10 tips on what to do when a man is losing interest in a woman

4.6K

You tend to be sensitive to your partner’s feelings and can often tell when a man is head over heels in love and when he is starting to lose interest in the relationship. It starts small… You meet a kind, likeable man, you regularly plan activities together, he makes you happy and you are sure he cares about you. Suddenly he seems to have withdrawn, he interacts with you less and you spend less time together. You feel he is losing interest and you cannot work out why. So what are the 10 tips on what to do when a man is losing interest in a woman?

The short answer. When a man is losing interest, first check whether it is a long-term change or a temporary period of stress, tiredness or worries. Then talk to him calmly, speak about yourself and ask questions instead of blaming him. Do not give ultimatums and do not take all the blame on yourself. If the distance lasts several weeks and talking does not help, try couples therapy. If nothing changes even after months and your partner refuses help, it is fine to end the relationship.

How to tell he is really losing interest

One quiet weekend or a few shorter messages do not mean anything yet. A loss of interest is more likely to show as a pattern that lasts for weeks and appears in several areas at once. Pay particular attention to how he responds to your small attempts at contact.

Psychologist John Gottman calls them bids for connection. These include asking how his day went, a smile, a touch or a comment about the news. According to the Gottman Institute, couples whom his team followed for six years after their wedding and who stayed together responded to such bids 86% of the time. Couples who divorced did so only 33% of the time. Besides his responses to small attempts at contact, also look out for these changes.

• He asks less and shares less. He does not know what you are dealing with and talks about his own life only briefly.
• He does not talk about a shared future. He puts off plans for holidays or weekends and does not suggest new ones.
• There is less closeness. Fewer touches, hugs and less sex, with no explanation.
• He is distant even in calm moments. Not just during a demanding week, but also on holiday or at the weekend.
• He refuses to talk about the relationship. When you ask what is going on, he brushes you off or changes the subject.

If you have only just met and the man went quiet after a few dates, it may not be a loss of interest but caution or game-playing. We explain the difference in the article how a man’s feigned indifference works. What to do when he reads your messages and does not reply is covered in the article he is online but not writing.

When it is more likely stress or tiredness

Stress and tiredness differ from a loss of interest mainly in that they have a beginning and a cause. The distance came with a new job, illness in the family or money worries, and it also shows outside the relationship. He sleeps worse, is irritable or has stopped seeing his friends. He is usually kind to you, he just does not have as much energy for you as before.

In a 2009 review study for the journal Clinical Psychology Review, psychologists Ashley Randall and Guy Bodenmann concluded that stress threatens both satisfaction and the stability of romantic relationships. They distinguish between stress that arises within the relationship and stress that comes into it from outside, for example from work. A partner under pressure may therefore seem colder even though his feelings have not changed.

Also think about depression. According to the US National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), mental health problems in men often show as anger, irritability, changes in mood, energy and sleep, or excessive drinking. According to the same source, men seek treatment less often than women. However, only a professional can make a diagnosis; you can offer him support.

If such changes persist, suggest he sees a professional and offer to help him book an appointment. What to expect from the first visit is described in the article when to see a psychologist. If he is overloaded at work for a long time, it is also worth knowing the symptoms of burnout.

10 tips on what to do when a man is losing interest in a woman

Men lose interest for various reasons. Some are more general for men and easy to identify, while others are more subjective depending on the individual’s personality. Here are 10 common reasons why men lose interest in women, and what to do about each one.

1. He is losing interest because of stress

Many ambitious people suffer from this problem. They want to do well in their careers and expose themselves to enormous stress in order to succeed. However, it can happen to anyone from time to time. This stress makes him pull away from you, and it will seem to you that he has lost all interest.

His stress may be caused by things such as these.

• Depression, which in men can also show as irritability or withdrawal, see above.
• Financial difficulties. He may be in debt or have lost a lot of money on a bad investment.
• Incredibly overloaded at work and unsure whether he can cope.
• Disputes with an ex-partner, for example over maintenance, childcare or handing over the children.
• Dealings with the law. Perhaps he is a witness in a criminal investigation, or worse, facing charges or a lawsuit.
• Someone close to him is going through a life crisis. Perhaps a close friend has just been diagnosed with cancer, his father is about to go bankrupt and lose his business, or his mother can no longer look after herself.

There could be a million reasons why he is stressed. But there is one thing… If he is very ashamed of what happened (a bad cryptocurrency investment), do not expect him to reveal it any time soon. The last thing he would want to do is tell you something that would make you see him as a failure and so risk losing you as well.

Here is something you can say to him (without judgement) that will make him feel safe and increase the chance that he opens up to you. “If you’re feeling stressed about something, I want you to know I’m here for you, without judging you.” How to tell stress apart from a real loss of interest is described above in the section When it is more likely stress or tiredness.

2. Work is more important to him right now

He is busy with work and cannot pick up the phone every time you call. A relationship takes a lot of time and energy, and there are only 24 hours in a day. When his career matters more to him, he will eventually ask himself whether your relationship is worth the effort. And he will think: “This relationship is nice, but it’s affecting my career.” What he does next is entirely up to him. But in that case, try not to push him too hard.

When men lose interest in a woman, it is often because they feel too much pressure. So adding even more pressure is not a good idea. Even though you want to know where you stand at that moment, give him space to make up his mind.

3. He feels insecure around you

The point of an intimate relationship is to feel safe enough to lower your guard and be vulnerable. If at any point a man starts to feel that he has to be someone else around you and cannot be fully vulnerable, he will start to lose interest.

This insecurity and lack of vulnerability is caused by judgemental behaviour, excessive expectations or trying to turn him into someone else. When a man feels like this, he is tense and under pressure when you interact, as if he were under a microscope. Nobody wants to feel this way with the people closest to them, and eventually he starts to lose interest and withdraws out of fear that he will disappoint you or be judged.

Accept the man emotionally for who he is, so that he lets his guard down with you and can be himself. Any change you ask of him will then come from love and meet less resistance. That does not mean you should be a doormat and put up with things that bother you. Instead, find ways to give him a sense of security and love while also letting him know what you do not like about his behaviour.

4. He has doubts about the relationship

When a man seems to be losing interest in a woman, it is sometimes the result of growing doubts about the relationship. At that point he is not sure whether you are “the one” and is reassessing the relationship.

Watching your partner doubt the whole relationship and lose interest is heartbreaking. Instead of attacking him over it, talk about it honestly. Tell him clearly where you stand, and then give him some time to sort out his feelings.

5. Inconsistency on your part

Everyone wants to feel loved and appreciated. Men also want to feel that they are an important part of your life, and this is often reflected in small efforts and gestures. Sometimes one partner feels that they are the only one making an effort in the relationship. The effort from both sides does not have to be equal, but it should be consistent and meaningful.

A simple way to fix this is, of course, to make sure you put in the same effort as your partner and do not let him feel that he is carrying the weight of the relationship alone. Make a conscious effort to show him that you love and appreciate him, and take him to a spa or somewhere else, for example. Everyone enjoys being pampered.

6. Fear of commitment

Even after several weeks or months of dating, a man may not want to officially enter a serious relationship because of many factors, including fear of commitment. You may start to notice signs that he is losing interest just as things are becoming almost serious, and he shows signs of fear of commitment.

Avoid giving him ultimatums about taking things seriously and avoid pressuring him to make a decision. Instead, give him some time to process his thoughts and find a way to communicate with a man who is afraid of commitment. That might mean offering plenty of reassurance or simply helping him sort through his feelings day by day.

7. When a man loses interest in a woman, there may be someone else…

Perhaps the most painful reason a man loses interest is that he has found another woman. His interest has shifted from you to her. He may not have found the courage to tell you, and instead you see the shift in his behaviour and actions.

Here is some simple advice. Find out the truth by talking to him. If that is the case, it is up to you whether to end the relationship or try couples therapy.

8. He no longer loves you

Does he spend time on his phone instead of spending time with you? You may have heard the saying that you only truly get to know each other once you are in a relationship. And it is true.

When you are only dating, you both hide various things from each other, but once you are in a relationship, it is different. You literally reveal yourselves to each other. So it is possible that he now sees you in a completely different light… And that actually puts him off a little. He is probably afraid to say so, but when it happens, you will notice him losing interest.

You can do two things. Let him go. It may be hard, but remember that you deserve a man who will love you despite your small flaws. Or talk about it openly and find out whether you both want to work on the relationship. We describe what happens to us when we fall in love in a separate article.

9. When a man loses interest in a woman, your sex life is not what it used to be

Interest can also fade when sex disappears from the relationship. Sex simply matters in a relationship. In 2016, Amy Muise, Ulrich Schimmack and Emily Impett described three studies with more than 30,000 participants in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science. People in relationships were more satisfied when they had sex more often, but only up to a frequency of about once a week. Having sex more often than that was no longer linked to greater satisfaction.

When your sex life is no longer what it used to be, a man may lose interest. If this could be the reason, talk about it together. Sex is a shared matter and neither of you alone is responsible for it declining. A drop in desire can also have a medical cause that is worth discussing with a doctor. Otherwise, you can spice up your sex life together. Make it fun and exciting again and let his mind run wild at the mere thought of being intimate. Of course, that is easier said than done, so how do you do it?

Tip. Get inspired by the articles What is tantric sex? and What is the best foreplay?

Tip. Try sensual massages with oils and herbs that boost sexual libido.

10. You behave differently from when you first got together

When you first got together, you probably behaved differently from how you do now. Meeting, dating and getting to know each other is exciting. New relationships float on cloud nine. So you may not even notice changes in your behaviour, because they happen unconsciously.

During the dating phase, you may have been different in some ways.

• More relaxed, because you did not yet have high hopes.
• Casual, because the relationship was not yet so important to you.

So, quite naturally and unconsciously, you came across as more relaxed and easy-going. But after a few dates you may have thought: “Wow, I actually like him.” And then you think: “This is good.” And you start behaving differently. You may be behaving differently because you are afraid of losing him. That puts him off, because he may have really liked your natural, relaxed manner.

Then it looks as if he has suddenly lost interest. In reality, he is still interested, but in the woman he was seeing during the dating phase. So stay true to yourself and bring back the lightness and shared fun of the early days.

Tip. Liven up your dates, for example by asking each other spicy personal questions.

How to talk to him about it

Plan the conversation for a calm moment, not for the evening after a hard day or the middle of an argument. Talk about what you see and how you feel, not about what he is like. The sentence “I’ve been missing you lately” opens a conversation, while “you’re not interested in me any more” shuts it down before it begins.

Ask open questions and let him finish. The answer may not come straight away, as some people need time to sort out their thoughts. You could start with one of these sentences.

• “I’ve noticed we’ve hardly been talking lately. I miss it. How do you see it?”
• “It feels like something is weighing on you. You don’t have to tell me right now, but I’d like to know if it’s about us.”
• “Is there anything missing in our relationship right now, or anything that’s bothering you?”
• “I don’t want to blame you, I just need to know where I stand.”
• “What would help you right now? More peace and quiet, or more time together?”

If he shuts down and stops responding, do not push. The Gottman Institute describes this kind of withdrawal into silence as a result of emotional flooding and recommends taking a break of about 20 minutes to do something soothing. Agree to come back to the topic, perhaps later that evening or the next day.

One conversation is usually not enough. Expect to return to the topic, and watch whether anything changes over the following weeks rather than whether the right words were said. You will find more tips in the article why communication between partners matters.

What not to do when he is losing interest

Some reactions are understandable but tend to make things worse. The Gottman Institute describes four communication patterns that damage relationships the most. They are criticism that attacks a person’s character instead of a specific problem, contempt, defensiveness and withdrawal into silence.

The institute considers contempt, meaning mockery, sarcasm, insults or eye-rolling, to be the strongest predictor of divorce. Besides these four patterns, the following reactions also do harm.

• Do not monitor his phone or check who he is messaging. It undermines the trust you will need to rebuild the relationship.
• Do not give ultimatums in the heat of the moment. A decision made during an argument rarely holds the next day.
• Do not take all the blame. It takes two to make a relationship, and his distance may have nothing to do with you.
• Do not try to win him back with jealousy or feigned indifference. Games only deepen the insecurity.
• Do not deal with it through friends or social media before you have talked to him.

At the same time, you do not have to put up with anything in silence. Saying what bothers you is part of a healthy relationship; the difference is whether you talk about specific behaviour or attack who he is. We describe how to do this calmly and without reproach in the article how to set your own boundaries.

When interest fades in a long-term relationship or marriage

After years together, there is less novelty and more responsibility: work, children, a mortgage or caring for parents. The feeling that your partner has stopped noticing you rarely comes from a single turning point, but from hundreds of small moments when one of you reaches out and the other does not respond. That is why it is worth starting with the little things.

According to the Gottman research mentioned above, it was precisely the responses to small bids for connection that separated couples who stayed together from those who divorced. Try to return them consciously. Ask how the meeting he mentioned in the morning went, send him a message for no practical reason, and put your phone down when he is showing you something.

The point is not to bring back the first few months, but to find a new shared rhythm. A regular evening just for the two of you, a shared hobby or a weekend without the children can help. It is also worth finding out how each of you expresses and receives love, which is what the concept of the five love languages is for. You will find small ways to stay on his mind in the article how to make him think about you.

If you feel you are just living together like flatmates and conversations at home lead nowhere, it is time to bring in a third person. Ideally, someone who works with couples professionally.

Where to find couples therapy

Couples therapy is not a last attempt before divorce. According to John Gottman, couples wait an average of six years of unhappiness before asking for help, and by then the problems have had time to take root. The sooner you come, the more there is to work with.

A review of research published in 2012 by Jay Lebow and colleagues in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy confirms that therapy works. According to the review, couples therapy helps 70% of couples who undergo it, and its effectiveness is comparable to individual therapy. You can look in these places.

• Marriage and family counselling centres (manželské a rodinné poradny). You will find them in every region, and under the Social Services Act (zákon o sociálních službách) they provide specialist social counselling free of charge. You can search for them in the Register of Social Service Providers (registr poskytovatelů sociálních služeb), which is run by the Ministry of Labour and Social Affairs (ministerstvo práce a sociálních věcí).
• Psychotherapists and psychologists in private practice. Look for someone trained in working with couples. Check the price and length of sessions in advance, as they vary by therapist. We describe how psychotherapy works in the article psychotherapy.
• Crisis line. If the situation is urgent and you need to talk to someone straight away, call your local crisis helpline (in the Czech Republic: Linka první psychické pomoci, 116 123). In many countries such lines are free, run non-stop and some also offer a chat service.

If your partner does not want to go to therapy, you can start on your own. An individual consultation will help you clarify what you want from the relationship and what you are willing to do. Sometimes seeing that something has changed in you persuades a partner more than repeated pleading.

When it is time to leave

Not every relationship can be saved, and not every one is worth saving. A sign that it is over is when the lack of interest lasts for months, your partner repeatedly refuses to talk about the relationship or accept any outside help, and nothing changes however hard you try. It is just as serious when he treats you with contempt, mocks you or humiliates you, even in front of others.

Also consider whether the relationship rests on both of you or only on you. If you are the only one who plans, gives way and apologises, it is exhausting and unsustainable in the long run. You will find guidance for making a decision in the article how to tell that a relationship has no future, and if you have already decided, the article how to end a relationship sensitively will help.

Do not put off seeking help if your partner controls your money, phone or contacts, threatens you or physically attacks you. That is no longer a loss of interest but abuse. Contact your local domestic abuse or victim helpline (in the Czech Republic: Bílý kruh bezpečí, 116 006, free, anonymous and non-stop). If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number: 112 in Europe, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 in the UK (in the Czech Republic: police 158).

When a man loses interest in a woman, do not jump to conclusions

These were the reasons why men lose interest in a woman, and what you can do to win his interest back. It is often possible to win him back, even if he has lost interest. Unless it involves control, humiliation or violence, give him space and do not jump to hasty conclusions. Wait patiently and do not imagine the worst.

Dealing with a partner’s loss of interest is not easy at all. It often brings confusing, conflicting and frustrating feelings. It is important to regularly assess yourself and your relationship and work out what you can improve.

If a man loses interest, however, it is not the end of the world. It helps to name the reasons honestly and look for solutions together, not on your own. We hope you get through it and feel wanted again, as you deserve.