An unhappy love story hurts and can break our heart into a thousand pieces. Falling out of love overnight is unrealistic, and everything takes time. Working out how to fall out of love successfully takes a good deal of courage and clear thinking.
We will show you how to cope with unrequited love, how to be happy again and how to forget. 15 tips on how to fall out of love and forget will guide you through this difficult time. You can do it!
The short answer. You cannot fall out of love overnight. Feelings fade gradually, and usually more easily once you stop seeing the person, messaging them and following them on social media. It helps to remind yourself what bothered you about them and to distract yourself with things that lift your mood.
There is no fixed length of time for it to pass. If your distress does not ease for a long time or takes away your enjoyment of life, contact a psychologist, a therapist or a local crisis helpline (in the Czech Republic: Linka první psychické pomoci, 116 123).
Table of contents
Why falling out of love hurts so much
The pain of rejection also shows up in the brain. In 2010, anthropologist Helen Fisher and her colleagues described in the Journal of Neurophysiology the brain scans of 15 young people who had been rejected by a partner, on average 63 days earlier.
When they looked at a photo of the person who had rejected them, areas linked to reward, craving and addiction became active, as did areas that process physical pain and stress. The authors described the results as consistent with the hypothesis that romantic rejection is a specific form of addiction.
This may explain why you feel so drawn to him even though you know it makes no sense. Why rejection in general hurts so much is discussed in the article fear of rejection and the anatomy of rejection. What happens to the mind and body when we fall in love is described in the article being in love, what happens to our mind and body.
How long it takes to fall out of love
Nobody can tell you the exact time. It depends on how long and how strongly you loved someone, whether you still see them and whether it was a relationship or unrequited love. In Fisher’s study mentioned above, however, the more days had passed since the rejection, the less active the brain area linked to emotional attachment was.
So time can help, especially if you do not get in its way, because every message, every look at his profile or every meeting can rekindle your feelings. How infatuation generally fades is described in the article how we get over infatuation and when it wears off. If you are dealing with the end of a relationship rather than unhappy love, also read 10 tips on how to cope with a break-up successfully.
Before you decide to fall out of love, consider whether this is the end or just a crisis. If the relationship is still going but struggling, the article how to save a relationship and when it no longer makes sense will help.
Tip 1, realise why you do not want to feel butterflies in your stomach
Each of us experiences being in love differently. Some people jump in headfirst, others learn to resist it. In life, there are situations where, given the circumstances, it is better to suppress your feelings. It is not an easy task, though. Ask yourself: “Why do I want to fall out of love, and what good will it bring me?”
In love with a colleague? If he does not return your feelings, do not push it! Pushy behaviour is more likely to put him off, and it will harm your relationships with colleagues and friends.
Feelings for a man who is taken? Do not count on him leaving his partner for you. If the feelings are mutual, it is good to talk about it openly and find out where you stand.
Judge promises by actions. Watch out for manipulation and notice whether you feel that he is just playing with you. You can tell how someone feels about you more from what they do than from what they say, more in the article on what a man feels for his mistress.
As common sense suggests, sometimes it is better to suppress the butterflies in your stomach. This means assessing the situation rationally and protecting yourself and those around you. In our view, this is often the sensible solution. And a list! Writing down the pros and cons of a potential relationship will help you work out how to tell that a relationship has no future. Thanks to it, you will know why you made your decision and why it is better to forget him.
Tip 2, admit it to yourself
One of the most important steps. Realise that you are experiencing unhappy love. A broken heart hurts, and coming to terms with a break-up is not a pleasant thing. The sooner you understand that he is not the right one for you, the sooner you may feel relief. This step takes a lot of courage, but it will help you get over the heartache more easily.
- express to yourself in writing how you feel, a few pages are enough.
- say out loud, when you are alone, what your feelings are.
” To love someone also means understanding that they do not love you. “
Attributed to Romain Rolland
Tip 3, seek out other broken hearts
Find people who know what you are going through. Find out how they coped with such a situation and how they got through it. Talking to someone who has experienced unhappy love can be motivating for you. You will understand more quickly that you are not the only one in pain and that you will be happy again.
Family and friends are an important part of our lives, and they are there for us even when we are struggling. Talk to them about your problem; even without experience of this situation, they can give you valuable advice.
Look for examples. You will find that films, books, the media and the internet are full of stories that end in a broken heart. Focus on how the main character got over it.
Extra tip. Visit online discussions or forums on how to fall out of love.
” Unhappy love is not the worst thing. The real misfortune is not to love. “
Attributed to Eduard Bass
Tip 4, come to terms with the past
Look at your past objectively and do not try to idealise it. Learn lessons from the past. All failed relationships, unhappy loves and break-ups enrich us with life experience. Do not try to dwell in a distorted past.
Do you keep returning to the past? Organise your time and spend a while analysing it with humility. Do not forget that you cannot change it.
“Let us generously forget those who cannot love us.”
Attributed to Pablo Neruda
Tip 5, keep your mind under control
Take control of your mind. When he comes into your head, redirect your attention to an activity. Why this helps is shown by the research in the section Thinking about his flaws works, but distraction is needed too under tip 14.
It is easy to say, but what if it is stronger than you? Train your mind; yoga, meditation or the art of saying no to things that are not good for you can help. Learn to redirect your thoughts and focus on something positive. This is one of the useful ways to fall out of love.
Tip 6, keep your distance
Keeping your distance or cutting off contact completely is essential, because feelings are easier to sustain when you see someone often. Do not torment yourself needlessly by being near him when it is not necessary. There is a reason for the saying “Out of sight, out of mind.”
The most reliable way to fall out of love with an ex or a lover is to cut them off completely, if the situation allows it. By breaking off all contact, you will usually get through this period more easily. How long it takes to fall out of love cannot be determined clearly; it is a very individual and long-term process. We write more about this above in the section How long it takes to fall out of love.
It is harder to fall out of love with a colleague, especially when you see him five times a week. Even so, try to have as little contact with him as possible and skip company events and parties for a while. We describe how to do this below in the section When you see him at work or at school.
Are you trying to fall out of love with a friend? Keep your distance as much as you can and do not go to shared events. If you have not told him about your feelings, you may need to explain the distance so that he does not take it personally. If you see each other at school, the same principles apply as for work below.
The no contact rule, how to stick to it
The no contact rule means that you break off all contact for a while. You do not message him, call him, react to his posts or look for excuses to meet. No research has established how many weeks it should last. A good guide is not to resume contact while every message from him still unsettles you for the whole day.
To make it last, prepare in advance. Archive the conversation, mute his contact and agree with a friend that you will message her whenever you feel the urge to message him. If he gets in touch, you do not have to reply straight away, and if it is about a practical matter, reply briefly and to the point.
Cutting off contact completely is not possible when you are raising children together or dealing with shared housing or money. In that case, limit communication to essential matters, ideally in writing, and leave personal topics aside.
How to fall out of love with a married man or a lover
The hardest thing about a relationship with someone who is taken is that it has no clear end. The promise that he will leave his wife can be repeated for months or even years, and every new hope rekindles your feelings. Base your decisions on what he actually does, not on what he promises.
Tell him it is over once, calmly and without blame, and then stop replying. The article 8 ways to end a relationship gently explains how to do it. Do not threaten to tell his wife everything. As we also say in tip 11, revenge is more likely to tie you to him. Do the same if you are the one in a relationship and you are leaving your lover.
It also helps to admit that you have lost not only him but also the idea of a future together. Grieving that is justified, even if almost nobody knew about the relationship. Confide in at least one person you trust, or in a psychologist, because pain you are not allowed to talk about is harder to bear.
If you see him at work or school
You cannot avoid a colleague or classmate completely. So the goal is not zero contact but zero personal contact. Talk to him only about work, do not go for coffee with him alone and do not message each other about anything outside work. On a shared project, stick to email and meetings where other people are present.
Decide in advance what you will do when you run into him. Say hello, exchange a few words and go back to your work. After an encounter like this, your feelings may come back for a while. That is normal and does not mean you are back at the start. If seeing him every day wears you out over the long term, talk to your manager about dividing the work differently or moving to another desk.
Tip 7, meet new people
Make new friends and broaden your horizons. For a while it will be better not to see your shared group of friends. Meeting new people can help you get him out of your head. And in time you may find that you get on far better with someone new. How do you find new friends? Proven tips.
- shared interests (try a cookery course, an educational course or group classes)
- charity events, helping at an animal shelter, environmental organisations
- extracurricular activities (organising a sports event, clubs, preparing the school ball)
You can also meet new people on online dating sites, such as Badoo, Tinder or ELITE Date. Our overview of dating sites covers more options.
Tip 8, focus on yourself
This is the right time to pamper yourself and look after yourself. You deserve it. Spend time on things you enjoy, immerse yourself in your hobbies and try new things that will keep you busy and fill your head with other thoughts.
Tips for looking after yourself.
- massage
- beauty treatments
- new nails
- hairdresser
- new clothes
- spa break
- holiday
- sport
- a Netflix series marathon
- buy yourself a present
Tip 9, endorphins, endorphins!
Happy hormones called endorphins can lift your mood and create a sense of wellbeing. Release endorphins in your brain through physical activity. According to the World Health Organization, regular exercise eases the symptoms of depression and anxiety and improves overall wellbeing.
Sport can help you clear your head. While you exercise, you concentrate on the physical activity, and your mind has less room to think about anything else.
PartnerELITE Date, a dating site run by a Prague companyRegistration is free, but messaging and premium features are paid. The site is run by ELITE Date s.r.o., and you will see the price list after registering.Go to ELITE Date registration ›
Tip 10, no sense of personal failure
Whatever you do, do not blame yourself or reproach yourself for it. It is not your personal failure. Love yourself as you are. Be kind to yourself and do not push yourself.
How to fall out of love quickly is not an easy task at all, and you need to go through certain stages of grief. Accept this unhappy stage of your life and fight it as best you can. You do not have to cope alone. You can ask the people close to you or a professional for help.
Tip 11, do not let hatred consume you
At first, it is understandable to feel all kinds of negative feelings towards someone who does not return our love. Do not give in to feelings of hating that person or wanting revenge. Just as we think about someone constantly when we are in love, we think just as often about someone we hate.
Trying to fall out of love with a married man by vengefully threatening to expose your affair to make yourself feel better will only leave you asking yourself later, “Did I really need this?”
“Better than hating and taking revenge is to forget and love again.”
Attributed to Ivan Bunin
Tip 12, wish him happiness!
Wish him all the best in life! The beauty of true love is that we wish the other person happiness, even if it is not with us. Being able to be happy because the people around you are happy is a wonderful ability.
Do not compare yourself with his other partners either. It really only hurts you.
Tip 13, social media
Hide his posts for a while, or feel free to unfriend him. Limit chatting with him. Social media tempts you to keep checking his profile, look at every photo he posts or scroll endlessly through his partner’s profile.
Take a break from Instagram or Facebook for a while. Do not try to prove to him on social media that you have someone else or that you are out partying with alcohol every day. You will only drag out this period.
Research also supports not following his profile. In 2012, psychologist Tara C. Marshall published a study with 464 participants in the journal Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking.
People who followed their ex-partner’s Facebook profile after a break-up felt more distress over the break-up, more negative feelings, desire and longing, and less personal growth, even after taking into account how often they saw the ex in person. The study looked at following the profile and says nothing about unfriending itself.
Hide, mute or block
You do not have to block him straight away. On Instagram you can mute an account, and on Facebook you can unfollow it. In both cases you stop seeing his posts and he does not get a notification. That is enough if you run into him and do not want to make a big gesture.
Blocking makes sense if he messages you himself, provokes you, or if you cannot resist opening his profile again and again. Think about shared photos too. Archive them so you do not come across them in the memories that apps show you automatically.
Tip 14, watch out for the vicious circle
Behind how to fall out of love lies hard work and a great deal of effort. Were you already over it, and now feel you are back at the start? Getting caught in a vicious circle and feeling the same emotions again and again becomes frustrating over time. Try to see it as idealising him and not having a realistic view. Literally focus on his flaws.
Thinking about his faults works, but you need distraction too
The advice to focus on his faults is backed by research. In 2018, psychologists Sandra Langeslag and Michelle Sanchez from the University of Missouri in St. Louis described an experiment with 24 people struggling after a break-up in a journal of the American Psychological Association. When they reminded themselves of their ex-partner’s unpleasant sides, such as an annoying habit, their love for him weakened, but they felt worse.
Distraction, for example thinking about a favourite food, did not change their love, but it did improve their mood. The third approach, accepting their own feelings without trying to suppress them, changed neither love nor mood. However, all three approaches reduced how much a photo of the ex-partner drew their attention.
In our view, this suggests a simple approach. Write down what bothered you about him, and if reading it brings you down, go for a walk, call a friend or put on a series.
Tip 15, professional help
Sometimes we are not ready for rejection and the pain of unrequited love. In fact, we have no idea how to cope with it. We try as hard as we can, but we feel it is impossible and that our life is over. Love is one of the most beautiful things in the world, but unfortunately it also brings suffering.
Seek professional help! Therapists and psychologists stand outside your situation and can assess it from a distance. Use online or in-person sessions and talk to a professional about your problem.
Distress after a break-up can turn into depression. A 2019 study by Verhallen and colleagues in the journal PLOS ONE followed 71 young people aged 18 to 25 who had broken up in the previous six months. Roughly a quarter of them, 26.8%, had at least mild symptoms of depression.
Pay attention if, for several weeks, sadness takes away your sleep, your appetite and your enjoyment of things you used to like. The article 11 symptoms of depression you should not underestimate explains how to recognise depression, and the article when to see a psychologist describes what to expect from a professional.
If you are feeling bad and have no one to turn to, call a local crisis helpline (in the Czech Republic: Linka první psychické pomoci, 116 123, free of charge and available around the clock). Children and students can contact a local helpline for young people (in the Czech Republic: Linka bezpečí, 116 111). If you are thinking about harming yourself, call your local emergency number: 112 in Europe, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 in the UK (in the Czech Republic: ambulance service 155 or 112).
” No one deserves your tears or your crying, and the one who does deserve them won’t make you cry… “
Unknown author
Take the path that will be easiest for you. You do not have to cope alone. You can ask friends, family or a professional for help. Accept your feelings and this unpleasant situation as a fact. Life does not always go to plan, and we never know what might happen.
Always stay open to the future, love yourself and enjoy the little things in life. All these tips can help you fall out of love and forget about a guy. Fingers crossed!
