Are you or your other half an introvert? If so, you may know that extroverts express and live out their love in a slightly different way from introverts. But does this also mean that introverts experience being in love more intensely?
Extroverts can sometimes struggle to accept an introvert’s need for solitude, and in some cases they even take it personally. Sometimes they cannot understand how an introvert shows their love. So if these two opposites are in a relationship together, it is important to talk through their needs and learn to recognise their partner’s signs of affection. What can these look like in an introvert?
The short answer. An introvert in love shows it through actions rather than words. They spend time with you that they would otherwise keep for themselves, confide in you, remember small details and, for your sake, even go to events that drain them. There is no evidence that they feel love more strongly than an extrovert. They show it more quietly and slowly, which is why it is easy to miss.
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What an introvert is and what introversion is not
Introversion is not a disorder or a flaw, but a common personality trait. Psychology describes it in the five-factor model of personality (the Big Five) as a low level of extraversion, one of the five basic traits alongside agreeableness, conscientiousness, neuroticism and openness to experience. Psychologist Darrielle Allen of the US Cleveland Clinic compares introversion and extraversion to two ends of a scale, with plenty of room in between.
American author Susan Cain, who published Quiet, a book about the power of introverts, in 2012, explained in an interview with Scientific American magazine that introverts prefer calm environments with less stimulation, whereas extroverts need more stimulation to feel good. According to the research she cites, between a third and a half of people are introverts.
Introversion is also not the same as shyness. Cain explains that shyness is a fear of negative judgement, whereas introversion is simply a preference for less stimulation. Allen adds that it is mainly about managing energy, which is why an introvert needs to recharge alone after socialising. You can find more about how introversion shows itself and which myths about introverts are untrue in a separate article. And if you are an introvert yourself, take a look at our introvert’s guide too.
An introvert needs time
An introvert longs for a meaningful connection and puts a lot into a relationship, just less visibly. An extrovert shows love clearly and loudly, whereas an introvert tends to use subtle steps and gestures that an extrovert can easily miss. The extrovert may then feel that the introvert does not love them.
Introverts are very selective about the people they spend their time with. They give it only to those who truly sweep them off their feet. Once they let someone into their inner world, they do so with great care, consideration and enormous trust.
People who are introverts find it a little harder to meet others, because they do not like drawing attention to themselves and need plenty of time before they start trusting people and opening up. But in the right circumstances, finding love and connecting with someone becomes the most rewarding experience for an introvert’s partner.
How to tell if an introvert likes you
An introvert rarely announces their interest out loud. How they spend their time and attention on you says more. Look out in particular for these signs.
- They look for chances to be with you alone or in a small group, not in a crowd.
- They remember what you told them and bring it up again later on their own.
- They message you on their own initiative, even though they usually take their time replying.
- They talk more and more openly with you than with other people.
- They take you to places they love and show you their hobbies.
One sign on its own proves nothing; what matters is how many of them add up. If you are not sure, non-verbal communication can also help, which we cover in the article how to tell from body language that someone likes you. An introvert also often needs more time before making the first move, so a longer silence after a first date does not necessarily mean a lack of interest.
How does an introvert show love?
If you succeed in breaking through an introvert’s thick shell, you will win their trust, friendship and, above all, their whole heart and love. If you are an extrovert, it may not occur to you that certain things an introvert does are actually signs of their affection for you. So how might they show it?
They willingly join in your extrovert activities
An introvert loves peace and quiet, a small circle of close people, and their established routines and rituals. So believe that if they agree to take part in your extrovert ideas with you, they are giving it their all, and it is a real sign of love.
An introvert really does not need to be around people often, especially when there are lots of strangers. When they go with you to a big festival or a party, for example, they often do it mainly for you. They want to make you happy and not to let you down. The same applies to various other extrovert activities, which are often a big step outside the introvert’s comfort zone.
They act like an extrovert with you
An introvert may do this to impress you and keep your affection. You may have noticed that the introvert tries to talk to you, for example telling you jokes they have been saving up for years, or laughing really loudly at yours.
When an introvert feels comfortable in their surroundings, they can show their emotions outwardly to some extent. Otherwise, they keep them flowing firmly hidden inside.
Tip: If you have been through the unpleasant event called “a break-up”, this article with tips on coping with it better may help you.
They tell you what is going on in their life
Because an introvert confides personal matters only to a small circle of people, sharing what is happening in their life with you is a real sign of love. It is a clear sign that you are special in some way, as they are letting you see beneath their skin.
By sharing their joys and sorrows, an introvert makes you a valued part of their daily routine. Remember that extroverts can talk about many topics with anyone, whereas introverts certainly cannot.
They come to you with their problems for help
Many introverts deal with problems on their own first, because they do not want to burden others. So if they ask you for help or make you their personal confidant for their life story, it is their way of telling you that they value you and love you. Above all, they trust you completely.
Trust is a key quality in every relationship and an introvert builds it with only a few people. When they confide their troubles in you, you mean more to them than you might think.
They answer your calls and try to call you
Many introverts prefer messages to phone calls, as writing feels more comfortable to them. So it takes a lot of mental preparation for them to answer every time you call, or even to call you themselves.
An introvert who is open to any kind of communication is showing their love and trust. It is not that they never talk to anyone else, answer their calls or call them, but if they do it with you often, you mean a lot to them.
They become more romantic over time
Every relationship has its ups and downs. You cannot expect everything to stay the same as at the beginning, when your heart raced at the mere thought of your other half.
However, love with an introvert does not simply fade over time. On the contrary, an introvert opens up more over time and their affection tends to become clearer. This is because they believe in gradual, deep intimacy that has to be built.
Fiercely loyal to the people close to them
An introvert will have your back. When it comes to protecting someone they love, they will not shy away from conflict. They do not try to please everyone; they give their energy mainly to the people close to them.
They show you their vulnerable side
An introvert can come across to others as neutral or even cold, and if they reveal another side of themselves to you, they show how emotional and loving they can be outside their calm zone. Do not worry, it really will happen, it just takes a long time to build.
Remembering dates, times and the things you like is one of the clearest ways they show that they care about you. It may seem small or unimportant to you, but to them it means a lot. The best thing you can do is notice it and show your appreciation.
Introverts are often said to be too wrapped up in their inner world. This is why it can take them longer to make connections with others, including potential partners. They enjoy their active minds and thinking abilities and probably would not trade them for anything in the world, but this can hold them back from starting conversations with romantic prospects.
How to communicate with an introvert
An introvert needs time to answer. When you ask them something important, do not expect a ready answer straight away, and do not take their hesitation as a lack of interest. According to psychologist Allen, introverts listen more than they talk and share their opinion once they have thought things through.
Choose a calm moment when you are alone together for serious conversations, not the evening after a demanding day or the middle of a party. When they need some time alone, do not take it personally. Agree in advance how they will let you know, for example with a single sentence saying they need a rest.
They often prefer texting to a phone call because it gives them time to think about their reply. The most important matters, however, deserve a face-to-face conversation. We explain why this matters in our article why communication between partners is important.
An introvert after an argument
After an argument, an introvert often withdraws. This is usually more about needing to sort out their thoughts in peace than about giving you the silent treatment. Give them time before talking about the disagreement again, and do not push them to resolve it straight away. Pressure can make them close up even more.
Agree on how long a break is acceptable for both of you, for example until the evening or the next day, and who will get in touch first. A healthy break ends with a conversation. If the silence lasts for days and is meant to make you back down, that is a different problem from introversion. You can find out how to resolve disagreements so that a couple comes out stronger in our article on ways and styles of resolving conflict.
Introverted men and introverted women in love
Introversion is not tied to gender. Both introverted men and introverted women in love show their affection mainly through time and attention, and both need to keep some space for themselves. On first dates, however, silence from either of them can easily look like a lack of interest, even when they simply need time to settle in.
The meta-analysis by Malouff and colleagues, which we describe below, only examined how one partner’s personality relates to the other partner’s satisfaction, and only in heterosexual couples. This link was no different for men than for women. In our view, it is therefore more useful to pay attention to the specific person than to general ideas about how a quiet man or a quiet woman behaves.
An introvert and an extrovert in a relationship
Such a couple can get on well if both understand that the other recharges their energy differently. After a demanding week, the extrovert looks forward to being around people, while the introvert looks forward to being at home. Weekend plans and how much time to spend with friends are therefore often a source of friction. We describe how the other side thinks in our article how an extrovert behaves.
When two introverts are together, a quiet weekend at home usually suits them both, and they understand each other’s need for solitude. The pitfalls tend to lie elsewhere. Each may wait for the other to bring up an uncomfortable topic, and important things then go unsaid. It helps to agree on a regular time to talk about what is bothering you, and to go out among people together now and then so that your circle of friends does not shrink too much.
Personality and relationship satisfaction were the subject of a 2010 meta-analysis by Australian psychologist John Malouff and colleagues, published in the Journal of Research in Personality. It summarised 19 samples with 3,848 participants from heterosexual couples. According to the study, four traits from the five-factor model were linked to a partner’s satisfaction: low neuroticism, high agreeableness, high conscientiousness and high extraversion.
This does not mean that an introvert is a worse partner. These are average associations in a large sample, which say little about any particular couple, and extraversion is only one of the four traits. In our view, what matters more is whether partners can talk to each other about their needs. It also helps to know which love language each of you speaks.
If you manage to win an introvert’s heart and break through their thick shell, you will receive a great deal of love. Their love tends to be deep and lasting, even if they show it in their own quieter way. Over time, you will become an important part of their world.
An introvert and an extrovert have completely different needs, but that does not mean they cannot be happy together. The foundation is mutual respect for each other’s different needs and a willingness to notice and understand the other person’s signs of affection.
