Narcissist, or “narcis” in casual Czech. You probably picture an arrogant man with excessive self-love. Yet narcissism affects women too, although research suggests it is slightly more common in men. Can you identify a narcissist around you? What is narcissism and what is it not? What are its traits, how do you deal with them and what causes narcissistic personality disorder?
The short answer. A narcissist is a person who excessively admires themselves, needs constant admiration from others and cannot empathise with other people. Everyone has narcissistic traits to some degree, but only a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder.
If you live or work with a narcissist, it helps to set clear boundaries and not get drawn into their games. If you experience psychological or physical abuse, seek help.
Table of contents
Narcissism and its traits
People with narcissistic personality disorder excessively admire themselves, often behave arrogantly and cannot put themselves in other people’s shoes. To them, the people around them are just tools that should serve or admire them. Can you manage both? Then you will get on well with a narcissist, but expect trouble the day you put your own interests before theirs.
How can you reliably recognise a narcissist? Lately, “narcissist” has become an overused term. We use it for anyone who is even slightly self-absorbed, likes having their photo taken and looks after themselves. That is not narcissism, though, but healthy self-love. A narcissist in the true sense of the word can be recognised by the following traits:
- egocentrism (self-centredness)
- selfishness
- self-admiration
- contempt for others
- lack of empathy
- inability to listen
- manipulating people and circumstances for their own benefit
- intolerance of criticism directed at them
Because a narcissist tries to present themselves in a good light, their true nature only comes out later. For example, they like helping people, but they like talking about it even more. They turn up late to meetings, because others will surely wait. They ask how you are, but can’t wait to talk about themselves. At the weekend, the plan is whatever they want, whether you like it or not.
Narcissism in men
A know-it-all, a macho man, a real show-off. In his view, everyone around him is less capable and should listen to his advice and opinions. After all, only what he does is right. In company he often dazzles and knows how to sell himself. He needs admiration and recognition, and if you don’t give them to him, there is something wrong with you.
Narcissism in women
She often casts herself as the poor victim. She has coped with life’s hardships entirely on her own (and often embellishes them), and you should admire her for it. She vividly describes how all men want her and all women want to be like her. In her account, her friends come across as helpless, and she selflessly helps and guides them.
Both descriptions, however, are popular stereotypes, not research findings. Research tends to agree that men have, on average, slightly more pronounced narcissistic traits. A 2023 cross-sectional study by Weidmann, Chopik and colleagues found this difference consistently across all eight questionnaires it compared.
Narcissistic personality disorder or just narcissistic traits?
Everyone has narcissistic traits to some degree. We want to be appreciated, we like hearing praise and we sometimes talk more about ourselves than about others. We only speak of a personality disorder when such behaviour is persistent, appears in most relationships and situations, and causes problems for the person and for those around them.
The American diagnostic manual DSM-5-TR describes narcissistic personality disorder as a persistent pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration and lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood at the latest. For a diagnosis, a person must meet at least five of nine criteria. The professional reference MSD Manual summarises them as follows.
- an exaggerated and unfounded sense of their own importance and talent
- preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, influence, power, intelligence, beauty or ideal love
- a belief that they are special and should only associate with people of the highest status
- a need for excessive admiration
- a sense of entitlement
- exploiting others to achieve their own goals
- lack of empathy
- envy of others and a belief that others envy them
- arrogance and haughtiness
The World Health Organization’s International Classification of Diseases, 11th Revision (ICD-11), no longer includes narcissistic disorder as a separate diagnosis. It rates personality disorders by severity as mild, moderate or severe and adds prominent traits.
In ICD-11, self-centredness, expecting admiration and lack of empathy fall mainly under the trait of dissociality. Some countries, such as the Czech Republic, still use ICD-10, where narcissistic disorder is classified among other specific personality disorders under code F60.8.
How many people have the disorder varies considerably depending on the research method. The MSD Manual states that a review of five epidemiological studies found a median of 1.6%. A large American survey published in 2008 by a team led by Stinson, which included 34,653 adults, found a lifetime prevalence of 6.2% using DSM-IV criteria, 7.7% in men and 4.8% in women. This is the upper end of the estimates.
Neither figure means that every self-centred colleague has the disorder. Only a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist can make a diagnosis after an assessment, not an article or an online test. So use the “narcissist” label carefully. For your own decisions, what matters more is how the person treats you.
Does narcissism change with age?
On average, narcissistic traits are strongest in young adulthood and weaken with age. This was shown by a study by Wetzel, Grijalva, Robins and Roberts, published in 2020 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. It followed the same people for 23 years, from an average age of 18 to 41.
Entitlement declined the most, vanity less so. However, those who were more narcissistic than their peers at 18 mostly remained so at 40.
The same cross-sectional study by Weidmann, Chopik and colleagues, which compared over 270,000 people of different ages, showed the same thing. Narcissism was highest among young adults.
Both studies, however, measure ordinary narcissistic traits in the population, not a diagnosed disorder. So they do not tell us how a person with narcissistic personality disorder changes with age.
Vulnerable narcissism, also called covert
Not every narcissist is loud and self-assured. Psychology distinguishes two forms of narcissism. Grandiose narcissism matches the usual image: self-confidence, dominance and a need to be the centre of attention. Vulnerable narcissism, informally called covert, looks the opposite from the outside. Such a person tends to be shy, oversensitive to criticism, anxious and often feels unappreciated.
What both forms have in common is that they treat others with hostility and disregard. However, a 2011 study by Miller and colleagues in the Journal of Personality showed that grandiose and vulnerable narcissism otherwise differ in many respects, for example in neuroticism (a tendency towards anxiety and negative emotions) or in extraversion.
In a 2010 review, psychologists Pincus and Lukowitsky identify grandiosity and vulnerability as the two main themes of narcissism. In their view, overt and covert narcissism only describe the way narcissism is expressed, and they recommended not treating them as two separate types of people.
You are more likely to recognise a covert narcissist by how they react when they don’t receive recognition. They take offence, withdraw, hold grudges for a long time and quietly envy others. Self-pity and a feeling that the world doesn’t understand or appreciate them are common.
In research, narcissism is measured with questionnaires such as the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI), the Pathological Narcissism Inventory (PNI) or the Hypersensitive Narcissism Scale (HSNS), which focuses on oversensitivity. These are research tools, not a diagnosis, and online tests for covert narcissism are no substitute for one.
Narcissists’ favourite phrases
For narcissists, words are a tool for achieving their own goals. They use them to manipulate the people around them and take it for granted that others will give way. Be alert if you often hear these phrases from someone:
- You’ve changed lately. (You’ve stopped jumping when they say jump.)
- You’re too sensitive. (They hurt you and are convinced the problem is your reaction, not their behaviour.)
- It seems to me you’re becoming selfish. (You put yourself before them.)
- It’s not my fault you got upset/you’re sad. (Their behaviour hurts you, but in their view you only have yourself to blame.)
- You’re too demanding. (You want them to compromise and let your needs be met for a while too? Certainly not.)
- I want what’s best for you. (It isn’t true, but saying it makes them look good in front of everyone.)
The narcissist in a relationship
A relationship with a narcissist often starts with unexpected intensity. Your partner showers you with attention, compliments and plans for the future, talks about soulmates and wants you all to themselves. This flood of affection is called love bombing. On its own it proves nothing, as falling in love is intense for everyone. Be alert when the fast pace can’t be slowed down and your partner takes offence as soon as you want more space.
A relationship with a narcissist is often described in three phases. Idealisation is followed by devaluation, when your partner criticises you, mocks you and compares you with others. The third phase is discarding, meaning a cold departure or a loss of interest, sometimes followed by a return and a new round of idealisation. This is not a clinical classification, but it helps explain why the relationship swings between heaven and hell.
How to recognise a narcissist in a relationship
A narcissistic partner or husband is revealed more by repeated patterns than by individual arguments. If you recognise yourself in the following points, take it as a signal to stop and think.
- Your needs always come after his, and when you ask for something, he says you are selfish or demanding.
- He cannot handle criticism from you, yet he criticises often and harshly himself.
- He questions your memories and feelings until you stop trusting yourself. This manipulation is called gaslighting.
- He punishes you with silence or by withdrawing affection when you do not do what he wants.
- He cuts you off from friends and family, or puts them down in front of you.
- He never apologises, or only when he needs you to come back.
If the relationship involves humiliation, threats, control over money and your phone, or physical violence, it is no longer just an unpleasant personality but domestic violence. Help is offered by your local domestic abuse helpline or crisis helpline (in the Czech Republic: the Victim Helpline (Linka pomoci obětem) of Bílý kruh bezpečí on 116 006 and the Acorus centre on 776 069 669). If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number: 112 in Europe, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 in the UK (in the Czech Republic: police on 158).
The narcissistic parent
A narcissistic parent sees the child as an extension of themselves. They want the child to represent the family, fulfil their ambitions and never embarrass them. Praise comes mainly for achievements the parent can show off, and the child learns that their own wishes and feelings do not matter.
Such a parent often cannot bear it when the child has a different opinion and accuses them of ingratitude. Among siblings, they sometimes choose a favourite child and a scapegoat. In adult children, this can show up as problems with self-esteem, with setting boundaries, or a feeling that love has to be earned. We describe how to protect yourself in our article on how a manipulative mother can affect your life.
If you are a child or a young person and you do not feel good at home, you can call a local helpline for children and young people (in the Czech Republic: Linka bezpečí on 116 111, free of charge, for children and students under 26). Adult children of narcissistic parents can benefit from psychotherapy, where they can safely explore what they carry with them from childhood. In an acute crisis, adults can call a local crisis helpline or see a doctor (in the Czech Republic: the Psychological First Aid Line (Linka první psychické pomoci) on 116 123, round the clock and free of charge).
How to deal with a narcissist?
The roots of narcissistic personality disorder are often sought in childhood. According to some theories, the child is either excessively praised by the parents and convinced of being exceptional, or, on the contrary, receives no attention at all, so they give it to themselves and become convinced of their own perfection and that others only want to hurt them.
However, the exact cause is not known. According to the MSD Manual, limited data suggest a significant hereditary component. Some theories add caregivers who are either overly critical or, conversely, overly admiring and indulgent. Upbringing is therefore just one of the possible influences.
Narcissism can be treated with psychotherapy, which aims to help the narcissist see themselves and others more clearly. The problem is that narcissists are often aware of their traits but do not consider them a problem, so they rarely come to therapy. What they lack is willingness for self-reflection rather than information. Pushing them into therapy is therefore almost impossible.
The MSD Manual states that psychodynamic therapy and its adapted forms can be effective, and some patients may benefit from cognitive behavioural therapy. According to the same manual, the disorder is often accompanied by depression, substance addiction or another personality disorder.
Does a narcissist know they are a narcissist? Often more than you might expect. A 2011 study by Carlson, Vazire and Oltmanns, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, asked this question directly.
According to the study, narcissists sense that others see them less favourably than they see themselves, and that their good first impression fades over time. They even described themselves as arrogant. But being aware of it does not mean wanting to work on it.
You may have just realised that there is a narcissist in your life, or that you even share a home with one. One piece of advice is clear. Get away from them! Arguing with a narcissist is like talking to a brick wall, usually pointless. And if you think they will eventually get enough applause and appreciate your efforts, you are wrong. Their hunger for admiration is insatiable.
If you do not want to, or for some reason cannot, cut off a person with narcissism, you have two options. In our view, the second one is better.
Give in and sacrifice yourself for their sake
Do not destroy yourself. You deserve to think about yourself, your wellbeing and your hobbies. If your interests do not align, you will only suffer needlessly.
Tip: Learn to say NO when it is in your interest.
Communicate assertively and without emotion
Because the narcissist’s manipulation does not work on you, you will fall out of favour with them. See it this way: at least you are minimising their attempts to pull you into their fan base. While others eagerly nod along to their statements to avoid provoking them, you will reply:
- No.
- I respect that, but I see it differently.
- Maybe.
- I will have to think about it.
Tip: Learn to be assertive, which means standing up for yourself in a healthy way.
In practice, it helps to speak briefly and to the point and to have agreements confirmed in writing. Do not explain each of your decisions at length, as every justification gives them more room to negotiate. Do not react emotionally to provocations and insults. If you have to work with them, communicate by email where possible so there is a record.
From all these responses, the narcissist will understand that you listened to them but have your own opinion. How they react and whether they accept it remains to be seen. It is worth realising that a narcissist may not intend to hurt you deliberately, but their behaviour can still hurt you. That is why it is up to you whether you set boundaries.
How to leave a narcissist
Leaving a narcissistic partner tends to be harder than an ordinary break-up. The narcissist may try to win you back with promises and apologies, or, on the contrary, threaten you, spread gossip about you and turn mutual friends against you. That is why it is good to plan your departure carefully and have people around you who will support you.
- Do not let anyone talk you out of your decision. Write down your reasons, as it will help when you start to have doubts.
- Keep contact to a minimum. If you have no children or shared property, cut it off completely. If you do, communicate in writing and only about practical matters.
- Do not defend or explain yourself. Every justification is an opportunity for them to negotiate further.
- Keep messages, emails and records of threats. They may be useful for the police or in court.
- Turn to people close to you, a psychologist or a counselling centre. You do not have to go through this alone.
To the question of how to destroy or punish a narcissist, we think the best answer is calm and silence. A narcissist is often mainly after your reaction, and when they do not get it, they lose power over you. Revenge, on the other hand, keeps you in the relationship even after it has ended and drains the energy you need for yourself.
If you feel exhausted after the break-up, doubt yourself or feel afraid, read through the ten signs of psychological abuse and consider professional help from a doctor or therapist. If your ex-partner threatens or stalks you, contact your local domestic abuse helpline (in the Czech Republic: the Victim Helpline on 116 006 or the Acorus centre on 776 069 669) or call your local emergency number: 112 in Europe, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 in the UK (in the Czech Republic: police on 158). If you mainly need someone to talk to, call a local crisis helpline (in the Czech Republic: Linka první psychické pomoci on 116 123).
