Manipulation, although it may not seem so, can also be well meant. However, even when we try to influence someone in a good way, it is not right. Every person has the right to their own decisions and actions. Influencing anyone means interfering with their rights. Unfortunately, we are surrounded by manipulators who have mastered various communication tricks. In today’s article, you will find out how to recognise them.
The short answer. You can recognise a manipulator because their words push you towards a decision you would not make without pressure, while leaving you no room to think it through yourself. The most common signs include a sense of debt, emotional blackmail, generalisation, time pressure and so-called gaslighting, where someone repeatedly denies your version of events. The article goes on to describe what such sentences look like, what to do when the silent treatment is used as a punishment, how to assertively reject manipulation and where to turn if manipulation turns into domestic violence.
Table of contents
Manipulation
Manipulation is behaviour that leads to influencing someone else’s thinking and actions, usually to the manipulator’s advantage. It is nothing new; manipulation has always been with us. In the past, it was a completely common practice, for example at royal courts, but from a much closer and more familiar past, try to recall some very clever mothers or fathers. Their skilful words could get their children to make many decisions.
This kind of manipulation through well-chosen words, which plants thoughts in the manipulated person’s head, is not unknown to today’s parents either. It often happens that parents influence their young children in the children’s own interest without realising it. That is why it is worth pointing out that manipulation can be conscious or unconscious. We can manipulate without realising it, seeing it simply as “pointing someone in the right direction”, but do we have the right to decide which direction is the right one?
Nevertheless, it is important for us to recognise harmful manipulation and communication tricks that someone may try to use on us. There is nothing unusual about it; people influence others every single day. A strong person with a clear view of things usually spots such behaviour easily, but weaker people with less self-confidence are unfortunately frequent targets of “manipulative predators”, who can change other people’s thinking to achieve their own goals.
The manipulator
A manipulator is someone who manipulates. In other words, someone who tries to influence our thinking, actions and opinions, which are not our own, to achieve their goals. To do so, they usually use flattery, vague expressions, closed questions, orders and so on. In conversation, a manipulator steers us where they need us to go. They leave no room for discussion. Anyone can be a manipulator; we most often meet them as parents, teachers, carers, bosses and so on.
There are different types of manipulators, for example:
- One who takes a dictatorial approach
- One who plays the victim
- One who seems active but relies on excuses
- One who plays your best friend
- One who is an emotional blackmailer
How to recognise a manipulator by the way they speak
A manipulator is often given away by the way they speak rather than by what they say. Instead of arguments, you mainly hear absolute statements and generalisations, typically sentences such as “you know that”, “everyone does it that way” or “it has always been like this”, which are meant to sound like facts but are not.
Another sign is that their speech avoids specifics. A manipulator talks in general terms, jumps quickly from topic to topic and answers a direct question with a counter-question or a reproach. If the logic of a sentence does not add up but a feeling of guilt or uncertainty still remains, it is a sign of manipulative reasoning, which is also described in logical fallacies.
It helps to write down the manipulator’s sentences or repeat them to yourself exactly as they were said, instead of interpreting them straight away during the conversation. You will find a specific list of the sentences and tactics manipulators use most often in the article manipulator’s sentences and tactics. How to recognise manipulators by signs other than just their speech is shown in the overview 7 tips for reading people better.
Communication tricks
When we talk about manipulation, we are talking about communication skills, or rather tricks, which a manipulator uses to influence other people’s thinking and to slip them a particular way of thinking. There are many communication tricks that can be recognised, because they are built on a few principles. Let us look at some of the communication tricks manipulators use:
Making us feel we owe them something
Sentences meant to make us feel that we owe the manipulator something are easy to spot. For example: “You know I’ve always been there for you.” or “Look how much I’ve done for you!”. The person who wants to influence us tries to stress that we owe them something and that now “it’s our turn”. Such communication often borders on emotional blackmail. A matter-of-fact reply is enough, for example “I appreciate what you do for me, but this decision is mine.”
Stressing that “there is no other option”
In this case, we will hear something like: “Go ahead and do it your way, but sooner or later, probably sooner, you’ll see that there’s no other way and that I was right.” Salespeople often use this kind of pressure, for example: “Of course you don’t have to buy it, but next season there will be no other alternative on the market, you’ll have to get the product anyway, and it will certainly cost more by then.” A clear sentence works against this kind of pressure, for example “I’ll decide when I have all the information, not by a deadline you set.”
They promise us a reward
Or rather, they use promises or threats. A manipulator will promise you that if you do this, they will do something else for you another time. Or, on the contrary, that if you do not act this way, something terrible will happen, and so on. “If you don’t stop behaving like this, you’ll give me a heart attack.” Most manipulators’ communication tricks border on emotional blackmail and play on emotions. You can answer both a promise and a threat in the same way: “My decision doesn’t depend on what you promise me or what you threaten me with.”
They create lists of piling-up consequences
This is a shining example of how the mind can create “scenarios”. “If we let them have fun, soon they’ll want to go out too, and as soon as they start going out, they’ll make a mess there, and when there’s mess everywhere, someone will slip and get hurt, and when someone gets hurt, they’ll sue us, and when they sue us….!” And disaster has struck. One sentence is enough to break the chain of catastrophic scenarios: “This is just one of many possibilities, not a certainty.”
They overgeneralise
This is known as the classic “lumping everyone together”. You can recognise this form of communication by sentences such as “You know what women are like, I wouldn’t do that.” or “Young people today aren’t interested in anything.” or “Old people are grumpy.”. These are examples of typical manipulative speech, not valid statements; the manipulator simply slips in a generalisation instead of an argument. Creating prejudice is one form of influence. It helps to answer such a generalisation with: “That’s your opinion about a group of people, but we’re talking about me.”
They refer to our previous statements or agreement
As soon as you hear something like: “I remember you agreed with this last time.” or references to study results and authorities, be on your guard. Manipulators also use expressions such as: “everyone knows that…” or “Even a small child knows that….”. If someone wants to convince you that an opinion is widely held or that you accepted it long ago, stay alert. It helps to answer specifically: “I don’t remember saying that, please show me where it was said.”
They create time pressure
The most common form of pressure is creating a sense of urgency. “If you don’t decide now, it’ll be too late.” Time pressure is used most by salespeople in the form of discounts until a specific date: “Buy now for 30%, tomorrow it’ll be 100% again”. Such pressure is meant to make us feel that if it is not done right now, something terrible will happen tomorrow. To respond to time pressure, simply take your time despite any protests: “I’ll decide tomorrow, even if the offer ends.”
They start their monologue with questions
You can also often recognise manipulation by the fact that the person who is trying to manipulate you starts the conversation with questions. For example, “And are you thinking about your children, how will it affect them?” or “How would you feel if…”. The aim of such questions is to stop us thinking constructively for ourselves. They steer our thinking where the manipulator needs it to go. It helps to turn the question back, “What makes you ask that?”, and not get drawn into answering on their terms.
Emotional blackmail and the sentences that give it away
Emotional blackmail is one of the most common forms of manipulation, because it targets the relationship directly and your fear of losing it. The manipulator links your actions to their own feelings or health and makes it clear that you are responsible for how they feel.
Typical emotional blackmail sentences look like this, for example.
- “If you love me, you’ll do it.”
- “After everything I’ve done for you, you should pay me back.”
- “If you loved me, I wouldn’t have to beg you for this.”
- “Your behaviour breaks my heart.”
The difference between a healthy request and emotional blackmail is that a request leaves the other person free to choose, while emotional blackmail does not. If a refusal is followed by guilt, reproaches or hints about someone’s health or the relationship, it is most likely manipulation rather than an ordinary request. Similar patterns, only in a more extreme form, are described in defending yourself against a partner’s vindictive behaviour. For a wider overview of how manipulation shows up within a couple, see the article on the most common types of manipulation in a relationship.
Types of Manipulation
There are many ways of influencing other people. Classifying this kind of communication is therefore a little complicated. One overview of the types of manipulation comes from Jeroným Klimeš, a Czech psychologist:
- Direct: The person being manipulated is aware that they are doing something they do not want to do (often in the family, at school or in a monopoly business)
- Indirect: The person being manipulated is not aware that something is happening that is not good for them
- Altruistic: A typical example is parental influence, where we try to manipulate for the benefit of the person being manipulated
- Egocentric: Manipulation for the benefit of the manipulator (in business or in a relationship)
- Initiating manipulation: The person who manipulates first
- Defensive counter-manipulation: The person who defends themselves against manipulation by also manipulating
Other types of manipulation can often be seen in marketing (these of course also apply to everyday situations, not just marketing). According to Gloria Beck, a German writer, we can recognise techniques such as these:
- Refreshing: The seller keeps reminding you of themselves and stays in your memory. You may also find that you “happen” to bump into someone suspiciously often.
- Authority: The manipulator is actually giving you orders that do not even sound like orders.
- Dissonance: Making the other person feel uncertain or agitated.
- Bad guy/Good guy: Taking advantage of the fact that someone has done something wrong and you, as the “good guy”, help them out of it, ideally after helping their action happen in the first place.
- Attractiveness: Making yourself look “nice” and kind, and playing on the emotions of others, who will then lean towards you.
Hidden manipulation
As you can see, there may be many manipulators among us, and they use a truly wide range of weapons. If a manipulator is aware of their skill, they become a true master of the craft. Such people are not only able to use suitable communication tools, but are sometimes not ashamed to be more active and even create situations. The worst thing for us is when we are unable to recognise manipulation.
Hidden manipulation is the most common form of manipulation. Someone is influencing how you act and you have no idea. This kind of manipulator tries to create seemingly random situations and quietly slips various thoughts and feelings into your mind. They usually make us feel doubt, fear, guilt or pity. Yet the manipulator themselves comes across as altruistic and selfless. They often hide behind the mask of a kind colleague or a good friend.
What gaslighting is and how to recognise it
Gaslighting is manipulation in which someone repeatedly denies your version of events until you start to doubt your own memory and judgement. The word comes from the 1938 play Gas Light and its 1944 film adaptation, in which a husband convinces his wife that she is going mad.
The concept of the gaslight effect was described, and the term brought into everyday use, by the American psychologist Robin Stern in her 2007 book The Gaslight Effect, where she described the relationship between someone who always needs to be right and someone who, out of admiration or dependence, starts to trust them more than themselves.
Typical gaslighting phrases are “that never happened”, “you’re oversensitive” or “you’re just making it up”, used even about events you clearly remember. It is not about a single unpleasant exchange of views, but a repeated pattern that leaves you trusting yourself less and asking the other person more and more how you should remember things.
The American Psychological Association defines gaslighting in its Dictionary of Psychology as manipulation that makes another person doubt their own perceptions, experiences or understanding of events. A similar, usually harsher phenomenon is so-called coercive control, described by the American sociologist Evan Stark in his 2007 book. According to him, the manipulator uses this approach to restrict the other person’s freedom to make decisions without having to use physical violence.
Mental manipulation
There is a difference between psychological manipulation and logical manipulation. While logical manipulation relies on arguments and verbal skill, psychological manipulation can also use the non-verbal level. However, they cannot be split neatly into black and white. Logical manipulation can also make use of certain psychological effects. A typical example of psychological manipulation is creating specific feelings, whether good or bad: feelings of guilt, fear, gratitude, friendship, obligation and so on.
In psychological manipulation, the aggressor uses situations that raise questions and uncertainty in us, or indeed a feeling of friendship towards the manipulator. They use skilful forms of communication for this, as described above, and ideally add a gift, a flattering remark or a friendly expression. In this way they use non-verbal means to strengthen and support what they say. It is therefore a classic communication trick enriched with various non-verbal expressions.
Manipulators often look for suitable people for their activities, as they cannot influence everyone equally effectively. These are the cases we see on television of a marriage swindler who has managed to deceive many women, or of someone who has repeatedly managed to borrow money without any security or guarantees. The victims of these manipulators are often described as naive, but this overlooks the other side of the story: masterfully executed manipulation techniques that first have to be recognised before you can defend yourself against them.
The silent treatment as punishment
The silent treatment is a form of manipulation in which one person deliberately cuts off communication to punish the other or force them to back down. It differs from an ordinary break to cool off in that it lasts a long time, has no clear end and comes with a pointed coldness, not just a need for calm.
A short silence after an argument is natural and helps both sides calm down. The problem arises when the silence lasts for days, is repeated after every disagreement and only ends when the other person backs down or apologises, even though they have done nothing wrong.
You do not have to respond to the silent treatment with your own silence or with pleas for forgiveness that explain nothing. It helps to say clearly that you will not accept this way of handling conflict, and to offer to talk only once the other person is willing to discuss things calmly and objectively. How similar patterns work after a break-up is described in the article on ignoring a manipulator as a way to win.
Manipulation is everywhere, how to defend yourself
Manipulation around us is becoming more and more noticeable. We can see it most in the media and in business. We are manipulated by politicians, manufacturers, sellers, marketers and so on. Psychological and communication tactics are nothing new. Today everyone learns how to target their speech and body language correctly. Every movement we make and every word we say can be aimed at a specific goal. Whoever understands the signals is the master of manipulation.
But this is nothing tragic. It is a completely normal part of human development. The more we study the mind and the types of people and behaviour, the better we understand them and the more we are able to use our knowledge. That is why it is good to know what these techniques can look like, so that we can recognise them in time and, where possible, defend ourselves against them. Each of us wants something and each of us tries to reach our goal. But it is up to us to make sure we are pursuing our own goal and not paving the way for a skilful manipulator.
How can you defend yourself? According to Andreas Edmüller and Thomas Wilhelm, authors of the book Don’t Let Yourself Be Manipulated!: How to Recognise Manipulation and Assert Your Will (Nenechte sebou manipulovat!: jak rozpoznat manipulaci a prosadit svou vůli), you can use these 6 rules to defend yourself against manipulation:
- Stay objective and honest (use sound, realistic arguments)
- Stay calm and patient (do not give them a chance to unsettle you)
- Act proactively (do not leave the initiative to the other side)
- Stick to your goal
- Focus on specific forms of behaviour (do not let prejudice control you)
- Build a golden bridge (keep the conversation objective and constructive, and even if you notice manipulation, give the other side a chance to act properly)
How to reject manipulation with assertive responses
The theoretical rules for defending yourself against manipulation are best learned through specific sentences you can actually try out at home or at work. Unlike an apology or an attack, an assertive response does not question your right to make your own decisions, and at the same time it does not attack the other person.
- “I understand you see it differently, but I’ll make my own decision.”
- “I don’t think that’s a fair argument, please try to stick to the facts.”
- “I need to think it over, I’ll get back to you later.”
- “I understand you’re upset, but it doesn’t change my decision.”
What all these phrases have in common is that they do not apologise, do not attack and leave no room for another round of negotiation. It helps to practise a few such phrases in advance, ideally out loud, and to use them in situations that have nothing to do with manipulation too. For more practical exercises on building firm boundaries, see the article learn to say no.
Where to find help
Most of the communication tricks in this article can be handled on your own. However, if manipulation escalates into repeated emotional blackmail, isolation from the people around you or a feeling of fear of a partner or family member, professional help should take the place of assertive phrases.
- A local helpline for victims of crime and domestic violence (in the Czech Republic: Bílý kruh bezpečí 116 006, available 24/7 and free of charge).
- A local domestic abuse helpline for women (in the Czech Republic: ROSA 116 016, available 24/7 and free of charge).
- A local crisis helpline for adults in crisis (in the Czech Republic: Linka první psychické pomoci 116 123).
- A local crisis helpline for children and young people (in the Czech Republic: Linka bezpečí 116 111).
- 158, 155 and 112 for immediate threats to life or safety.
If the manipulator remains in your shared household and poses a threat to you, the police and courts may be able to remove them from the home or issue a protection order; ask local police or a lawyer what applies where you live. In the Czech Republic, a police officer can remove such a person for 14 days from the shared home and its immediate surroundings (Section 44 of Act No. 273/2008 Coll., on the Police of the Czech Republic), and during that time victims are entitled to free help from an intervention centre (Section 72, letter m) of Act No. 108/2006 Coll., on Social Services).
