What a man feels for his mistress, 5 emotions and what research says

9.9K

A man’s feelings for his mistress depend on many things, including his personality and the circumstances, and they very often change over time. Just as the people involved differ, so does one affair from another.

The short answer. What a man feels for his mistress varies from man to man, from love to an escape from stress, a need for self-confidence or the thrill of something new. According to research by Dylan Selterman of the University of Maryland and colleagues, among mostly young people in unmarried relationships, an affair tends to last longer and be more emotionally deep when it is driven by love that has faded or a feeling of being neglected in the original relationship.

Whether you are the mistress or the wife, watching what a man does over the long term is more reliable than guessing his feelings. Below you will find what research says about infidelity, how to tell that a relationship with a married man is going nowhere, and what to do when a wife finds out about an affair.

What are the main feelings a man has for his mistress?

Some men have loving feelings for their mistress. Others find her exciting or desirable because she seems to come with no real strings attached. Others see her as nothing more than a place to unwind and are able to separate their love for their wife from their infidelity. Here are five emotions a man may feel for his mistress.

1. Love

Infidelity does not only happen in unhappy relationships, as the research below shows. One possible path to it, however, is a marriage in which husband and wife are not right for each other, do not understand each other, do not love each other and stay together only out of inertia or social convention. In that case, a married man may fall in love and feel genuine love for his mistress.

Some men describe feeling more like themselves with their mistress and connecting with her in a way they have not felt at home for a long time. Sometimes they admit that they cannot make the decision themselves and are waiting for someone else to make the decision about divorce.

2. A surge of energy and sexual desire

Some men go through a period of feeling tired and unappreciated, sometimes even useless, without knowing what is wrong. Then all it takes is for someone attractive to appear, someone who is kind to them and appreciates the little things.

The two may start flirting innocently and the man feels a rush of energy again. Someone new wants him and he feels desirable once more. He may then link the feeling of being alive again with his mistress. Some affairs begin on dating sites, and some even as so-called sugar dating.

Sexual desire and a craving for something new also play a role. In a study by Selterman, Garcia and Tsapelas in the Journal of Sex Research, men were more likely than women to give sexual desire, a need for variety and circumstances as reasons for infidelity, while women more often cited feeling neglected. These are averages, however, not a rule for any particular person.

Tip. Novelty can also be found within your own relationship, for example through shared activities that are new to both of you. Exercise and sport can also bring back a sense of energy and strength.

3. Fun, sex and friendship

A relationship with a mistress does not take place amid everyday obligations, so there is less room for friction. Each of them has their own life, unburdened by living together or commitments to each other. The time they spend together is filled mainly with fun and sex.

The man can once again become an entertaining companion who can make his mistress laugh and keep her amused. They can do casual activities together where they have nothing to do but enjoy each other’s company. There is no routine in sex, and they can experiment and enjoy themselves.

Some men describe how the affair started as a mainly sexual thing. As they spent time and talked with their mistress, they became friends, and over time it grew into something more.

The real danger is that time spent having fun often leads to hours of talking together, until the affair may develop into a genuine friendship.

4. Relief from stress

The reason for infidelity need not only be dissatisfaction with the marriage. It can also be inner personal problems. These may include unusual stress at work, a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence, fear that his wife will leave him, or fear that he will no longer be able to provide for his family financially.

Sometimes these worries are based on reality. For example, when a man has lost his job, or has been transferred or promoted to a new position that involves many new situations or a lot of stress.

Sometimes these worries are irrational and not based on reality at all. Either way, meeting his mistress gives the man a space and time where other problems do not exist, he is desired and everything is (at least seemingly) under control.

Women who have had a relationship with a married man sometimes describe being an escape for him from pressure and responsibilities at work and at home. With them, the man felt successful, important and wanted, and he said it helped him cope with his everyday responsibilities.

Research also distinguishes between acute and long-term reasons. Affairs triggered by acute circumstances such as drunkenness, a holiday or momentary stress were shorter in the study. A long-term need to feel important and wanted is closer to the self-esteem motive, and according to a summary by the PsyPost website, affairs driven by this reason lasted longer.

5. He is a hero again

Some men want to feel useful to their partner and able to please or protect her. In a long-term relationship where both work and share the children and the household, this feeling can easily get lost in everyday duties. It need not be anyone’s fault.

With a mistress, it can come back easily, because their relationship takes place away from ordinary worries. He can arrange a nice evening in a hotel for his mistress and choose where to take her for dinner and how to please her. He can be a hero to a woman once again.

What research says about infidelity

Research on infidelity is mostly based on questionnaires in which people describe their own experiences. It therefore cannot tell you what a particular man feels, but it does show which patterns repeat.

Most of the data cited comes from the USA. Treat it as a guide, not as a rule for your relationship.

How common infidelity is

Frequently cited figures were compiled by Wendy Wang, director of research at the American Institute for Family Studies, from the long-running General Social Survey. “20% of men and 13% of women reported that they’ve had sex with someone other than their spouse while married,” Wang writes.

According to the same analysis, the difference between men and women depends on age. Among people aged 18 to 29 who had ever been married, women were slightly more likely than men to be unfaithful (11% versus 10%). The difference only reverses in older groups. Infidelity is therefore not just a male matter.

Why people cheat

The reasons for infidelity were examined in detail in a study by Dylan Selterman of the Department of Psychology at the University of Maryland, Justin Garcia of Indiana University and Irene Tsapelas, published in the Journal of Sex Research. The authors asked 495 people who had been unfaithful what led them to it. They grouped the answers into eight reasons.

• Anger, for example wanting to get back at a partner for their betrayal.
• Sexual desire and dissatisfaction with sex in the relationship.
• Love that has faded and loss of interest in the partner.
• Feeling neglected, meaning a lack of love, respect and attention.
• Low commitment, where one person wants the relationship less than the other.
• Circumstances outside everyday life, such as alcohol, a holiday or great stress.
• Wanting to boost self-esteem.
• Desire for variety and more partners.

“It’s not always true that people have affairs because of some deeper problem, such as conflict or a lack of love in the relationship,” Selterman told PsyPost. He also pointed out that the sample was dominated by young people in unmarried relationships. The research therefore says less about older married couples.

What research says about feelings for a mistress

A follow-up study by the same authors in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, using the same sample of 495 people, examined how affairs unfolded depending on the motive and how long they lasted. People who had been unfaithful because of love that had faded or feeling neglected more often described closeness with their affair partner, said “I love you” to each other, went on dates together, and their affair lasted longer.

When infidelity was triggered by acute circumstances, such as drunkenness, a holiday or momentary stress, the affairs were shorter, the sex was less satisfying and people were less likely to confess. Affairs driven by wanting to boost self-esteem, on the other hand, lasted longer according to a summary by PsyPost. “Not all affairs are the same in terms of the emotions people experience or how they behave,” Selterman said.

Will a man leave his wife for his mistress?

No research can answer that for a particular man. However, the study in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy showed that when infidelity was caused by problems in the original relationship, such as anger at the partner, love that had faded or low commitment, the original relationship more often ended in a break-up. When the reasons were situational, it broke down less often.

The end of the original relationship does not automatically mean a new relationship with the mistress. The research also mainly concerned young people in unmarried relationships, not married couples with children and property in common. Watching what a man actually does is more reliable than guessing.

Infidelity does not only happen in unhappy relationships

A common belief holds that infidelity is always a symptom of a broken relationship. Selterman challenged this in a University of Maryland press release. “Our research suggests that it’s not that simple. People cheat for many reasons, and many of them don’t directly reflect how healthy the relationship is,” he said.

A later study by Selterman and colleagues in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior reached a similar conclusion. Among users of Ashley Madison, a website designed for finding affairs, low satisfaction, love or commitment in the marriage was not the main reason for infidelity. However, the research looked at people who were actively seeking an affair, and it cannot be applied to every relationship.

What to do when a man has a mistress

A long-term affair is often a relationship in its own right, with its own feelings, not just sex. Unless it is only a one-night stand or sex at work, the advice for both the mistress and the wife depends mainly on what you want.

What a man feels can only be guessed. A more reliable guide is what he does over time.

If you have become a mistress and do not want to carry on like this, your options are to find a way to fall out of love or to talk openly with the man about the future of your relationship. If you are the wife, it is up to you whether you stay in the relationship, and you do not have to decide straight away.

If you want to keep the relationship, it may help to have meaningful conversations with your husband and try to understand what happened. You can forgive him in time, but you do not have to. It is your decision.

How to tell that a relationship with a married man is going nowhere

If you are a mistress and wondering whether the man sees a future with you, his actions will tell you more than his words. Promising a divorce is easy; taking a concrete step is harder. These signs show that the relationship is more likely standing still.

• He repeatedly promises a divorce or to leave his wife, but without any concrete step or date.
• Your meetings are arranged entirely around his time, and you adapt.
• You do not know his friends or family, and you are never seen together in public.
• He always spends holidays, weekends and time off somewhere else.
• When you bring up the future, he changes the subject, gets angry or calms you down with a present.
• While waiting for him, you put your own plans on hold, for example starting a family, finding a home or another relationship.

None of this means he feels nothing for you. He may care about you and still not want to change anything. For your decision, though, what matters more is whether this kind of relationship suits you in the long term. We describe more signs in the article 15 signs that a relationship is pointless.

How to talk about the future

Ask directly and calmly, not when you are upset. For example: “I want to know whether I can count on you in the future. What exactly are you planning, and when?” An answer without a concrete step is also an answer.

Set yourself a deadline, which you do not have to tell anyone about, and when it passes, assess what has changed. If you decide to leave, it helps to limit contact and lean on your friends. You will find concrete steps in the article how to fall out of love and forget.

If you are unsure whether the man is even serious about you, the article how to tell if he is just playing with you may also help. Whatever you decide, your needs and plans matter just as much as his.

What a wife feels when she finds out about infidelity

Discovering that your partner has a mistress is often a shock. Anger, sadness, humiliation, sleeplessness and a feeling of not knowing what to believe all follow. In an article for the Gottman Institute, clinical psychologist Margaret Rutherford describes hypervigilance, nightmares and intrusive memories in betrayed partners. After such a great loss of trust, these reactions are understandable.

Another common question is what you did wrong. But the decision to be unfaithful was made by your partner, not by you. Even if there were problems in the relationship, they could have been dealt with differently. The research above also shows that infidelity does not necessarily reflect the state of the relationship.

How to decide what to do next

In the first days after finding out, you do not have to decide about divorce or forgiveness. Give yourself time, lean on someone close whom you trust and, if you can, take care of your sleep and eating. Major decisions are better made with some distance.

It helps to ask yourself a few questions. Do you want to save the relationship, or are you staying out of fear? Is your partner willing to end the affair, take responsibility and answer your questions? If he denies the infidelity or blames you for it, that is important information for your decision.

If you are considering a separation, find out in good time what divorce and the division of joint property involve. The article on free legal advice explains where to turn if you cannot afford a lawyer.

If you have no proof of infidelity and only sense that your partner is drifting away, read what to do when a man is losing interest. It is better to check your suspicions through conversation, not secret monitoring.

When infidelity comes with control or violence

If your partner threatens you, checks your phone or money, forbids you from seeing people close to you or hurts you, it is no longer just about infidelity. Call a local crisis helpline for victims of crime (in Czechia: Bílý kruh bezpečí 116 006) or a local domestic abuse helpline (in Czechia: ROSA 116 016, for women), ideally from a phone your partner cannot access. In immediate danger, call your local emergency number (112 in Europe, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 in the UK).

If you are in immediate danger, call the police on 158 or the emergency number 112. The article 10 signs of psychological abuse describes how to tell when it has become psychological abuse.

Rebuilding a relationship after infidelity

A relationship can be rebuilt after infidelity, but it takes time and, above all, active effort from the person who was unfaithful. The Gottman Institute uses a three-phase method for restoring trust, described by psychologist John Gottman and also used by Julie Gottman.

• Atonement. The person who was unfaithful takes full responsibility without excuses or blame, ends the affair, answers questions openly and voluntarily shows where they are and what they are doing.
• Attunement. The couple learns again to understand what the other is going through, to talk about feelings without blame and to handle conflicts better.
• Attachment. Emotional and physical closeness gradually return, including an open conversation about sex.

According to the Gottman Institute, analysing what was not working in the relationship belongs in the second phase, not the first. You will find a detailed guide to saving a relationship, along with signs that it is no longer worth it, in the article how to save a relationship and when it is no longer worth it.

The numbers were examined in a 2014 study by Marín, Christensen and Atkins, which followed up couples from a clinical trial of couples therapy. It involved 134 couples in couples therapy. Of the 14 couples who had disclosed infidelity, 43% divorced within five years, as did four of the five couples with a secret affair. These are small numbers, so treat them only as a guide.

Forgiveness is not an obligation, nor a condition you must meet within a set time. Trust is rebuilt in small steps, which we write about in the article how to build trust in a relationship.

When to seek couples therapy

Couples therapy makes sense when you both want the relationship, the affair has ended and your conversations keep going round in circles. It also helps when you do not know whether to stay together and need to decide without more arguments. The therapist does not decide for you; they help you both talk so that you hear each other.

Registered marriage and family counselling centres provide professional social counselling under Section 37 of Act No. 108/2006 Coll., the Social Services Act (zákon o sociálních službách), and under Section 72 of the same Act, social counselling is free of charge. You can find a centre by your town or region. Private couples therapy is paid.

Individual therapy makes sense for a mistress who has been struggling for a long time to recover from a relationship that has ended, and for a wife who needs to process the betrayal, whatever happens to the relationship. The article when to see a psychologist and what to expect describes what to expect from your first visit.

If control or violence is involved, couples therapy is not a suitable first step. Contact the local crisis or domestic abuse helplines mentioned above first (in Czechia: 116 006 or 116 016).