autoimmune diseases, especially in women.
“If you can’t say NO, your YES loses its value.”
Dr Gabor Maté
Overcoming your own fear as the first step towards self-awareness
Many people are afraid to say NO because they fear others will judge them or think badly of them. Agreeing to everything is tied to a hidden fear of rejection. “What if they don’t promote me, or even fire me? If I don’t agree, I’ll lose my friends. My partner will definitely leave me.…” The reasons can vary from person to person. We also often get carried away by the sheer number of tasks and react on instinct. Let’s stop for a moment together. Go over in your head how much of each day you devote to yourself and to what fills you with happiness. How much energy do you lose during the day on pointless activities? The quality of your health and well-being must come first.
Anyone can learn “the art of saying no”
The good news is that the art of saying no can be learnt. The key moment is when you become aware of the situation and decide to change it. It won’t happen overnight. So please don’t punish yourself for early failures, and focus on small, steady “tortoise” progress. Nobody is perfect, and we all come from different family backgrounds. So don’t even try to compare yourself with others. What matters is your own progress.
1. Start by changing your perspective
A change of viewpoint is important. The main player in the vicious circle of not being able to say no is not the task or the person involved. Your worst enemy is YOU and your fear! To overcome it, you need to experience small successes. Plan simple situations in which you start practising saying NO. Step by step, you’ll gradually regain your lost self-respect, self-trust and, last but not least, self-confidence. Start to love yourself.
2. Say it clearly, effective communication will improve your relationships
There’s no point making up excuses. Say NO clearly and briefly. Does your friend need a babysitter again?
“Sorry, but it doesn’t suit me.” or “Sorry, but I have other plans.”
Of course, the question will follow as to why you suddenly can’t. Remember that nobody is ever obliged to explain their decisions or justify themselves to anyone. There are situations where “Silence is golden.” You can also try changing the subject. Another option is to “not have” time.
Train hard, fight easy, or practice makes perfect
Rehearse possible answers at home in front of the mirror. You’ll have them ready and nothing will catch you off guard. In one fairy tale, the main character receives a magic ball, which he shakes whenever someone wants something from him. The ball has kind but firm refusals ready. Over time, the hero learns to turn down other people’s requests and has time left for himself and for those who genuinely need help. You can also recognise them by the fact that they try to solve their problems themselves rather than just waiting for someone to take pity on them.
If your friend does manage to talk you round again, don’t give up. None of us is perfect, and nobody is born an expert. Stand in front of the mirror again and try out how you would ideally like to answer. One day you’ll definitely get it right. And I guarantee you’ll love the feeling when you do.
3. Stay polite and assertive in every situation
The way you behave outwardly reflects your inner world. So avoid insults and inappropriate reactions. Stay calm. It’s often a good idea to give yourself more time before giving a final answer, or to say no only halfway. The aim is not to hurt or offend the other person.
In the earlier example with your friend, you might answer like this: “I really appreciate that you’ve asked me for help again, but I can’t at the moment. I’ll let you know as soon as it suits me.” or “I’m really pleased that you trust me and leave your lovely little ones with me so often, but I have to decline, thank you.”.
4. Prioritise yourself and your own needs
If you’ve been unable to say NO for a long time, there are very likely skilled manipulators around you who know how to take advantage of it. Learn to recognise their tactics. Does someone try to make you feel guilty when you refuse? Do they ignore your comments and arguments? Do they push their ideas onto you? This is how the main manipulator tricks start. One of the techniques is so-called gaslighting.
Let’s take the example of the desperate friend again. “If you don’t help me today, I can’t go to the cinema with him and he’ll definitely dump me.” You’re not responsible for other people’s personal lives. You are the priority now. Think of the safety briefing at the start of every flight. Who do you give the oxygen mask to first? Yourself or your friend?
Think of yourself. Be a little selfish, too. If you’re not working towards your own dreams and wishes, you’re working towards someone else’s. Whether that’s your boss, your partner or someone in your family.
“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say NO to almost everything.”
Warren Buffett
5. Write down your own boundaries
Stop for a moment and write down on paper who you are and what matters to you. Writing it down helps you organise your thoughts better. You can also revise what you’ve written over time. Start working on your boundaries and take back control of your life. And yes, some people will be very put out when you start saying NO. You may even lose a few friendships. But one thing is certain. When you set your own boundaries, you open the way to better relationships in your life, and your self-respect will improve without a doubt. Your true friends and the people who sincerely value you will stay.
The efficiency and productivity of your work go hand in hand with your mental well-being
The basis of good stress management is knowing when to say YES and when to say NO. Constantly agreeing will wear you out very quickly. Constantly saying NO, on the other hand, can make you miss good opportunities. Act thoughtfully and choose what benefits you. Consider whether someone is really in need and whether your help is truly necessary.
The following tactic works well at work. Your boss has asked you to complete several tasks that you currently don’t have the capacity for. But you can’t simply refuse. Try this: “I’m very pleased that you’ve come to me with such an important assignment and that you value my judgement and commitment. However, to complete the tasks to the standard you’re used to from me, I need more time.”
Your surroundings reflect your self-respect and self-control
Unpleasant as it may sound, your daily reality is the result of your actions and your relationship with yourself. The people around you simply mirror how you see yourself. Are you unhappy with how your friends, acquaintances, family, partner, children or colleagues see you and treat you? The way to change this is to start with yourself and set the boundaries of your own self-respect. It sounds simple, but it isn’t easy. The decision to say NO always begins, and only begins, in your own thoughts. When you overcome your fear, you show your strength and self-confidence. That makes a strong impression, and you’ll feel it in the people around you. We’re keeping our fingers crossed for you, so let us know how you get on!
