If you have found yourself a so-called mummy’s boy, be careful. Sometimes there is an unhealthy dependence of a mother on her son behind it. In his mother’s eyes, you will probably never be good enough for her darling boy. And if you do happen to get past his mum, you will have to get used to her constant presence. What are the signs of a mother’s unhealthy dependence on her son? And can the problem be solved?
Short answer. A mother’s unhealthy dependence on her son means that she cannot accept that her son is an adult with a life of his own. You can recognise it when she makes decisions for him, interferes in your relationship and he is unable to stand up to her. “Unhealthy dependence” is an everyday expression, not a technical term or an illness. It describes an unhealthy set-up of relationships within a family. It is mainly your partner who has to deal with it. You can help him by talking to him about specific situations and setting boundaries together, possibly with the help of a couples therapist.
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A mother’s dependence on her son
This phenomenon can take several different forms and show itself in different ways. Generally, it is a situation in which a mother cannot or refuses to accept that her son is a separate person with his own needs and life.
These women find it hard to accept that their sons should now be living their own lives, in which the mother should no longer play such a major role. Some of these women have no friends or hobbies. They spend all their free time thinking about how their dear boy is doing. They have devoted their lives to raising their sons to be better men than the ones who passed through their own lives.
How to recognise an unhealthy mother–son bond
A close relationship between a mother and her adult son is perfectly fine. You can only consider it unhealthy when the mother interferes in decisions that belong to him and to you, and he cannot or will not stop it. What deserves suspicion is mainly repeated situations, not one visit that went badly.
- His mother calls or texts several times a day and takes offence when her son does not reply straight away.
- On bigger decisions, such as housing, holidays or money, he consults her first and only then you.
- She turns up unannounced, has keys to your flat and comments on how you cook, clean or bring up your children.
- Her son tells her details about your relationship and she then uses them against you.
- When her son disagrees with her, she reacts with tears, reproaches or illness, and he immediately gives in.
- Whenever your wishes and plans clash with his mother’s, yours always come second for him.
If these situations keep happening, it is worth talking to your partner about them. Terms such as toxic or narcissistic mother are lay labels. Only a professional can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder. We describe similar behaviour in the article on how a manipulative mother can affect your life, where you will also find ways to protect yourself from the point of view of an adult child.
Consequences of a mother’s dependence on her son
A mother’s unhealthy dependence on her son has various consequences for both of them. The son is deprived of the chance to develop as a unique person and is constantly overburdened by his mother’s expectations and needs. He may feel trapped and struggle to build his own identity and independence.
It also seriously disrupts his love life. The sons of these mothers are adults and have often started families of their own, but they are emotionally, intellectually or otherwise dependent on their mothers. They often put their mothers’ needs before those of their partners.
The mother, on the other hand, may become emotionally dependent on her son and see him as the source of her own happiness and identity. She identifies strongly with her role as a mother and gets too involved in her son’s life, which limits his personal space and growth. Mothers who refuse to admit that their sons are adults with lives of their own can become rivals to their sons’ partners.
Several factors can contribute to this unhealthy dependence. For example, a lack of self-reflection on the mother’s part, a lack of interests of her own, or meeting her emotional needs through her son. Sometimes it is a mother for whom her son was for a long time the only person close to her.
Sons sometimes go on living with their parents long after they have become adults. It is not unusual for 35-year-old men to live with their mothers. Some mothers then continue to cook, wash and clean for them and do little to guide them towards independence.
Solving the problem
If the relationship between a mother and her son seems unhealthily dependent, a solution needs to be found. Therapeutic support and counselling can be very helpful. The mother usually works on building her own identity and independence, while the son learns to set boundaries and develop his own individuality. The process of change is very difficult, but with enough support and effort, a healthier and more balanced relationship between mother and son is possible.
It is mainly your partner who has to start the change. You cannot force him into therapy or into changing, but you can tell him what bothers you and support him when he decides to talk to his mother. We explain how in the following sections of this article.
Tip: Read also the article: Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder
How to talk to your partner about it
Talking to your partner about his mother is a sensitive matter, because he can easily hear criticism of his mother as an attack on himself. Choose a calm moment, not an evening after a visit when you are both on edge. Talk about specific situations and how you felt in them, not about what his mother is like.
Keep labels such as mummy’s boy and words such as unhealthy dependence to yourself. Instead, describe what happened and say what you need. Sentences like these can help.
- ‘When your mum found out about the holiday before I did, I felt pushed aside. Next time, I’d like us to decide things like that together first.’
- ‘I don’t want you to stop talking to your mum. I just need her not to know about our arguments.’
- ‘Can we agree that she’ll let us know before she comes round? Could you tell her? It’ll sound better coming from you.’
Be prepared for the fact that change will not come after the first conversation. What matters is that your partner sees that you do not want to push his mother out of his life, but want to have your own place in it. You will find general principles of calm discussion in the article why communication between partners matters.
How to set boundaries with your mother-in-law
Psychologist Terri Apter of the University of Cambridge studied relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law in qualitative research based on interviews with families, and summarised the results in her 2009 book What Do You Want from Me? In her research, around 60% of daughters-in-law described their relationship with their mother-in-law using words such as strained, exhausting or awful, compared with 15% for the relationship between mothers-in-law and sons-in-law.
Apter explains this by saying that both women want to have the main say in their family and each feels threatened by the other. According to her, sons also fail to reassure their mother that she will still have a place in their lives, or to tell her plainly that new boundaries are needed. This is exactly where your partner can do the most.
So set boundaries mainly together with your partner, and let him be the one to communicate them to his mother. Start with practical matters, such as visits only after letting you know, keys to the flat, money and bringing up children. You do not have to explain every decision to your mother-in-law. It is enough to say calmly and repeatedly how things work in your home. The article learn to say no and set your own boundaries will help you refuse without feeling guilty.
The importance of relationships with your partner’s family is also shown by a long-term study by sociologist Terri Orbuch of the University of Michigan, which followed married couples for 26 years. When the husband had a close relationship with his wife’s parents, the risk of divorce was 20% lower. When the wife had a close relationship with her husband’s parents, it was 20% higher. Orbuch suggests that women are more likely to see their in-laws’ involvement as interference in their role as wife and mother and find it hard to maintain boundaries with them.
How the son sees it
Your partner loves his mother and often feels obliged not to let her down, especially if she was on her own for a long time or is emotionally dependent on him. He may take every complaint you make as a demand that he choose between the two of you.
It helps to show him that you do not want him to choose. You simply want your shared home to be separate from his parents’ home. Family therapist Salvador Minuchin, the founder of structural family therapy, described in his 1974 book Families and Family Therapy that a well-functioning family needs clear but permeable boundaries between parents and children. In our view, for an adult son this means he can have a close relationship with his mother while still making decisions on his own and with his partner.
His mother often finds this hard, because she is losing a role that gave her life meaning for a long time. If you want to understand her point of view, read the article what is empty nest syndrome.
When to seek couples therapy
Consider couples therapy when you cannot talk about his mother without arguing, when the same dispute has been going on for months and when you are starting to think about breaking up. A therapist does not take sides. They help you both put into words what you need and agree on boundaries your partner can manage to keep.
If your partner refuses to go to therapy, you can start on your own. Individual therapy will help you get clear on what you are willing to put up with and where your limit lies. Under the Social Services Act (zákon o sociálních službách), counselling is free of charge at marriage and family counselling centres registered as a social service. You can find a list of them in the Register of Social Service Providers (Registr poskytovatelů sociálních služeb) run by the Ministry of Labour and Social Affairs (MPSV). Private therapists charge per session, and their prices vary. Counselling centres often have waiting times, while private practice is usually available sooner, but you pay for it yourself. We describe what to expect at a psychologist’s in the article when to see a psychologist. If nothing changes even after a long effort, the article how to save a relationship and when it is no longer worth it will help you decide.
What emotional incest and enmeshment mean
In articles about the mother-son relationship, you will come across the English term enmeshment, which is translated into Czech as propletenost or splynutí. Salvador Minuchin used it for families in which the boundaries between members become blurred, everyone has a say in everything and the individual has little room for independence.
The term emotional incest does not refer to sexual abuse. It was popularised by the American therapist Patricia Love in her book The Emotional Incest Syndrome, and it describes a situation in which a parent turns a child into a substitute partner and relies on them for emotional needs that should be met by an adult. As Psych Central magazine points out, it is not a diagnosis listed in the American diagnostic manual DSM-5-TR.
Both terms therefore describe a pattern of behaviour in the family, not an illness. So do not label your partner’s mother with emotional incest, as it will not solve anything in an argument. Only a professional who knows the family can judge whether the bond is this deep.
The Oedipus complex
The Oedipus complex is a term used in psychoanalysis. It refers to a son’s attachment to his mother, combined with an aggressive attitude towards his father. The issue was named and developed by the psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud.
The Oedipus complex is named after the Greek myth of Oedipus, who unknowingly killed his father and married his mother. Freud used this myth as a metaphor for a child’s psychosexual development.
According to Freud, the Oedipus complex usually appears during a phase that occurs at around 3 to 6 years of age. During this phase, the child begins to show sexual interest in and attraction to the parent of the opposite sex. The child sees the parent of the same sex as a rival and feels jealousy or hostility towards them.
Freud argued that this process is a natural part of psychosexual development and that the child gradually overcomes the Oedipus complex by identifying with the parent of the same sex. In this way, the child adopts a socially acceptable role and gender identity.
Not all children experience the Oedipus complex in the same way, and its intensity can vary. In addition, the anthropologist Bronisław Malinowski, based on his research in the Trobriand Islands, objected that the concept of the Oedipus complex does not apply in all cultures and is influenced by how the family is structured.
The Oedipus complex remains one of the key concepts of psychoanalysis, and its importance lies in understanding sexual development and the relationships between parents and children. However, modern psychology focuses on a wider range of factors that influence the development of personality and family relationships, and approaches them from different perspectives.
Tip: Also read the article: Daddy issues: Meaning, signs and what to do about it?
