People have different views on the rules of social behaviour and etiquette. Some find them old-fashioned and needlessly stiff, while others feel they exist to help us find our way in more difficult social situations. The fact is that good manners can help you charm someone, persuade a woman to go on a second date with you, or win over your boss so that they offer you the job you have been hoping for.
Whatever your inner motivation, if you learn to follow the rules of good manners, you will never offend anyone and people will feel comfortable around you. So let’s look at what they are based on and how you can easily remember them and put them into practice.
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What are the rules of good manners based on?
The basis of all the rules is simple: in society, we are not equal. At first glance this may seem unappealing at a time when we are trying to promote equality, but the reality is that there are differences between us. Older people have more experience and deserve more respect. Superiors carry more responsibility on their shoulders. And women have higher social standing than men.
These three relationships are the foundation of all the rules of good manners. Older people take precedence over younger people, superiors over subordinates and women over men. Sometimes an older man and a younger woman may arrive together, or it may not be clear whose position is more important. In that case, use your judgement: if the man is considerably older, treat him as having higher social standing, whereas if they are closer in age, the woman takes precedence.
Rules of social behaviour when meeting people
Once the basic social relationships are clear, how do they apply at a first meeting?
- Greeting
The person of lower social standing always greets the person of higher standing first. If you are going on a date, the man greets the woman first. At a job interview, the person applying for the job greets first.
Regardless of social standing, the person entering a room where people are already present always greets first.
- Shaking hands
With shaking hands, it is exactly the opposite of greeting. The person of higher social standing can decide whether or not they want to offer their hand to the other person.
This means that if you were to shake hands on a date, the woman would offer her hand first, and at a job interview, the person conducting the interview offers their hand.
- Introductions
If you have the honour of introducing someone, remember that the person of higher social standing should know first who they are dealing with. That is why you introduce the person of lower social standing first. Think of a royal reception: the herald always announces the names of the less important guests to the king.
So if you are out with friends and meet your parents, you introduce your friends first and then your parents. Likewise, if you are out with friends and meet your boss, you introduce your friends first. But if you are out with your mum and meet your boss, introduce him first and only then your mum (unless your mum is exceptionally young and your boss exceptionally advanced in years).
- Offering to use first names
Once again, the person of higher social standing is the one who offers to switch to first names (the informal “you”), because they need room to decide whether they want to. Under the rules of etiquette, this means that a woman offers it to a man, a superior to a subordinate, and an older person to a younger one.
After that, just make sure you remember who you are on first-name terms with and who you are not.
Where to walk
Even when walking, consider who has higher social standing and whose safety needs more attention.
- Walking on the pavement
In an ordinary situation, when two people walk together, the person of higher social standing should walk on the right.
So when a couple walks together, the man should have the woman on his right. However, this only applies if the path is safe and free of obstacles. If cars are driving on the right-hand side, the man will of course walk there so that he can protect the lady. In the same way, do not let the lady walk under scaffolding, where something could fall on her, or in places where the ground is uneven.
- Walking on stairs
On stairs, the person of lower social standing must again look after the safety of the person of higher standing. This leads to a simple rule: the man, the younger person or the subordinate always walks lower down on the stairs. Even so, he must not look up the lady’s skirt.
This rule is a little like the old saying “it won’t fly upwards, we’ll find it at the bottom”, with the difference that the man walks lower down so that the lady cannot even start to fall without him being able to catch her immediately.
How to behave in a restaurant
In a restaurant, the basics of good manners rest on the same principles. The person of lower social standing is at the service of the person of higher standing.
So what would the ideal date look like according to the rules of etiquette for men?
- The man helps the woman to sit down and tops up the wine
When arriving at the restaurant, the man can help the woman take off her coat and then help her to sit down, especially if the chairs are large or heavy. This manoeuvre does take a little practice, though, because you do not want to hit the lady’s knees with the chair. If you order wine, the man must make sure the woman’s glass is always full.
- The man chooses a similar dish to the woman and places the order
Before ordering, there should be a conversation about who is having what, and the man should adjust his choice to what the lady has chosen. It should not happen that the lady orders only a healthy cheesecake and then has to watch her companion wolf down a starter and a main course. Once they have decided, the man should order from the waiter for both of them.
- The woman starts eating first
Once the food arrives, the woman should start eating first. A date where the man starts stuffing himself and has eaten half his portion before the woman has even picked up her fork cannot end well.
How to behave politely when visiting someone
When you visit someone, the most important person is the hostess, regardless of age or position.
- Do not turn up unannounced
Never visit anyone without letting them know in advance. You would not like it either if someone suddenly turned up at your door. The host needs enough time and space to prepare for their guests.
- Arrive 10 minutes late
Once you have arranged a visit, arrive a few minutes late. Who hasn’t spent the last few minutes rushing around at home, tidying up the last few things and preparing refreshments? Do not stress your host by arriving earlier than agreed. Instead, give them a few extra minutes in case they need them.
- You need to bring something
You cannot arrive empty-handed. Bring a bottle of wine or flowers for the hostess. If someone visits you and brings a bottle of alcohol, it is your duty to open it, unless you have something of the same or higher quality.
- The hostess starts the meal, the guest ends the visit
If it is a more formal visit that includes a meal, then according to the rules of table etiquette, the hostess always starts the meal. At that moment she is the person with the highest social standing, so it is up to her to start eating first.
Ending the evening and going home is up to the guest. You need to judge when the best time to leave is. You definitely must not wait until your hosts start yawning, let alone stay so long that you have to be asked to go home.
What to wear
You must always match your clothing to the occasion. It is your responsibility to find out about the style of the event so that you are neither underdressed nor overdressed compared with everyone else.
- Dress according to the invitation
If it is an event with invitations that state a dress code, you absolutely must follow it. Turning up in jeans to an event marked black tie is completely unacceptable. Women must match their outfit to the men’s dress code. So if the invitation says black tie for men, a woman should wear a long evening gown.
- Clean shoes
It goes without saying that your clothes should be clean and ironed. Give your shoes the same care. No dinner jacket will help you make a good impression if your shoes look as though you have just crossed a muddy field. And you cannot go on a date in dirty shoes either.
- Go easy on the perfume
Wearing perfume is a matter of course these days, but you also need to make sure you do not use too much. If people can smell your cologne from the other end of the tram, you have done something wrong.
New rules for a new age
All of the rules of good manners mentioned here have applied for centuries. A social etiquette guide was already written at the beginning of the 20th century. Some social situations have changed, however, and it makes sense to add a few new rules to the traditional ones.
- Put your mobile phones away
When you meet someone, and this time it does not matter whether they have lower or higher social standing, put your phone away. Turn off the ringer and do not put it on the table. Very little is so urgent that you really need to reply immediately.
If you do not have your phone in your hand all the time, you have a chance to have meaningful conversations with people.
- Do not share important things by text message
Do you want to break up with a woman you won over with your good manners, or leave a job you got because your boss liked the way you behaved? Don’t do it by text message or email. Some things should still be said in person, even today.
- Don’t share things on social media
Don’t tell each other personal things on social media, where everyone can see the message. This is especially true if it is something personal or negative. Whatever you are writing, check several times who will receive your message. For example, see whether the email has other recipients in copy.
- Don’t write what you wouldn’t say in person
The basic rule of good manners online is: “If you wouldn’t say something in person, don’t write it either.” It is easy to be full of courage in front of a computer screen. But there are people on the other side. If you wouldn’t say it to their face, it shouldn’t be written either.
💡 Tip: If you enjoyed this article, you can also read about how to fold a pocket square or the best icebreaker games.
Rules of good manners around the world
What is considered polite in one culture can cause a stir elsewhere in the world, cause outright offence, or at the very least seem odd. First, a serious point: how can you avoid this? A simple trick you can use when you find yourself in a foreign culture and are not sure what to do is to look around and try to copy others. The second trick is to start a conversation on the subject. It is a good way to fill time with new friends, you will certainly have fun, and you will also find out exactly what you need to know.
And now, on a lighter note, what rules of good manners around the world might seem strange or amusing to you?
- Afghanistan: Bread that falls on the floor is picked up and kissed first.
- Chile: Chileans always use cutlery. Touching any part of the food with your hands is inappropriate.
- China: In China, the host knows you enjoyed the meal if you leave a mess around the table. Leaving just a little food on your plate shows that you are full and have eaten well, but it must not be rice. Burping is another way to compliment the host on the meal and is not considered rude.
- Egypt: If a glass is less than half full, it needs topping up, but you should wait for someone else to top up your glass, and you top up your neighbour’s glass when needed. If your neighbour forgets to top up your glass, you can let them know it needs refilling by topping up theirs. However, it is never acceptable to top up your own glass.
- Ethiopia: Ethiopians consider it wasteful to eat with cutlery or from more than one plate per group. Diners therefore share and always eat with their right hand. In some parts of Ethiopia, a tradition called “gursha” is practised, in which people feed each other.
- France: The French never eat bread as a starter. Instead, it is eaten with the meal and used like cutlery to move food from the plate to the mouth. Bread is even placed directly on the table, just as a knife or fork would be.
- Japan: Slurping, usually when eating noodles or soup, is a sign of appreciation for the chef. In Japan, the louder you are, the more you are enjoying your food.
- Mexico: Eat tacos only with your hands. Using a knife and fork to eat a taco is considered silly and snobbish. It is polite to eat it with your hands.
- Middle East: In Middle Eastern countries, as well as in India and parts of Africa, it is common to eat with your hand, but make sure it is the right one, because the left hand is considered dirty and meant for cleaning.
- Russia: Offering someone a drink is a sign of trust and friendship, so you should always accept. Vodka is also always drunk neat. Adding any other drink, juice or soda, or even ice, is considered to spoil the purity of the vodka. The only exception is beer, which mixed with vodka makes a drink called “yorsh”.
