Emotional dependence on a partner, 7 signs and the path to independence

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Emotional dependence on a partner is a limiting pattern of behaviour that many people live with. Once you recognise it, you have taken the first step towards breaking free. Dependence on a partner limits not only you but also your partner, who will feel it sooner or later. So why should you break free of it?

The short answer. Emotional dependence on a partner takes away your freedom, your self-confidence and the joy of the relationship, and it often weighs on your partner more than it seems. It is neither a diagnosis nor your fault, but a learned pattern that you can work on. It helps to bring your own interests, friends, money and decisions back into your life, and if you cannot manage it alone, to turn to a psychologist or a registered counselling centre, where counselling is free.

The situation is different when your partner deliberately keeps you dependent on him, for example by taking your money, checking your phone or cutting you off from your friends. Then it is not about your weakness but about control. If you are afraid of him, call a local crisis helpline for victims (in the Czech Republic: White Circle of Safety (Bílý kruh bezpečí) 116 006) or a local domestic abuse helpline (in the Czech Republic: ROSA 116 016, for women), ideally from a phone your partner cannot access. In immediate danger, call your local emergency number (112 in Europe, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 in the UK).

What emotional dependence on a partner is

Emotional dependence usually means a state in which your mood, self-worth and everyday decisions revolve mainly around your partner. When he is close and replies, you feel good. When he goes quiet or is away, anxiety sets in, along with a fear of abandonment and an urge to contact him straight away.

The pattern can work in both directions. Some people need their partner to solve their problems and make decisions for them. Others look after their partner at their own expense, and this is what is called codependency.

“Dependence on a partner”, “emotional dependence” and “codependency” are not diagnoses. According to the American organisation Mental Health America, the term codependency arose from many years of research into relationships in families of alcoholics. Codependency is not a separate diagnosis in the DSM-5 or the ICD, although some organisations use the word diagnosis more loosely.

The words serve more as a description of a pattern of behaviour, not as a label for you or your partner. This needs to be distinguished from dependent personality disorder. Whether that might be the case can only be assessed by a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist after an examination, not by an article, an online test or your partner.

The independence and freedom that you and your partner give each other are liberating.

Your partner often senses your dependence, and it may start to bother him. It usually shows in the way you “cling” to your partner, both when you are together and when you are not.

A dependent person often demands constant contact by phone, sending frequent questions about where, what and who with, emojis, GIFs and so on. Frequent phone contact also lowers the quality of the time you spend together.

Dependence on a partner is often linked to low self-confidence. You need someone to love you, you cannot cope with everything alone, you cannot do this or that, your partner is sure to meet someone better… Thoughts like these often run through a dependent person’s head. The relationship then suffers, because dependence limits both of you.

A dependent person often expects their partner to solve all their problems for them or with them.

All of this has a negative effect on the relationship. If a person breaks free of dependence, the relationship tends to be more balanced. An independent person who is free and respects the other person’s freedom tends to be more attractive.

If dependence lasts a long time, it can wear out the relationship. Sooner or later, your partner may lose patience and leave. But dependence can be worked on, as the steps below show.

How to recognise emotional dependence

The line between love and dependence is not sharp, and many signs are, in a mild form, part of ordinary infatuation. It is a warning sign when they keep recurring for a long time, rob you of your peace of mind and make the relationship hurt more than it brings joy. These are the signs most often described.

• Anxiety when your partner does not get in touch. You check your phone every few minutes and imagine the worst scenarios.
• You find it hard to be alone. An evening without your partner feels more like waiting than free time.
• You cancel plans with others. You contact your friends and family less and less so as not to miss a moment with him.
• You feel responsible for his mood. You feel you have to solve his problems and make sure he is happy.
• Guilt when you do something for yourself. Time for a hobby or rest feels selfish.
• You leave decisions to him. Without his approval, you do not dare to choose even small things.
• Fear of abandonment. You are afraid he will leave, so you give in even where you do not want to.

Treat these signs as guiding questions for yourself, not as a test or a diagnosis. Most of the points match the signs listed by the American Cleveland Clinic in its article on codependent relationships. “There’s an excessive sense of responsibility for the other person’s behaviour and emotions,” says Cleveland Clinic clinical psychologist Coda Derrig, PhD. Derrig considers excessive guilt about anything a person does for themselves to be another main sign.

According to Derrig, the people around you usually see it quite clearly. If those close to you keep telling you that they have lost you, it is worth listening to them. If you watch your partner mainly because you are jealous, read how to stop being jealous.

Also notice how your partner reacts to your boundaries. Cleveland Clinic considers it a clear signal that your partner’s needs take priority over yours when his behaviour gets worse in response to your boundaries. Then it is not only about your dependence, and you should also read the section on a partner who is hurting you.

Where emotional dependence comes from

Attachment theory offers one answer. It originally described how young children become attached to the people who care for them. In 1987, psychologists Hazan and Shaver were among the first to apply these ideas to adult romantic relationships.

Mental Health America also mentions the influence of the family. According to the organisation, codependent behaviour is learned by seeing it in other family members and imitating it. But this is not something to blame yourself for either, just an explanation of where the pattern may have come from.

What Hazan and Shaver found

They gave people a short questionnaire with three descriptions and asked them to choose the one that best captured how they feel and behave in relationships. According to an overview by psychologist R. Chris Fraley of the University of Illinois, about 60% of the participants, newspaper readers who completed the questionnaire, classified themselves as securely attached, about 20% as avoidant and about 20% as anxious-ambivalent.

The description of the anxious style resembles what people experience in emotional dependence. “I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me.” Fraley adds that such people worry that others do not completely love them and are easily frustrated or angered when their need for closeness goes unmet.

Attachment is not destiny

This does not mean you have a flaw or a diagnosis. According to Fraley, most researchers see attachment styles as something that varies in degree, not in kind. So you can be more or less anxious, and this can change over the course of your life.

Fraley also writes that an attachment pattern can change when your experiences in relationships do not match what you expect. A safe relationship, close friends and therapy can all help. A similar pattern, in which closeness alternates with distance and uncertainty, is described in the article what an ambivalent relationship is.

Healthy closeness or dependence

Depending on your partner to some extent is normal. Hazan and Shaver’s description of the secure attachment style includes the sentence “I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me.” So the problem is not that you need your partner, but how much and at what cost.

According to Fraley, securely attached adults are more likely than others to seek support from their partner when they feel bad. He says their relationships last longer and are marked by greater trust, commitment and interdependence. Closeness and independence are therefore not mutually exclusive. The difference shows more in the details.

• In a healthy relationship, you look forward to seeing your partner. In a dependent one, you mainly wait for him.
• In a healthy relationship, you have your own friends and interests. In a dependent one, you gradually give them up for him.
• In a healthy relationship, you say no and the relationship can take it. In a dependent one, you are afraid he will leave you for saying no.
• In a healthy relationship, you make decisions together and each on your own. In a dependent one, you leave decisions to him, or you make them for him instead.
• In a healthy relationship, money is agreed on and you have access to it. In a dependent one, you do not know about it or have to ask for it.

If you recognise yourself more in the second sentences and the relationship has long taken more than it gives, an outside view will help. When deciding whether the relationship has a future, the overview 15 signs that a relationship is not worth it may be useful.

So how do you break free of dependence?

That is more complicated. First, it is important to realise, as mentioned above, that dependence limits you. You limit your own freedom and time, because you keep thinking about what your partner is doing, what he wants, that you need him, what if he leaves and so on. It will take a lot of practice in patience. Put your phone down and leave your partner in peace wherever he is.

Realise that dependence threatens your relationship.

You certainly don’t want to put your relationship at risk and lose the person you love. Your main motivation can be your own peace of mind, not just the relationship. Try to imagine a situation where your partner depends on you, rather than you on them.

Put yourself in a situation where your partner restricts you and needs you to sort out all their problems all the time. It’s unpleasant, isn’t it? Yes, we are here for each other and we deal with problems in a relationship together. But there are matters that everyone has to resolve within themselves, whether it’s problems at work, certain decisions or a person’s inner mindset.

Realise how an independent, self-reliant person comes across.

They are often more interesting and attractive to others. Confident and self-sufficient men and women tend to be attractive, come across as independent and are not easily thrown off balance.

Trust your partner and give them space, and trust usually grows on both sides. When you give them freedom, the relationship can become more relaxed and enjoyable. You will find out what you can do when you don’t depend on anyone, and this will give you strength and self-confidence. You will see that you can handle lots of things on your own, even without your partner, and you will become stronger and more confident.

How to regain your independence

Independence doesn’t come back with a single decision, but through small steps that you repeat. You don’t have to end the relationship or push your partner away. The aim is to have a life of your own that holds you steady even when your partner isn’t around.

“I think a codependent relationship can become healthier if both sides are willing to work on it,” says Derrig. That’s why it helps to talk about the changes with your partner rather than making them in secret. The following steps apply to relationships without fear or violence. If you are afraid of your partner, read the section on a partner who hurts you first.

Your own interests and time alone

Choose one activity that belongs only to you and give it a fixed place in your week. It could be sport, a course, volunteering or anything you used to do and gave up because of the relationship. If you don’t know where to start, you’ll find inspiration in the article how to find a hobby as an adult.

Also practise being alone for a while without doing anything about it. Start, for example, with an hour without your phone, a walk or an evening just for yourself. The anxiety that may appear at first doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.

Friends and family

Get in touch with people you stopped seeing because of the relationship. A short message suggesting a coffee is enough, and you don’t have to explain anything. Arrange a regular meeting with someone, for example once every two weeks, and don’t cancel it because of your partner.

If old contacts can’t be revived, you can start afresh. You’ll find tips in the article how to make new friends. The more people you have around you, the less your whole wellbeing rests on one person.

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Money

Independence also has a practical side. Knowing how much your household earns, how much it spends and where the contracts are is essential, even if your partner usually manages the finances. A joint family budget that you both agree on can help.

If you have no income or account of your own, deal with it before you need it. We describe specific steps in the section on emotional and financial dependence below.

Decision-making

Start with small decisions that you make on your own without asking first. What you’ll have to eat, where you’ll go at the weekend, which course you’ll choose. Each decision like this reminds you that you can manage.

If you’re afraid to say no to your partner, practise first in situations where not much is at stake. The article on how to learn to say no and set your own boundaries can help, and for bigger choices, five tips for making the right decision.

Emotional dependence and financial dependence

Emotional and financial dependence often reinforce each other. People without money of their own often find it hard to leave even a relationship in which they are unhappy. And people who fear their partner will leave are more likely to give up their income or their overview of the finances. That’s why it’s worth keeping an eye on both.

Shared finances are not a problem in themselves. It’s a warning sign when only one person decides about money, and the other has to ask for it or isn’t allowed to work. The UK’s National Health Service (NHS) lists among the signs of domestic abuse a partner controlling your money, not giving you enough for food and other essentials, or stopping you from going to school or work.

If your partner controls you, seek advice first from a local domestic abuse helpline (in the Czech Republic: 116 006 or 116 016) before you open your own account or take your documents. Otherwise, the following steps will help you with money.

• Your own account in your name. Even if you have a joint account, have one of your own that only you can access. Bear in mind that statements sent by post, messages and notifications from the bank may give the account away.
• Your own income. If you don’t work, for example because you’re looking after children, think about how you’ll return to work or find a side income.
• Savings buffer. Put aside even a small amount regularly. We describe separately how to gradually build up a financial cushion.
• An overview of your shared money. Know what joint loans, contracts and insurance you have and where the important documents are kept.
• Keep your documents with you. Keep your identity card, passport and payment cards with you, not with your partner.

If your partner takes your money or documents and mustn’t find out about your own account, it’s no longer about dividing roles in the household, but about control. Proceed carefully. We describe how to do so safely in the next section.

That’s why you should break free from dependence on your partner.

The question is whether this can be done at all in an established relationship. We believe it can, if you want the change and the relationship is safe. Sometimes, however, a relationship ruled by dependence falls apart, and a person only learns to rely on themselves during a time alone. They live alone for a while and have no choice but to lean only on themselves. They then enter their next relationship as an independent, self-reliant person.

Dependence is unhealthy and breaking free from it takes time. It helps to watch out for it from the start of a relationship and to remember that every person is an independent, free being whose space no one has the right to restrict. A relationship is easier to build, and turns out better, when both partners respect each other’s freedom.

Dependence on a partner who hurts you

Sometimes emotional dependence doesn’t arise only in the mind of the dependent person. A partner can deliberately reinforce it, for example by cutting you off from friends, taking your money, checking your phone, humiliating you or alternating warmth with punishment. In that case, advice on independence is not enough, and the situation is not your fault.

According to the NHS, domestic abuse is always about power and control over you. Its signs also include a partner isolating you from family and friends or telling you what to wear, who to see and where to go.

If the relationship is dangerous or abusive, physically or verbally, Cleveland Clinic advises seeking help straight away and finding a way to end the relationship. However, plan your departure with a helpline or an intervention centre, not alone and not in a hurry.

Call a local crisis helpline for victims of crime and domestic violence (in the Czech Republic: White Circle of Safety (Bílý kruh bezpečí) 116 006) or a local domestic abuse helpline (in the Czech Republic: ROSA 116 016, for women experiencing domestic violence). In the Czech Republic, both lines are open non-stop and free of charge.

Ideally, call from a phone your partner has no access to. If they check your phone, think about your call and browser history too, or call from a friend’s phone or from work. If you are in immediate danger, call 158 or 112.

Couples therapy is not a suitable first step in this situation, as your partner may use your openness against you. It’s safer to start with a local domestic abuse helpline or support service (in the Czech Republic: the 116 006 helpline or an intervention centre). The helpline will advise you where to turn next. We describe separately how to recognise the most common types of manipulation in a relationship.

When to seek professional help

It’s worth seeking professional help when fear of abandonment controls you for most of the day, you can’t be alone, you’ve lost friends because of the relationship or the steps above aren’t working. It’s not a failure. Mental Health America lists education, experiential groups, and individual and group therapy among the ways out of codependency.

A psychologist or psychotherapy can help, where you can also work on where the pattern comes from. You’ll find out what such a visit involves in the article when to see a psychologist and what to expect.

Help doesn’t have to cost money. Registered marriage and family counselling centres provide specialist social counselling under Section 37(3) of Act No. 108/2006 Coll., the Social Services Act (zákon o sociálních službách), and under Section 72(a) of the same Act, social counselling is free of charge. You can find a counselling centre by your town or region and attend on your own or with your partner.

If your partner controls you or you’re afraid of them, start with a local domestic abuse helpline or support service instead (in the Czech Republic: 116 006, 116 016 or an intervention centre), not with joint therapy. They will advise you how to proceed safely.