A toxic person is someone who can cause you and others a great deal of stress and unpleasantness, not to mention emotional or even physical pain. Everyone meets someone at some point who causes a lot of conflict in their life. Some act deliberately and calculatingly, for example people with strong narcissistic, psychopathic or Machiavellian traits. Others are more what people commonly call energy vampires, meaning they drain the life out of you simply by being around. When a toxic person controls you, they can push you into decisions you would not otherwise make and drag you into their dramas. All of this can lower your self-respect and self-esteem and even lead to anxiety and depression. We describe how to protect yourself below.
Short answer. A toxic person drains your energy, self-confidence and peace of mind over the long term, whether it is a colleague, a relative, a partner or a friend. Research links conflict-ridden close relationships with higher blood pressure, slower healing and a higher risk of heart problems. Clear boundaries, limited contact and support from loved ones or a counselling service all help.
The situation is different if your partner controls you, monitors you or threatens you. Do not confront such a partner, and do not cut off contact without a plan. Seek advice from a local domestic abuse support service, or call a local crisis or domestic abuse helpline (in Czechia: the non-stop lines 116 006, White Circle of Safety (Bílý kruh bezpečí), for all victims, or 116 016, ROSA, for women), ideally from a phone your partner cannot access. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number: 112 in Europe, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 in the UK (in Czechia: 158 or 112).
Who to spend time with and how to filter out toxic people
What is toxic positivity and why is it harmful?Table of contents
Who is a toxic person?
A toxic person is anyone whose behaviour brings negativity and upset into your life. Toxic behaviour can have various causes, including mental health problems, personality traits and past experiences. It can be linked to high levels of narcissism, antisocial behaviour, a lack of empathy, a desire for power and control, and also traumatic experiences or abuse in childhood.
Although toxic behaviour is not a mental disorder, some mental disorders, such as personality disorders, can be an underlying cause of it.
However, the word toxic is not a diagnosis. It describes behaviour and its impact on you, not an illness. Many people can have narcissistic or manipulative traits, but only a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist can diagnose a personality disorder after an assessment. You can find out more about how narcissistic traits show up in a separate article.
In any case, you do not need a diagnosis to make your decisions. It is enough to notice how you feel around that person and what keeps repeating. One argument or a bad day does not make anyone a toxic person. What matters is the long-term pattern.
What does toxicity do to your life?
Toxic people can have a significantly negative effect on your wellbeing. They can exhaust you physically and emotionally and even contribute to illness through the constant stress and heightened vigilance they cause. Toxic relationships can affect both your mental and physical health. Research links them with a higher risk of heart problems and higher blood pressure, and long-term stress can also weaken your immunity. Behind this is the constant stress and the “fight or flight” mode the relationship triggers.
In addition, toxic people can bring emotional manipulation, exhaustion and negativity, which leads to a lack of social support and to isolation, while social support is essential for maintaining good mental health. It is important to recognise these signs and seek help in dealing with the impact of toxic relationships on your wellbeing.
How a toxic person affects your health
Psychologist Julianne Holt-Lunstad of Brigham Young University studied so-called ambivalent relationships with Bert Uchino of the University of Utah. These are people towards whom you feel both affection and tension at the same time. In a 2007 study in the journal Annals of Behavioral Medicine, participants brought a friend along and told them about an unpleasant event. Those who came with an ambivalent friend saw their blood pressure rise more during the conversation and also had a higher resting heart rate than those who brought a friend who was clearly supportive.
“It is someone we may really like or care about. But at the same time, they can sometimes be unreliable, competitive, critical or frustrating,” Holt-Lunstad described. “If that kind of rise in blood pressure is a regular part of your daily life, your risk would increase,” she added. According to her research, such relationships can make up as much as half of a typical social network.
The British Whitehall II study, led by researchers from University College London, followed over 9,000 civil servants for an average of 12 years. People whose closest relationship had the most negative aspects had a 34% higher risk of a heart attack or angina than those whose closest relationship had the fewest. The results were published in 2007 in the journal Archives of Internal Medicine.
Conflict also affects healing. A team led by researcher Janice Kiecolt-Glaser of Ohio State University gave 42 married couples small wounds on the skin and then had them discuss a contentious topic. “Wounds in couples who behaved with hostility healed at only 60% of the rate of couples with low levels of hostility,” Kiecolt-Glaser said of the 2005 results.
A newer analysis of data from the same experiment, led in 2023 by Rosie Shrout, a postdoctoral researcher at the Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research, revealed a further link. In couples who avoided each other during the argument, or where one pushed and the other withdrew, wounds healed more slowly and their blood contained more inflammatory substances, more markedly in women. “Marriage is linked to better health, but chronically troubled marriages can make health worse,” Shrout summarised.
How a toxic person affects your mental health
The authors of the British Whitehall II study point out that negative interactions in marriage are linked to depression, often together with lower self-esteem. In our view, a similar pattern can also appear in a relationship with a colleague or parent whom you see often and cannot avoid.
Typically, you tiptoe around that person, rehearse conversations in your head beforehand and feel exhausted or guilty after seeing them. Gradually, you may stop trusting your own judgement, which is also the aim of gaslighting.
If this is accompanied by long-term insomnia, anxiety, loss of enjoyment or a sense of hopelessness, do not wait for it to pass. Check the symptoms of depression and contact a professional. There is more in the last part of the article.
Tip: How does a manipulative parent affect you?
How to recognise toxic behaviour
Toxic behaviour can be recognised by various signs and characteristics. Warning signs of a toxic person include:
- a feeling of being manipulated,
- negative energy,
- confusion about their behaviour,
- inconsistency,
- a lack of empathy,
- criticism and judgement,
- constant stress,
- an inability to take responsibility,
- alienation from others.
Toxic people often manipulate you, do not take responsibility for their feelings and make others prove things to them. You will rarely get an apology from them, and a relationship with them can easily slide into codependency. If you think there is a toxic person around you, you probably:
- Feel that the person is manipulating you into something you do not want to do.
- Are constantly confused by this person’s behaviour.
- Feel that you deserve an apology that never comes.
- Always have to defend yourself to this person.
- Constantly feel bad in their presence.
- Have these feelings come back every time you are with them.
If you have them all the time, you may want to change the relationship or end it completely. With a partner who controls you or whom you are afraid of, it is best to plan leaving first with a local domestic abuse support service or the staff of a local crisis or domestic abuse helpline (in Czechia: an intervention centre or the non-stop lines 116 006 or 116 016), as we describe below.
Questions to ask yourself
The following questions are not a test or a diagnosis. They will help you look at the relationship from a distance and name what keeps repeating in it. Answer yes or no to each one. Think of a specific person as you do so.
- Do you feel exhausted after seeing them?
- Do you apologise for things you did not do?
- Are you afraid to tell them you disagree?
- Do they talk about you dismissively in front of others?
- Do they control who you spend time with?
- Do you change your plans to avoid their reaction?
The more yes answers, the more likely it is a pattern worth discussing with someone close to you or at a counselling service. A single yes means nothing on its own. What matters is how often such situations repeat.
How to deal with a toxic person in your life
If you notice toxic behaviour, you can talk to the person directly, set stricter boundaries or cut them out of your life. Which route is safe depends on who the person is and how they react. Here are some strategies you can try.
Confront them
The following advice applies to people whose reaction you do not fear, such as a colleague, friend or relative. We do not recommend confrontation with a partner who controls you, monitors you or threatens you. It can escalate the situation. First discuss what to do with a local domestic abuse support service or a local crisis or domestic abuse helpline (in Czechia: an intervention centre, 116 006, White Circle of Safety (Bílý kruh bezpečí), or 116 016, ROSA).
When toxic behaviour keeps repeating, speak up. Point out any lies or inconsistencies to the person and tell them you do not like how they are behaving. This shows that you are paying attention to their behaviour and gives them a chance to explain it or apologise.
Tip: Read how to spot typical argumentative fouls.
Set firmer boundaries
If you have to keep a toxic person in your life, try to set firmer boundaries. For example, if someone abuses addictive substances and causes harm to you or others as a result, let them know you will not see them until they are sober. Make it clear that you will not tolerate their overly dramatic behaviour or their spreading of gossip about people. Limit the time you spend with them until they change.
Remove them from your life
If the strategies above do not work and cause further pain, abuse or dishonesty, it is time to let the toxic person go. Sometimes there is nothing left but to stand on your own two feet and move on. With a controlling partner, however, only leave once you have a plan, as we describe below.
How to set boundaries with a toxic person
Boundaries are not a punishment for the other person but a description of what you will do. They work best as short sentences in the first person, without long explanations and with a consequence you will genuinely follow through on. The article how to learn to say no explains how to do this step by step.
You can draw inspiration from these sentences. Adjust them so they sound like you.
- “If you shout at me, I will end the conversation. We will come back to it when we are both calm.”
- “I don’t want you to talk about me like that. If you carry on, I will leave.”
- “I am not going to discuss my relationship with you.”
- “I won’t come on Saturday. We can arrange another date.”
- “I am not going to lend you money any more.”
- “After six in the evening I only reply to urgent matters, I will deal with the rest in the morning.”
- “I understand that you see it differently. My decision stands.”
Follow through on the consequence the very first time. A toxic person often tests boundaries, and a boundary you have given way on once is harder to defend next time. Do not explain yourself at length, as every additional argument gives them room for debate. Practising assertiveness can also help.
With a partner who controls you or whom you are afraid of, do not use these sentences without a plan. A new boundary may provoke them, so safety and advice from professionals come first.
When to limit contact and how to leave safely
It makes sense to limit contact when boundaries repeatedly fail, when you feel worse after every meeting, or when the person is harming your health, your work or your finances. Limiting contact does not mean disappearing straight away. You can see them less often, only in the company of other people or in a neutral place.
With people you cannot avoid completely, such as a colleague, a parent or an ex-partner you share children with, it helps to write briefly, stick to the facts and only cover essential matters. If the person was a controlling or violent partner, arrange child handovers and communication through an intervention centre or a victim support service. How to respond without emotion so they do not drag you into further disputes is described in the article on why ignoring a manipulator can be a way to win.
Leaving a partner who controls you
If your partner monitors you, controls your money, cuts you off from your loved ones or threatens you, do not break up without a plan and do not tell them anything in advance. A sudden change can escalate the situation. You can go through the signs that point to psychological abuse in a separate article.
A domestic abuse support service can prepare a safety plan with you. In Czechia, intervention centres provide this free of charge (Section 72 of the Czech Social Services Act, zákon o sociálních službách); ask a local helpline what support is available where you live. You can also call a local crisis or domestic abuse helpline (in Czechia: 116 006, Bílý kruh bezpečí, for all victims, or 116 016, ROSA, for women), ideally from a phone your partner has no access to. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number: 112 in Europe, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 in the UK (in Czechia: 158 or 112).
Keep your documents, copies of important papers and a little money with a trusted person who is not in contact with your partner. Only change shared location, passwords and joint accounts after consulting the intervention centre, as a sudden change may alert your partner.
How to deal with a toxic person at work?
A toxic work environment is a breeding ground for stress, negativity and lack of fulfilment. It reduces productivity and daily performance and even destroys employee morale. That is why it is important to set boundaries so you can look after your personal wellbeing. A toxic work environment is one in which it is difficult for employees to work or progress in their careers because of negativity created by colleagues, managers or the company culture itself.
What can toxic behaviour in the workplace look like?
- micromanagement by managers and a lack of trust in your decisions,
- the expectation that you will be available after working hours, at weekends and even on holiday,
- aggressive behaviour by senior staff when giving feedback,
- overwork and exhaustion due to understaffing in the team,
- favouritism in pay and promotions.
To deal with a toxic work environment, you need to set healthy boundaries, clarify shared values, negotiate or seek support from other colleagues or managers.
Examples of toxic behaviour at work
A toxic colleague might, for example, take credit for your work, spread gossip about you, leave you out of emails and meetings or give you information late so that you make mistakes. A toxic manager criticises you in front of others, changes assignments without explanation, ridicules you or sends you reproachful messages at night.
It helps to keep records with dates and witnesses, agree tasks in writing and summarise verbal agreements in a short email. Repeated humiliation may already amount to bullying. How to defend yourself against it is described in the article on what bossing and mobbing are.
If it is your manager who is making your life hell, also read the article Is your boss a psychopath?. Even with a boss, though, this is not about diagnosing from a distance. What matters is what they do and how often it happens.
Tip: Do you know what the positive human qualities are?
A toxic person in the family
Toxic behaviour is harder to recognise in the family because we are often used to it from childhood. It might be a parent who ridicules you in front of others, constantly compares you with a sibling or makes you feel guilty with phrases such as “After everything we have done for you”.
At other times a relative does not respect your decisions about your partner, children or home, turns up unannounced, discusses your private life with others or uses money or an inheritance as leverage. Family relationships can be complicated even without toxic behaviour, so once again it is the repeated pattern that matters.
Cutting off contact with your family completely is a big decision. Intermediate steps often help, such as shorter visits, your own transport so you can leave at any time, and topics you know in advance you will not bring up.
A toxic partner
Both men and women can behave toxically. Typically it is a partner who checks your phone, wants to know your passwords, is jealous of your friends, makes decisions about your money or puts you down in front of others. You will find an overview of tactics in the article on the most common types of manipulation in a relationship.
The silent treatment as punishment is also common, as is alternating between warmth and coldness, or reproaches that end with you being the one who apologises. Pathological jealousy can also show up. The blame for such behaviour does not lie with you.
Every couple goes through a bad patch. In a toxic relationship, however, the same situations keep repeating, apologies do not lead to change, and you are afraid of your partner or give in to them to avoid conflict. 15 signs that a relationship is not worth it may also help. If your partner controls or threatens you, follow the section on leaving safely above.
A toxic person among friends
A toxic friend often only gets in touch when they need something, downplays your successes and passes on your secrets. They may also compete with you, comment on your appearance, make you the butt of jokes in front of others or take offence every time you spend time with someone else.
You can start by talking openly with your friend, as one honest sentence often helps more than months of silence. If nothing changes, you can let the friendship fizzle out, and taking less initiative and giving shorter replies is enough. How to choose the people around you is described in the article who to spend time with and how to filter out toxic people.
You can then give the freed-up space to people you feel good with. You will find inspiration in the article on how to find friends who help you grow.
Can a toxic person change?
They can, if they see their own behaviour and want to work on it, often with the help of a therapist. However, you will not recognise change by promises but by what happens in the weeks and months that follow.
Warning signs include an apology with the add-on “but you provoked me”, an improvement that only lasts until they get their way, or blaming you. You have no obligation to wait for the other person to change, and nobody has to approve your decision to leave.
What if you are the one behaving toxically
The fact that you are asking yourself this question is a good start. Notice when you put others down, when you cannot apologise without making excuses, or when you take your anger out on those closest to you.
Therapy works well for such patterns, for example cognitive behavioural therapy. It also helps to simply ask those close to you how they feel around you, and to be willing to listen to the answer without defending yourself.
How to recover from a toxic relationship
After leaving or limiting contact, you may feel relief as well as sadness, guilt or longing for the good times. This is normal and does not mean you made the wrong decision. You will also find useful advice in the article how to cope successfully with a break-up.
In its tips on stress, the UK’s National Health Service (NHS) points out that a good support network of colleagues, friends and family helps you see things differently. So reconnect with the people a toxic person may have cut you off from, and don’t be afraid to talk about what happened.
According to the NHS, exercise won’t make stress disappear, but it can reduce the intensity of your emotions. So also pay attention to sleep, walks and a regular daily routine. Don’t follow that person on social media, and if you keep replaying conversations in your head, try writing them down in a journal. On paper, they often lose their power.
When to seek professional help
Seek professional help from a doctor or therapist if sadness, anxiety or insomnia lasts for weeks, if you are afraid of the other person, or if you repeatedly can’t get out of a toxic relationship. If you have thoughts of self-harm, call a local crisis helpline (in Czechia: the 24/7 First Psychological Aid Helpline (Linka první psychické pomoci) on 116 123), or your local emergency number if you are in immediate danger: 112 in Europe, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 in the UK (in Czechia: 155 or 112).
Help from registered social services is free. Under Section 37 of Act No. 108/2006 Coll., on Social Services (zákon o sociálních službách), specialist social counselling also includes marriage and family counselling centres and counselling centres for victims of crime and domestic violence. Section 72 states that social counselling, telephone crisis support, crisis support and intervention centre services are provided free of charge.
For working through a relationship over the longer term, a psychologist or psychotherapist is a good choice. The article when to see a psychologist and what to expect describes what such a visit involves. If you are also dealing with the legal side, such as property or children, a free legal advice service can help.
Some people can’t be pleased, some people won’t be good to you, and often it has nothing to do with you. You can always say no to things that make you feel uncomfortable. You have a right to your boundaries and you don’t have to justify them to anyone.
