Getting back together with an ex is nothing unusual. Some couples who lived together or were married got back together after a break-up and built a relationship that works, while others found their old problems returned.
If you and your ex want to give your relationship another chance, you can expect a lot of effort and new steps to heal the wounds of the past and try to make it work well this time.
In this article, you will learn the steps to take to build a healthier partnership after getting back together. A relationship after a break-up is not unrealistic, but it takes a good deal of work and effort.
The short answer. A relationship can be saved after a break-up if you both want to get back together, you can name why it fell apart, and you are both willing to change what led to the break-up. A calm conversation, a slow pace and often couples therapy all help, and you can get therapy free of charge at marriage and family counselling centres.
If your partner humiliated you, controlled you or hurt you, do not negotiate about getting back together. If you are in danger, call your local emergency number (112 in Europe, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 in the UK; in Czechia: 158 or 112). A local crisis helpline for victims and a local domestic abuse helpline can offer advice (in Czechia: 116 006, Bílý kruh bezpečí, for all victims, and 116 016, ROSA, for women, both free and non-stop). Ideally, call from a phone your partner has no access to.
Table of contents
When getting back together makes sense and when it does not
Before you decide, try to answer honestly why the relationship fell apart and what has changed since then. Missing someone, loneliness or fear of starting again are strong feelings, but on their own they are not enough reason to go back.
Good foundations for getting back together
No list can make the decision for you. But getting back together has a better chance when most of these points apply.
- You both want to get back together and nobody is persuading or pressuring anyone.
- You can name why you broke up. If it was down to circumstances that have since passed, such as a long separation or a difficult time in the family, that is a good sign.
- The person who caused the hurt has taken responsibility and is not playing anything down.
- You felt safe in the relationship and could give your opinion without fear.
- You are both willing to work on the relationship, even with the help of couples therapy.
If most of these points apply, it makes sense to give the relationship time and follow the steps below. You do not need to be certain it will work out. It is enough to know what you want to do differently.
If the relationship involved violence or control, an apology or a promise is not a good foundation. For that situation, see the section When it is better not to go back.
Warning signs
Be careful if you keep breaking up and always for the same reason, if it is mainly one of you who wants to get back together, or if your partner promises to change only in words. The same applies if what mainly pushes you to go back is money, shared housing or the fear of being alone.
Getting back together like this often only postpones the next break-up. We look in detail at when it is better not to go back to an ex at all in a separate section below.
How to talk about getting back together
Save the first conversation about getting back together for a time when you are both calm, ideally in person and without alcohol. You do not have to decide anything straight away. It is enough to say that you have been thinking about the relationship and ask how your partner sees it.
If you have ever been afraid of your partner, do not meet them alone. Choose a public place, or better still, do not meet at all and do not negotiate about getting back together.
Speak for yourself and about specific things. Instead of “you never listened to me”, try “I missed the times when we really talked”. A sentence like that is easier to hear than a reproach. But you are not responsible for how your partner reacts.
What to ask during the conversation
- Why do you think we broke up?
- What would need to change for you to be happy in the relationship?
- Is there anything we need to discuss about health, money or children?
- How quickly do we want to move, for example, should we live together straight away?
Leave the conversation open to an answer you do not want to hear. If your partner does not want to get back together, persuading them, making them jealous or playing other games will not bring the relationship back. It will only prolong the pain.
At a time like that, it helps more to focus on yourself. The article 10 tips for coping successfully with a break-up explains how.
Agree on a slow pace
After getting back together, you do not have to carry on where you left off. You can start by going on dates and leave living together, money or big plans until a few weeks later, when you can see whether anything has really changed.
Make a conscious decision, not because it is convenient or because it just sort of happened. Say out loud that you are trying again and what you both expect from it.
A break-up caused by broken trust
Whenever trust is broken in a relationship, a rift opens up, and it can often end in a break-up. Sometimes it simply hurts too much to come to terms with it. If you both still want to save your partnership, you need to act.
A relationship after a break-up caused by some kind of betrayal more or less has to be rebuilt so that the wound can heal. Leaving these problems unresolved does not help in the long run.
Tips 1 and 5 only apply if you really did break the trust. If your partner merely accuses you of it or blames you for their own behaviour, they are not for you.
1. Take full responsibility if you are at fault
If you were unfaithful or broke trust in some other way, it is important to take full responsibility for what happened and to understand how your behaviour hurt your partner.
If you want to get back together, avoid becoming defensive or brushing your mistake aside, but do not fall into self-hatred either. You should acknowledge it in a loving way that creates room for a fresh start and for rebuilding trust.
Take responsibility, but do not try to justify your actions or blame them on someone or something else.
2. Give your partner the chance to win back your trust
The hurt partner has every right to feel hurt and angry. But if a relationship after a break-up is to make sense, the desire to work on the partnership should still prevail.
Trust is only restored when the hurt party gives the other a chance to win it back. If the person who caused the hurt proves they can be trusted again, you can rebuild trust.
But you do not have to give a chance. If your partner hurt you and plays down the infidelity or lie, repeats it or blames you for it, that is not your failure but a reason not to go back.
3. Practise radical transparency
Instead of bottling up your emotions, be radically honest with each other about what hurt you. This includes saying things that hurt, even if you feel a bit silly or are ashamed to admit some things.
If you are the one who broke the trust, this also includes being radically transparent with yourself about what motivated you. Was it just a momentary lapse of judgement? Or was it an attempt to sabotage a situation you did not know how to get out of?
To be honest with each other in the relationship, it helps to start by being completely transparent with yourselves.
But honesty does not mean letting yourself be controlled. If your partner demands access to your phone, monitors who you see or criticises you over every message, that is not transparency but control. We write more about this in our article on jealousy and its consequences.
4. Seek professional help
Broken trust can leave a really deep mark on either person in the relationship.
If the trust has been seriously damaged, consider working with a qualified therapist who specialises in relationships and can offer guidance on healing it.
A small 2014 study by psychologists Marín, Christensen and Atkins in the journal Couple and Family Psychology suggests that a relationship can be rebuilt after infidelity. It followed married couples from a clinical trial for five years after couples therapy, including 19 couples affected by infidelity.
Roughly half of the couples affected by infidelity divorced within five years. For couples whose infidelity was revealed, the figure was 43%, compared with 23% for couples without infidelity. However, the sample was small. Couples affected by infidelity who stayed together did not differ from couples without infidelity in relationship satisfaction and stability. We describe what to expect from therapy below.
5. Show compassion and care to the person you hurt
If you have hurt your partner, it is easy to fall into a spiral of shame and disappointment in yourself. But that will not help either of you.
Instead of spending all your time punishing yourself for what you did wrong, try to channel that energy into showing care and compassion to your partner.
Before you go back to your ex
The decision to go back to an ex should not be rushed. After all, the partnership ended for a reason, such as broken trust. But that does not mean you cannot meet your ex and try to build a new and healthier relationship after the break-up.
Give yourself time and decide once the initial longing has faded. If an independent view would help, turn to a couples therapist or a marriage and family counselling centre. There is more in the section on couples therapy below.
Tips for saving a relationship after a break-up
1. Acknowledge past hurt
When you are trying to get back together with an ex, it is important to be able to talk, especially about the past, even if it means difficult and painful discussions.
It can be tempting to sweep an unhappy situation under the carpet, move on and never mention it again. But if that happens, old wounds tend to fester in the relationship and resurface over time.
Talking about old wounds can help you build a closer connection and improve your ability to communicate and work through rough and difficult obstacles. Without these hard conversations, rebuilding a relationship after a break-up is much more difficult.
2. Respect your partner’s point of view
In relationships, especially after a break-up, it is important to make room for both points of view. This means letting go of the idea that one partner is right and the other is wrong. Even if it seems to you that things happened and affected you in a particular way, the whole break-up may have felt completely different to the other person.
This approach helps both partners express their feelings in a healthy way and in a safe space. Make sure you are an active listener so that you truly understand what your partner feels, and vice versa.
This does not apply to violence, threats, humiliation or control, however. These are not a matter of perspective, and you do not need to reach agreement about them with your partner.
3. Discuss what you have learnt from the break-up
While break-ups are very painful (in most cases), they can also bring many lessons and new experiences. They help you move forward, talk further about what you have learnt and think about what you could change in the future.
For example, these are questions you should consider if you want to rebuild your relationship after a break-up:
- How has the break-up changed you?
- What did you handle badly in the relationship?
- How will you resolve the same problems differently (if they arise)?
- Where do you need to take responsibility?
4. Work out how to improve your relationship after the break-up
Take time to work out how the second time can be better than the first. You both need to actively work on changing old patterns so that getting back together goes as smoothly as possible and your partnership is healthier than before.
Think about for example:
- How will you establish healthy communication together in a different way?
- How will you avoid slipping back into your old habits?
- How can you support each other differently?
- What will make the relationship feel safer?
5. Let your own and your partner’s emotions come through
It is important to make time for self-reflection. You should try to work on understanding what is going on inside you, which means dealing with your own and your partner’s emotions and feelings that you may tend to avoid.
This kind of self-reflection involves deliberate steps. Try sitting down, going for a walk or creating any other pleasant space to be alone. Then take a deep breath, relax inwardly and tune in to what is happening inside you and what you notice.
Ideally, practise mindfulness regularly, as it then becomes more automatic. It can make life easier not only in your relationship but in every other area too.
Remember that you should be able to understand not only yourself but also your partner. Developing awareness of others is just as important a step as developing self-awareness. Everyone tends to experience the world through a different lens. In healthy relationships, partners try to understand how the other person experiences the world.
You can try doing this in these two steps:
- Ask your partner questions about how they feel in your relationship, to show genuine interest and a wish to understand.
- Then summarise their answers by reflecting back what you heard and how you understood it, to reduce the chance of misunderstandings.
This can help improve your relationship after a break-up. When both partners feel heard and understood, their connection can deepen.
6. Make room for quality time together
A hectic pace of life makes it hard to prioritise time even with someone as close as a partner. Simply making room to connect sounds easy, but making the most of it is not so simple. Time together does not work without effort.
Every relationship needs quality time together, but it matters even more when you get back together and rebuild the relationship.
Keep in mind that it is not just about the amount of time you spend together but about its quality. Simply creating shared time is not enough, the time needs to be spent mindfully.
Instead of watching TV together or sitting on your phones, try taking up a hobby you both enjoy. Or you could go for a walk together, try a new restaurant or explore somewhere new.
You get bonus points for switching your phones to “do not disturb” mode, so you both focus fully on each other instead of messaging friends.
By actively making time for each other on a deeper level, you show your partner that they are a priority for you, just like your relationship.
7. Write a list of the qualities you both want in your relationship
To make the relationship more successful after the break-up than your previous attempt, sit down together and discuss what qualities you expect from each other in the relationship, such as fun or passion. Then go through the list and both commit to working towards these qualities.
It is not about forcing your partner to be someone they are not. It is more about certain decisions that define what you think an ideal relationship looks like, and what steps you can take together to get there.
Also expect that there will probably be some differences in the qualities each of you chooses. Then discuss how you could reach a compromise that you can both manage and that will make you both happy.
For example, if you value a healthy lifestyle and would like to bring it into your relationship, but your partner has no desire to go to the gym or eat super healthily, you can still find a happy medium. You can come up with activities you will enjoy together that fit this wish, such as dancing, hiking, food shopping together or a date at a healthy restaurant.
Whatever the scenario or the qualities you want, always talk it through so that you explore and meet each other’s wishes. A relationship should not be a place where you only fight.
8. Agree on what you need to tell each other
Healthy relationships are built on honest communication. Before getting back together, talk about the things that concern you both, such as shared money, children or health. What you did during the break-up, however, is your own business, and you do not have to talk about it. If you are afraid of how your partner would react, that is a warning sign.
Being open about things that concern you both reduces the risk that something unpleasant will come up later and weaken your renewed trust.
What to change so old problems do not return
After getting back together, the same arguments as before often return. It helps to agree on specific changes rather than general resolutions. Instead of “we will talk more”, you could agree to talk once a week about what is bothering you and leave your phones in another room.
Choose two or three things that contributed most to the break-up and start with those. Trying to change everything at once tends to be exhausting and rarely lasts.
How to argue differently
Disagreements are part of every relationship, what matters is how you handle them. Agree that when an argument escalates, you will take a break and come back to it when you are both calmer.
The way you argue also matters according to the research on on-again, off-again relationships described below. Partners who handled conflict ineffectively or aggressively experienced more relationship stress. Shouting, insults or threats are not just an arguing style, they are a reason to take notice.
Money, household and time for yourself
If the break-up revolved around money, housework or a lack of time, write down who pays for and does what. You can adjust the split after a few months, the important thing is that it is clear.
Getting back together does not mean giving up the friends or hobbies you found during the break-up. If your partner cuts you off from your friends, that is a warning sign, which we cover in the section on when it is better not to go back.
How to tell that something has changed
You can recognise change by actions that last, not by promises. Watch whether your partner does what you agreed on, even when you are not arguing and they do not want anything from you.
A good sign is when they bring up a problem themselves, accept criticism without attacking or blaming, and do not pressure you to trust them again straight away. How long this takes cannot be predicted in advance.
Regular check-ins
After a few months, sit down and review what has changed. What is working, what is not and whether you are both happy.
If you keep coming back to the reasons you broke up, that is important information, not a failure. You can try couples therapy, or admit that the relationship is not working.
On-again, off-again relationships and their risks
Breaking up and getting back together with the same partner is not unusual. In 2014, Amber Vennum and colleagues from Kansas State University studied a representative American sample of 323 unmarried cohabiting couples and 752 married couples in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
Of the partners who lived together without being married, 37% had broken up and got back together with their current partner, as had 23% of married partners. Those who broke up and got back together had a higher risk of further break-ups and reunions, greater uncertainty about the future of the relationship and lower satisfaction.
These couples were also more often held together by circumstances that make a break-up harder. For unmarried couples who lived together, this was more often children; for married couples, it was less money. According to the authors, repeated break-ups and reunions are not just a normal part of young relationships and may signal problems that persist into living together and marriage.
Earlier studies, which the authors summarise in their introduction, also linked on-and-off relationships with poorer communication and more frequent verbal and physical violence. However, these are associations, not proof that getting back together harms a relationship.
Why repeated reunions are exhausting
René Dailey of the University of Texas at Austin has studied on-and-off relationships for many years. In a study published in 2025 in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, she and her co-authors Amber Vennum and J. Kale Monk compared partners in on-and-off relationships with others across four separate samples (99 to 383 people).
Partners in on-and-off relationships reported more relationship stress and more psychological problems than others, and stress increased with the number of break-ups and reunions. Through stress, repeated break-ups were also linked to physical complaints such as headaches or stomach aches. This is an association, not proof of cause.
“Stress from conflict or aggression can add up over the course of repeated break-ups and reunions and affect mental health,” PsyPost quoted Dailey as saying. According to her, tension from conflicts early in the relationship does not necessarily disappear on its own after making up.
When it has become a cycle
If you have broken up and got back together several times, each time for the same reason, try to be honest with yourself about what you will do differently this time. Without a concrete answer, the cycle is likely to repeat.
Repeatedly leaving and coming back may also be linked to emotional dependency, which we cover in the article why to break free from dependency on your partner. Mixed feelings, where you want your partner and at the same time run away from them, are described in the article what an ambivalent relationship is.
Couples therapy and free counselling
Couples therapy is useful when you want to rebuild the relationship but keep getting stuck on the same arguments, or when infidelity and lost trust are involved. The therapist does not decide who is right; they help you talk in a way that lets you hear each other.
In 2012, Jay Lebow and colleagues reviewed research on couples therapy from the previous decade in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. According to the review, couples therapy has a positive effect for roughly 70% of couples who take part, and its effectiveness is comparable to individual therapy.
According to the review, integrative behavioural couple therapy and emotionally focused therapy showed particularly promising results. If you are not sure whether you need couples or individual help, read when to see a psychologist and what to expect, or the article on psychotherapy.
Where to find free counselling
Professional social counselling is provided by, among others, marriage and family counselling centres (Section 37 of the Social Services Act (zákon č. 108/2006 Sb., o sociálních službách)). Under Section 72 of the same Act, social counselling is free of charge, so you do not pay for consultations at the centre.
You can find a counselling centre by your town or region; private couples therapy is paid. If your partner has hurt you, joint therapy is not a suitable first step. Speaking openly in front of them may be dangerous, so first contact an intervention centre or the helplines listed below on your own.
When it is better not to go back
Getting back together makes no sense if you are the only one who wants it, if you keep breaking up for the same reason and nothing has changed, or if what mainly pushes you to go back is fear of being alone. We look at how to tell that a relationship has no future in the article 15 signs that a relationship is not worth it.
If you decide to turn down a reunion, you do not need to justify it at length. It is enough to say clearly and calmly that you do not want to get back together. The article 8 ways to end a relationship gently explains how.
If your partner has hurt you, it is safer to say no in a message or in the presence of another person. You can seek advice beforehand from a local crisis helpline or domestic abuse helpline (in Czechia: 116 006, Bílý kruh bezpečí, for all victims, or 116 016, ROSA, for women).
When there was violence or control
Humiliation, threats, checking your phone and money, cutting you off from friends, pressure into sex or physical violence are not ordinary relationship problems that a conversation will solve. You are never to blame for such behaviour by your partner, and promises that it will not happen again are not enough on their own.
We describe what subtler pressure looks like in the article on the most common types of manipulation in a relationship. Here is where to find help.
- If you are in danger, call the police on 158 or the emergency number 112.
- A local crisis helpline for victims of crime and violence (in Czechia: 116 006, Bílý kruh bezpečí, non-stop and free, for all victims).
- A local domestic abuse helpline (in Czechia: 116 016, ROSA, for women experiencing domestic violence, non-stop and free).
- The intervention centre in your region; under Section 72 of the Social Services Act (zákon o sociálních službách), its services are free of charge.
Ideally, call from a phone your partner cannot access. Keep messages, photos and records of the violence somewhere your partner cannot get to.
In many places, the police and courts can remove a violent person from a shared home or issue protection orders; ask your local police or a lawyer how this works where you live. (In Czechia, a police removal order lasts 14 days and cannot be shortened, even with your consent, under Section 44 of zákon č. 273/2008 Sb., o Policii České republiky; if you apply for an interim measure during this time, it is extended until the court decides.)
When you have children together
Children are a common reason for getting back together. Vennum and colleagues found that unmarried couples who broke up and reunited more often cited childcare as the reason they moved in together. However, children alone are not a good reason to go back if the relationship is not working.
You remain parents even without a relationship. According to the Ministry of Justice (Ministerstvo spravedlnosti), from 1 January 2026 the court no longer decides on sole, alternating or joint custody, but sets the extent of each parent’s care. The same rules apply to married and unmarried parents.
If the parents reach an agreement and it is in the child’s best interests, the court will approve it. For married couples with a minor child, the court decides on the divorce and the children in a single joint proceeding at the district court where the child lives, and it also takes domestic violence into account. If it affects your family, tell both your lawyer and the court. You do not have to agree to anything under pressure from a violent partner.
You can find more about divorce in the article divorce and settlement of marital community property (SJM). If you cannot afford a lawyer, start with free legal advice.
Final tips
- If you want to save your relationship after a break-up and get back together, remember to talk a lot about past hurts.
- Discuss what you have learnt since the break-up and respect your partner’s point of view.
- If you want to move forward, make space to reconnect and also clarify what you each imagine this time together will look like.
- When old problems come back, try couples therapy. If your partner has hurt you, do not go back, and seek help.
If you get back together with your ex-partner, be patient. Things are unlikely to pick up exactly where they left off, and the relationship needs some effort to thrive. However, you and your partner are a team, and you can both change the partnership for the better if you decide you want to keep it.
You may have heard it many times before, but even the strongest relationships face problems. Building a happy and healthy partnership takes work, which is not always easy, especially if trust has been broken.
Problems are part of life and of any relationship. The aim, however, is not to dwell on the past but to work on living a meaningful present together and building a shared future. And if you find that getting back together is not working, it is fine to leave.
